Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Shabidoo/UnNews:Bad things have happened recently
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Ive been wanting to write something like this for a while. --21:57, August 15, 2011 (UTC)
- It's a bad thing I've got this! Give me 2 days. Mattsnow 00:50, August 28, 2011 (UTC)
- It went a lot faster than expected! :) Mattsnow 02:12, August 28, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||7.5||Hello! First of all, I'm happy to review one of your articles, Shabidoo! It will certainly be shorter than most Pees since it is an UnNews, I'll try also to add suggestions throughout on things you could add, just to spark ideas of course. I like to add suggestions rather than flat out whine, as I feel it helps a lot more the author to improve his article.
I like it a lot, but I feel the opening sentences could be reworked a bit. You could mention straight off the bat that bad things happened in the downtown area, the suburbs, the metro and even in the kangooroo hold at the zoo if you want. I really like all the ridiculous places where you say bad things happened, in the air etc. Nice trail to exploit a lot more!
How about throwing in something like: "Bad things happen every day, but today the stuff could be qualified as terrible" or how about also saying that the rumors are "bad" instead of "not false"? Or that "you should even try to avoid to exist?" lol
It's a great intro, seriously! Just consider one or 2 times having a synonym for "bad things".
LOL, good one, really, things are bad! How about implicating the whole government? The President could say: "I like to be optimistic and lift your spirits, calm you down and see a rosey future. But I just can't. Things are gonna get even worse."
Suggestion: Make a comparison with the terrorist threat index instead of the meter-o-tron? (is that crap still around?) saying that today the bad thing index is as worse as it has ever been (elevated).
I don't know really why you chose China, but I guess it's as funny as any country.
You could say that bad things will happen anyway if they don't eat so it is bad all the way. I was thinking that you could try to get the "suicide" topic in the mix since the article is amusingly depressing, but that could be a slippery slope since there is hardly anything funny about that. Maybe say that all the Chinese carps committed suicide by setting themselves on fire or something in a revolutionary act.
Maybe you could elaborate a bit on the horrendous crap that happened and then retreat at the last minute like "What happened to your grandpa as he was driving his car on the highway... Oh forget it, it's so horrible. It was bad"
"Try not to breathe" LOL Suggestion: "Also, try to levitate, as touching the ground will undoubtedly cause irreversible curses. But the air also will. Your choice."
This is where "bad things" are really starting to melt my brain, remember to introduce some synonyms at some places. I mean those 2 words are not really fun anymore there. But the concept of the paragraph is sound.
Pretty good, but I feel you could add a punchline ending paragraph. I don't know, like you haven't seen anything yet, or something that goes diametrically opposed to the bad things. Maybe a reference to the fact that they won't be able to sell their damn newspaper if something good happens.
|Concept:||8||I really like the concept of that UnNews, that is the basis of all the news outlet, scare us away and convince us we are living in a fundamentally bad world, so any exxageration that is a sort of critique of society always works with me and I am sure it will be funny to a lot of people. Great thinking there.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||The grammar is very simple and that is why I feel from time to time it would be great to have fancier sentences. But I also understand it is part of the joke to have a lot of simple statements. I totally get that the "bad things" repetition is part of the joke, but sometimes it gets a bit monotonous. How about just sometimes replacing it with: "horrendous events" or "utmost calamity? Just a suggestion.
You have quite a bunch of typos at the beginning LOL I hope they were on purpose. I'll correct some when I finish to piss all over the place. The formatting is alright, but as I will say, enlarging at least the first pic will help a lot. Don't forget to add the date and whatnot (the unnews template I guess) and the "Original" thing at the end. Also, links.
|Images:||6.5||First: This is hilarious! Definitely a good one to start the article! Don't forget to enlarge it, it will give the start of the article a bang, though I suspect you were gonna do it anyway after I pissed all over the place. I can't think of a better caption.
Second: Can't complain there, spilled beer is a bad thing LOL. Maybe another caption though...
Third: Not really a funny one, although I agree it certainly is related a lot to "bad things" It looks more like a pic that would go on ED. Suggestion: You could replace the pic with a terrorist threat index in the absolute red saying that tomorrow, the bad things index will be even worse than today.
|Miscellaneous:||7||Because I feel that just by improving the prose a bit, clearing the typos and changing the last pic is rather easy. Including some of my suggestions in it will be harder.|
|Final Score:||35||Well it is a great one with a lot of potential, I told you I'm the kind of reviewer that almost only suggests things, but I would have told if something was just awful (as the typos lol)
I'll put the Pee Review in the dicussion section of the article so it follows it if you want to work on it like, a year from now!
Feel free to contact me on my TP, I hope it wasn't too short and it was helpful. And we're gonna win that competition HAHAHA! Tata!
|Reviewer:||Mattsnow 02:04, August 28, 2011 (UTC)|