Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Skinfan13/Upsilon Sigma Sigma/Collaboration/March2010collab

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edit User:Skinfan13/Upsilon Sigma Sigma/Collaboration/March2010collab

Okay, so this is the very first collaborative effort of Upsilon Sigma Sigma, and the title doesn't give you ANY idea for what the article is, but it's Nintendo. There is a current version already in place (it was a requested article), but please review the version linked at the top of this page, that's our collaboration version. Muchas Gracias! --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 03:35 EST 23 Mar, 2010

PS an experienced reviewer please, preferably BF11 or HH --sf13 03:36
Just so people don't think I'm jumping in without being asked, see here. I'll play this game and show my score within 24 hours. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 07:12, March 25, 2010 (UTC)
Introduction to your reviewer

I usually begin by talking about my favorite subject, me. I won RotM, so some people thing I don't totally suck. I'm not an expert on Nintendo by any means, but I did spend a weekend at the Nintendo Love Hotel.

Concept: 7 This would be higher, but I'm not sure if the concept is clear. The article is primarily an encyclopedic, realistic-sounding, tongue-in-cheek treatment of Nintendo, which I like. But it wanders a bit here and there, and gets off track in the end. Suggestions are below.
Prose and Formatting: 7 This is actually a mixed score--8 or 9 for the good parts; 6 or 5 or even less for some of the rest, which I will explain in more detail below. (This is often the result of a collaboration, where someone has to come along at the end and make sure all the parts fit together and sound as if they were written by one person).

Your intro

(See my notes on References below--you already largely took care of this).
Ironically, one of the strengths of this article may also be one of its weaknesses. Until I glanced at, er, some other online encyclopedia, I had no idea Nintendo began in 1889 or that it had anything to do with a love hotel. At first glance these references seemed random, and many of your readers may wonder, as I did, "What has this got to do with Nintendo?" But most readers aren't going to check and find out you've done your research. Maybe you could make a note about this as a reference or some such (something that accurately but humorously points out the truth of the statements), or link to the appropriate section of wikipedia, something where the reader gets the idea this is a reality-based takeoff and not random. Still, I found "Nintendo Love Hotel" funny even without knowing the basis for it.
"value of 85,000,000,000 yen (approximately $82.46 USD)"--like this, although I'd cut out approximately--ordinarily, saying something's approximate when it's very exact can be funny, but I think it takes away from the bigger joke of the tremendous difference in the value of currency.

History

Card Company (1889-1948)
"the special assistant to the Emperor of Japan in the area of entertainment"--a bit wordy Also this seems to disagree with "Nintendo's humble origins" but not in a way I find funny. Maybe something like "Nintendo's humble origins can be traced back to 1889, when Fusajiro Yamauchi was the humble entertainment assistant to the humble Emperor of Japan."--I'm not saying that's great (actually I think my wording sucks), but maybe something like that.
'"more better" competitor'--sorry, but in my opinion making fun of the way people speak in their own language as if they're speaking bad English ceased to be funny in about 1950.
"the abuses the Emperor was committing against them."--what abuses? There could be material for humour here, although it's probably best to keep this brief.
"Treaty of Portsmouth was signed, the Japanese gave the Russians a starter deck of Pokemon cards as a symbol of good-will following the Russo-Japanese War of 1905."--like this.
Godzilla (1948-1956)
"For a few years in the 1950s (comma) Nintendo created...."--missing comma.
"...by oh so bad dishonorable unknown forces...."--more "hey, those Japs sure do talk funny!" I'd cut it.
"...which came from the sea. Or from over the sea. Something to do with water...."--didn't find this funny. If you want to do a tie-in, Godzilla (called Gojira because the Japanese couldn't prounce the letter "l"--oh, now I'm doing it) I think came from radiation, probably from American bombs.
"...accidental destruction of honorable Japanese property a decade earlier...."--as the years in the heading start with 1948, this would imply that the atomic bombs were dropped sometime around 1938. (I suspect this is due to cutting and pasting from the Wikipedia article on Godzilla).
Also not all those monster movies that followed Godzilla had giant animals like insects--some had attacking insects that were small but dangerous.
New Ventures (1956-1975)
"...where he realized that simply making only Pokemon cards severely limited Nintendo's business opportunities."--what made him realize this? Again, this is explained in the Wikipedia article, but not here.
"Unfortunately, Disney and Pokemon were two great tastes that didn't taste great together."--didn't find this funny.
Also you might want to split this and some other paragraphs into two or three. A length that works well for books tends to lose readers' interest when starting at a monitor.
"Trying to force feed the world's youth pictures of Donald Duck bowing to the Emperor of Japan and Mickey Mouse training Minnie in the ways of the Geisha just frightened the children instead of enchanting them."--I like the concept here, but the sentence is long and I'd cut the "force feed" part. Maybe something like "Unfortunately, Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse bowing to the emperor of Japan did not enchant American children or their Word War II era parents."
"(just ask his creditors, who nicknamed him "On the lam Yam")"--again, didn't find this funny.
"...Nintendo Company, UnLimited to symbolize their willingness to try anything at least once."--like this.
Electronic Era (1975-)
"...what they are best known for now; video games...."--I had to read this phrase three times before I understood it. Maybe "what they are now best known for" or something else.
"No one is quite sure....that it sucked....no one remembers it."--like this. Although "sucked" rather breaks the encyclopedic flow you've established, so maybe put "it sucked" in quotes, possibly with a reference.
"...simple games, like tennis."--like it.
"All of these of course are unimportant and forgettable."--repeats the joke you just made above but this time didn't find it funny--I'd recommend cutting this.
"...Barrel Two (who would latter be incorporated as part of the sidewall of one of the racetracks in F-Zero)...."--apparently this is a reference I don't know.
"...despite the "shitty graphics" that it boasted."--here you've got the editorial, non-encyclopedic reference in quotes, which I think is good. However, I found this only mildy amusing.
"like-liked"--another "hey those Japs sure talk funny!" bit I'd recommend cutting.
"The process was all very technical, but it involved something to do with pairing one up with an attractive anime character[2], and then seeing if their partner got offended when they got a hard-on for said anime character."--This doesn't seem to work to me, but unfortunately I don't have any specific suggestions for redoing it.
"...affectionately known as the NES to video game nerds...."--I'd cut the nerd part as I don't think it adds.
I like the real baseball vs. video game baseball part.

