Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:PeregrineFalcon999/NoPhone

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edit User:PeregrineFalcon999/NoPhone

The concept of the 'NoPhone' is an imaginary iPhone, e.g. the iPhone that can never be lost, with unlimited apps...

I think this is pretty good but would like to get a second opinion. All manner of constructive criticism will be appreciated. --Some_idiot.png 10:32, September 2, 2010 (UTC)

dibsdibsdibs. -- Soldat Teh PWNerator (pwnt!) 21:43, Sep 7
Humour: 5 The first picture made me laugh. After that, not so much. The article feels like the entire punchline is the (very well done) picture that was photoshopped for the beginning. Then it seems to just be trying to desperately add more content to be long enough to be considered an article. Your last QA on the FAQ kinda commits suicide. Where would somebody get a manual if the box was empty?

It feels like a 1-trick pony. You really need some new content. Ideas off the top of my head:

  • You could have some 'quotes' from famous people saying how great it is.
  • It's V2.0! any history on V1.0? possible reasons on why it failed, any changes between the two? A recall notice for V1.0 due to it being dangerous could be hilarious.
  • Any links anywhere? They can often add to humor if done right. Idk if wikia lets you do the scripting to link specific areas of images, or if you have the knowledge on how to do it, but it could help if it's possible to do.
  • Could you have your own logo for the Apple ripoff? something close to apple's but not quite there.

I also think you overplay that the only limit is your imagination bit too much. The second picture feels like it is almost exclusively repeating that over and over.

You need to flesh out your ideas of unlimited apps (give some example apps maybe), add something about battery life, all that stuff.

It feels like you only have a couple of actual separate jokes within the article:

  • the nophone itself - with the first picture
  • only limit is your imagination
  • paying $150 for empty box
Concept: 7 Good initial idea. Taking the apple iPhone and cashing in on it any way possible is the way business works! Plus everything online is a ripoff. The idea that you 'scanned' some of the pages from the manual (nophone supposed to be an empty box on arrival according to your last image), kills off the feel. For some other article the scanned manual could turn out great, but right now on this one, it hurts rather than helps.
Prose and formatting: 5 "First pages" could use some commas. Image pointing out features has some grammar issues. I'd fix myself, but as it's an image I can't. Also! Do! You! Really! Need! So! Many! Exclamation! Points!? Especially in a manual. Those are usually bone-dry, with the advertising (strangely, the only part lacking exclamation points), being aggressive, loud, and in-your-face! I don't like the word schmuck, also. But that didn't influence the score.

You might want to find a way to work some magic so you have borders around text that make it look like you scanned in the manual if you are set on keeping it in that style. Otherwise I'm sure it will be a pain to do any changes, which is very bad. You want to be able to fix stuff easily.

Images: 5 OH GOD MY EYES! But seriously, the pictures strain my eyes trying to read them. It's not due to a tiny display, either. The only excuse I could come up with for you is that it is supposed to be "scanned" from the manual. But the letters are blurry, and the "images" aren't really very "imagey" for the most part. Try some color, perhaps? But not the color you have that is light blue and almost impossible to read. That color just sucks. Also the gray that you use --- rather difficult to read/see. This review has more color than your entire article...

The image showing the various parts of the no-phone was very funny.

Close inspection of the pictures it turns out that the blurring is due to the image being shrunk slightly to fit on my screen. Requiring a resolution higher than 1366x768 for the article to be readable is kinda ridiculous... well more than kinda.

I'm not an old man, and don't have like a 800x600 display, so I feel that making this slightly more friendly to the eyes isn't an extreme request. Add some contrast to the images. I shouldn't need to do that on my display to be able to fully make out your first image.

Miscellaneous: 3 Low number given due to difficulty in reading it. That should NEVER be an issue unless it is the point of an article!
Final Score: 25 This article could use some work before being even remotely VFH. As it stands, it's almost unreadable due to some image/font size issues. The first image is borderline VFP. After that, I lost interest as the quality was lost. I think the idea is solid enough that it could be a decent article, but it needs a major rewrite to get there.
Reviewer: -- Soldat Teh PWNerator (pwnt!) 22:29, Sep 7
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