Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Simsilikesims/Yoga

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edit User:Simsilikesims/Yoga

-- Simsilikesims(♀UN) Talk here. 01:38, October 28, 2011 (UTC)

This one's interesting--Iwillkillyou 333 TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 21:48, October 28, 2011 (UTC)
Gaah!! Almost forgot about this. Had a load of college homework to do. I should have it done by tonight--Iwillkillyou 333 TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 16:04, November 1, 2011 (UTC)
Yeah, that's not booked. Sorry, Sims. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 23:53, 15 November 2011

It's booked now, though. Really, I'm going to review it. Or try to, anyway. I'm a little rusty at this. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 23:05, 6 January 2012

Humour: 6 Hi, mon. I believe this is the point where I apologise again for not just doing this when I said I would. I tried to, though. I'm just... bad at the whole doing things thing. And now I'm actually doing it and I'm tired and in pain and full of meds and... er... well, I'm doing it. Hopefully some of this will prove useful.

So anyway, you've got the start of a lovely article here. Decent concept, has jokes, goes in a few different directions that would be open to expansion. Main problems to me seem to be the lack of build-up with the jokes and concepts and the order in which some of the things are presented, really. Especially at the beginning, it's a little jumpy. Yoga is... holy men chose it... yoga means... holy men do stuff... group it better and you should be able to expand on both points more. Talk about yoga itself, with the meanings and whatnot and religious significance, then get into the holy men themselves, and it should come across more effectively. These yogis certainly seem to be pretty interesting, but you could do so much more with them were you to just expand upon all the weirdness involved, and with better ordering that shouldn't be too hard. (See miscellaneous comment.)

So why do the folks need a code word? Could be a story behind that.

Basic Equipment section seems so cursory. Not sure what to suggest, though. It's just so... cursory. Have bad things happened as a result of people being too imaginative with the leg strap? I tried to imagine and failed. Then I drank a can of mountain dew. Need more painkillers. Ack.

Physical Techniques section seems like it's building up to some grand joke about all that stuff it's saying, but it doesn't really have one. Add one, though, that'd help. Something to justify all that silly torture. And maybe another bit tying into the breathing so the next one can more effectively lead from that breathing thing from the start...

Why is it so important to be mental at all? Where do the yogis come in? Other stuff mentioned previously... you'll want to tie it all together again at the end, after all. Maybe use that leg strap?

Concept: 8 Lovely. Work some on the ordering and presentation of the jokes and expand a bit, that's all I can suggest. Concept itself is sane enough and true enough and silly enough to work. Other bits that need the working.
Prose and formatting: 6 Besides the ordering issue I mentioned already, you may want to introduce the entire pile of the article more in the introduction. Small mention of what's coming, mention that there are implements involved, of which you get into specifics later, that kind of thing. Might help tie it together more. Maybe.

You do write well, although a couple sentences confused me a mite. "All agree it means something really important that we all have forgotten somehow that we just need to remember." - I see what you're doing here, and technically it does seem to be perfectly valid, but that sort of recursive noun-phrasing or whatever it's called is still kind of awkward. If you could think of another way to rephrase it (I tried and couldn't, so... uh?), you may want to (although I tried and couldn't, so... uh.).

More links wouldn't hurt.

Also, I may have messed up your quotes on some of the terms, with single ' vs. double " and what even have the things at all... sorry about that; tried to fix them after, but I'm daft and my brain is wonked and, well, you should be able to fix it yourself, at least. Whatever you do, just be consistent and it'll be fine. (See miscellaneous comment.)

Images: 0 Obviously you need images... shouldn't be too hard to get some, though; yoga is weird and varied enough that some pics stolen off wikimedia commons would probably more than suffice given decent captions, though if that doesn't work or you need help chances are you could bribe someone else to find and/or make some as well.
Miscellaneous: 6 Yeah, I'm so helpful.
Final Score: 26 I blame the chili. It's not entirely responsible, but I blame it nonetheless. Also, I hope this review helps. You really do have the start of something lovely here. It's obviously not finished, but given fiddlings and all I've no doubt you could make it fulfil itself swimmingly.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to rewatch Breaking Dawn for some reason.

