Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Scofield/UnScripts:The CrowSader for Justice
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Moved this from an old blog I used to run. I know, it's still a work in progress, but how do you all like it? Let me know. Scofield 16:05, January 7, 2011 (UTC)
No, I've written half the review already but something came up. And I won't have internet for a few days because I'm moving, so anyone is free to review this. ~08:52, Jan 19, 2011
PEE REVIEW IN PROGRESS
of giving you his opinion and pretending you care.
|Humour:||3||Hey, Scofield! Let me see what I can say about this one.
This script is a little tricky to review, which is probably why no one's got to it for so long. The reason it's tricky to review is: it really isn't funny. Now, usually when I say "it isn't funny," that means "you tried to be funny, but you did a shit job of it."
But that's not the case here. This script isn't shitty. It just isn't funny. I don't think it's comedy.
Seriously, if I saw this on TV, I wouldn't put it in the "comedy" genre. I mean, sure, there are some quirky moments and some comedic quips, but overall, it's a drama. It's sort of in the same genre as "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" - while there are humorous moments here and there, it's really more of a supernatural teen thriller than a comedy.
So, really, I'm not surprised that this was written for an "old blog" and only moved to Uncyclopedia after the fact. It doesn't feel like something that would be written for Uncyclopedia. It's not an Uncyclopedia article.
Let me just take this piece by piece:
1) Opening scene. Three kids are talking about a heavy metal band, and then they get shot. There's no jokes here. So, I guess it establishes your premise, but it's not funny.
2) Michael's family watching the news. This is more premise-establishing, really. It's very odd that Michael's family doesn't say anything that indicates that they're sad, but maybe that's because of their weird crow-religion. The power goes off for, really, no reason I can discern.
3) The next morning, at the funeral. Okay, Michael's mom is sad now. When everyone starts saying what they did in a past life, I guess that's the first funny moment in the script, just because it's so bizarre and out of left field. I have problems with the claim that Brenda's dad was an Al Qaeda operative, though. Al Qaeda was founded in 1988. So, even if he had been killed on the first day of Al Qaeda's existence and reincarnated immediately, that would make him 23 years old today. A 23 year old cannot have a high school-age daughter. Is it a joke? I don't know, to me it just looks like a sloppy oversight. I guess the Priest saying "yada yada yada" is a joke, but honestly, it sort of looks like "I can't think of what a priest would say so I'll just come back and finish the script later."
4) The crow pulling Michael out of his grave. Well, honestly, this is just establishing the premise even more. The crow tells Michael that he has to wipe out a Satanist cult that was responsible for multiple school shootings, and then - the script ends. It's just unfinished. A story has a conflict, an escalation of the conflict, a climax, and a resolution. You've presented us with a conflict: a Satanic cult is murdering teenagers and a victim has come back from the dead for revenge. But the confict doesn't escalate, it certainly doesn't climax, and there's no resolution. This is the first quarter of a story.
So, really, what you've presented us with is an unfinished drama script. It's not the worst thing I've ever read, but... it's just on the wrong wiki, man.
|Concept:||1||I've got to give you a 1 on your concept score. Because, you know, this is Uncyclopedia. An article needs a concept that's satirical, or silly, or otherwise humorous. The concept that "A satanic cult murders some high schoolers and a mystical crow pulls one out of the grave to seek revenge" reallly doesn't satirize anything, isn't that silly, isn't that funny. It's just... you know, a movie. If I had to give it a concept score for a Hollywood film, I'd give it about a 4 - it doesn't sound like something I'd go running to the theaters to see, but it could pleasantly surprise me. But as a concept for an Uncyclopedia article, it's a 1. It isn't funny.
Of course, I can't totally blame you for that, since you came up with the concept for something you were writing for your personal blog. This wasn't even an Uncyclopedia concept to begin with. But it shows.
|Prose and formatting:||5||The prose is mostly fine. There are a few mistakes: Sean should be talking about "grisly" sound effects, not "grizzly" sound effects, and you've used the word "lightening" (meaning: "to make lighter") instead of "lightning" (meaning: "a bolt of electricity from the sky.") But, other than that, your writing is solid enough.
The formatting is, well, not even attempted. It doesn't look like a script. It's just names to the left of dialogue. I assume that was something you were going to work on later.
|Images:||0||No pictures. It's unfinished, so that makes sense, but if it were ever to make it to mainspace - and it would need a total overhaul for that - it'd need pictures.|
|Miscellaneous:||3||The number three.|
|Final Score:||12||I didn't thoroughly hate reading a script idea that you wrote on your blog several years ago, but this is just not an UnScript. You should try writing something funny! It's what we're all here for...|
|Reviewer:||19:13, February 3, 2011 (UTC)|