Modern Games and Consoles

"...very creative name of Super NES...."--like this, but maybe "imaginative name of Super NES".
N64
"...many classics such as...."--the wording seems a little awkward here--they weren't classics when they came out. You could say "future classics" or, perhaps use a phrase I detest in real life but think would work well for this article, "instant classics."
"kicked the ass"--kicks the ass of the fine encyclopedic tone you've established, so I'd reword this to sound encyclopedic, or at least put it in quotes.
"Unfortunately, also at this time, corporate giant Square-Enix abandoned Nintendo for Sony's Playstation, which boasted better graphics and CD technology, to which Shigeru Miyamoto responded...."--wording here seem awkward. Maybe "Meanwhile, corporate giant...and CD technology (period)." Then start Shigeru's response. Also the quote says he buried them before--to make this work, I'd have earlier references to the competition with Sony. Honestly, though, I'm not a big fan of the quote.
"...low 4.2 million consoles (period). But the...."--I'd split one long sentence into two shorter ones.
"Hey, look! Another Mario game!" which naturally made up for everything."--pretty good, but if you cut the "which naturally..." part, I think it would be quite good. Tacking that on weakens your funny "another Mario game" quote.
Game Cube
"innernests"--didn't find this funny.
"honorable competition on-line with other honorable nerds"--didn't find this funny.
"into an 54-piece sensory jigsaw puzzle where all the pieces are made of photons and pressure points entering your cubist brain-unit in hundreds of millions of bytes of information per second."--nice.
"You'll squeal with delight!"--lost the fine encyclopedic tone you established. Maybe put it in quotes and have a reference link that this quote is from Nintendo.
Wii
This section is written in a completely different tone of voice--what happened to the fine encyclopedic tone you established for this article? Also I didn't find it funny.

The future of Nintendo

This was also a completely different tone of voice, and sounds random and to me not funny. I'd recommend starting this and the Wii section from scratch.

References

1. Ah, here's a link that answers my question above about the Love Hotel, etc. And you even linked it from there. Good.
2 I would cut this reference as I don't think it adds anything.

Overall--if I ignore certain sections--I think the prose is good, but needs some work here and there. With some work, it could be very good.

Humo(u)r: 7 Again, a mixed score--the best humour I thought was very good.
Images: 8 Love the Nintendo on the panties image and caption. Also I like her butt. Did I say I like her butt? Official seal is fine; no caption needed. Dalek? I love Doctor Who, and I found the caption funny. But I'm really not sure how this relates to Mario--maybe you could explain that (briefly) in the article--something about how originally Mario's movements looked robotic or something. Love tester image is fine, caption is OK but I'd cut the exclamation mark--again, doesn't fit the encyclopedic tone. Also some people here don't like text between two images--doesn't bother me as magazines do that all the time. Game cube--image seems rather large, and also doesn't seem to go with text about "paddles for four players." "Nintendo's new interactive Playschool Nuclear First-Strike (Let's see how you like the dusty relative wind-dance, round-eyes). For honorable ages 4-10"--like the title, dislike the part in parenthesis and the honorable part--again, doesn't fit the tone of the article. Masked Nintendo chairman (yes, I know who that is)--mixed feelings. I rather like it, but don't know that it fits the article. Oh, and did I say I liked the girl's butt?
Miscellaneous: 7.25 Average of above.
Final Score: 36.25 Overall I think this is a good article--but I would recommend cutting some parts such as the "Japs talk funny," the non-encyclopedic comments (or at least put them in quotes), and I'd definitely trim off or redo the end parts. Quite honestly, with those remaining, my score would be much lower--with them gone, it would be significantly higher. Good luck with future edits!
Reviewer: WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 22:27, March 25, 2010 (UTC)
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