Reviewer: 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 08:35, 9 January 2012
6
Bloink
Humour
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
Hi, mon. I believe this is the point where I apologise again for not just doing this when I said I would. I tried to, though. I'm just... bad at the whole doing things thing. And now I'm actually doing it and I'm tired and in pain and full of meds and... er... well, I'm doing it. Hopefully some of this will prove useful.

So anyway, you've got the start of a lovely article here. Decent concept, has jokes, goes in a few different directions that would be open to expansion. Main problems to me seem to be the lack of build-up with the jokes and concepts and the order in which some of the things are presented, really. Especially at the beginning, it's a little jumpy. Yoga is... holy men chose it... yoga means... holy men do stuff... group it better and you should be able to expand on both points more. Talk about yoga itself, with the meanings and whatnot and religious significance, then get into the holy men themselves, and it should come across more effectively. These yogis certainly seem to be pretty interesting, but you could do so much more with them were you to just expand upon all the weirdness involved, and with better ordering that shouldn't be too hard. (See miscellaneous comment.)

So why do the folks need a code word? Could be a story behind that.

Basic Equipment section seems so cursory. Not sure what to suggest, though. It's just so... cursory. Have bad things happened as a result of people being too imaginative with the leg strap? I tried to imagine and failed. Then I drank a can of mountain dew. Need more painkillers. Ack.

Physical Techniques section seems like it's building up to some grand joke about all that stuff it's saying, but it doesn't really have one. Add one, though, that'd help. Something to justify all that silly torture. And maybe another bit tying into the breathing so the next one can more effectively lead from that breathing thing from the start...

Why is it so important to be mental at all? Where do the yogis come in? Other stuff mentioned previously... you'll want to tie it all together again at the end, after all. Maybe use that leg strap?

8
Bloink
Concept
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
Lovely. Work some on the ordering and presentation of the jokes and expand a bit, that's all I can suggest. Concept itself is sane enough and true enough and silly enough to work. Other bits that need the working.
6
Bloink
Prose and formatting
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
Besides the ordering issue I mentioned already, you may want to introduce the entire pile of the article more in the introduction. Small mention of what's coming, mention that there are implements involved, of which you get into specifics later, that kind of thing. Might help tie it together more. Maybe.

You do write well, although a couple sentences confused me a mite. "All agree it means something really important that we all have forgotten somehow that we just need to remember." - I see what you're doing here, and technically it does seem to be perfectly valid, but that sort of recursive noun-phrasing or whatever it's called is still kind of awkward. If you could think of another way to rephrase it (I tried and couldn't, so... uh?), you may want to (although I tried and couldn't, so... uh.).

More links wouldn't hurt.

Also, I may have messed up your quotes on some of the terms, with single ' vs. double " and what even have the things at all... sorry about that; tried to fix them after, but I'm daft and my brain is wonked and, well, you should be able to fix it yourself, at least. Whatever you do, just be consistent and it'll be fine. (See miscellaneous comment.)

0
Bloink
Images
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
Obviously you need images... shouldn't be too hard to get some, though; yoga is weird and varied enough that some pics stolen off wikimedia commons would probably more than suffice given decent captions, though if that doesn't work or you need help chances are you could bribe someone else to find and/or make some as well.
6
Bloink
Miscellaneous
Anything else... or not...
Yeah, I'm so helpful.
26
Bloink
Final score
1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 08:35, 9 January 2012
I blame the chili. It's not entirely responsible, but I blame it nonetheless. Also, I hope this review helps. You really do have the start of something lovely here. It's obviously not finished, but given fiddlings and all I've no doubt you could make it fulfil itself swimmingly.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to rewatch Breaking Dawn for some reason.

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