Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Olipro/On her wedding day, saying the things left unsaid
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06:56, August 10, 2010 (UTC)
I'll review this, then. Don't expect a particularly useful perspective, though. Or even a particularly useful review, at that... I mean, we can hope, but I make no promises. Should be done in a day. If not... well, I blame the jerks who keep blocking me.-- 20101103 - 16:46 (UTC)
|Concept:||7||Hmmm, well... I can see why you might have thought a woman's perspective would differ on this. Frankly, I don't really think I'd ever find it that funny, myself; just not my ball of tea, and all, and I think I agree with Hyperbole about the original... pretty damn creepy and funny already. Yes, I'm looking at the VFH nom as I'm doing this; since it's so far out of my general preferences, I figure my best shot of saying anything useful is just to go off what they liked and didn't like and try to expand.
Plenty of people do like this kind of thing - inconvenient pasts, sexual innuendo, one-sided obsessions and painful rejections and the inevitable spiteful response... this is definitely something, and that it would ring so close for folks, at least in some. But it's still too close to the original in form and structure. It seems like you're trying to follow it too exactly, stick to the precise sectioning or whatnot too much, and it comes across not unlike a fat woman in a corset - could be nice, but too restricted and subsequently bunched up and sticking out in all the wrong places. Perhaps if you would make it more your own while still sticking to the original skeleton of the piece, fixing the flow of words as well as the flow of ideas, that would help matters...
|Humour:||8||So, again, this isn't really my kind of thing. The deep resentment does appeal, though the way it's presented kind of falls short for me.The overall sarcasm is a nice touch, though, and many of the links are pretty good, to the point where I was finding myself disappointed when they actually did link to literally what they said... although what else would New York link to? Ah, well. And apparently plenty of folks do appreciate the more carnal aspect of this, so... hells, you might even be able to play it up even more, more about what she is, more about the guy, perhaps about that headbutt itself? What were those circumstances? Hmm... you certainly do imply, but... oh. Back to the note of confusing, it took me this long to put that the later described rejection and whatnot would be this? If you're going to use innuendo like this, probably want to put it in order, or something. Confusion is bad. Really.
Now, what was I saying? Eh, the thing's pretty consistently decent in the humour department, though I may not like it. Like how you go about depicting her as a whore, though; anyone could say their ex is a whore, but to go into such livid detail describing it without ever actually mentioning it (at least, not that I noticed), that implies some serious deep-seated resentment.
I guess the issues really are mostly organisational.
|Prose and formatting:||4||Eh, yeah, the bit about the constriction of it all I brought up in the concept section... it's not helping the confusion. I do think letting it a little looser would help - take the things you mention that don't go anywhere and go somewhere with them, lose the bits that don't seem to go anywhere at all. And overall, make it prettier... maybe that would help? I didn't even want to read it when it was on VFH because it wasn't pretty enough; this I recall. Admittedly, most people aren't that fickle... are they?
Anyways some specifics - the introduction is quite small, especially next to that very large 'wedding picture'. Mind, the picture itself is fine that size, but it makes the shortness of the intro that much more obvious... and the introduction doesn't even entirely introduce the article anymore. I'll grant, this is basically how the original was, but it is no longer the original. It just feels like rambling thoughts, a sentence each, until it comes to the sentence that actually leads up to the article proper. More on the ideas presented in these other sentences, perhaps to make them tie into the rest of the thing, might help...
Eh, and the private thoughts... it goes too quickly from the private thoughts to the 'wishing' her well. Not sure why it worked in the original, but you need more of a transition.
And now I'd like to express my annoyance at all the crossed out text. Surely there's a prettier way you could do that? The shorter things, like masturbating and obsession, could just be turned into links... maybe just leave the longer stuff? And however did you read this over skype, eh? Why not write it like that? [insert further complaining here]
Aside from some flow issues that I may or may not have specified, though, syntactically and whatnot it's fine.
|Images:||6||Your images seem to have a problem in which they're a mite confusing. For instance, the wedding picture caption, while I could work out what it meant, took some thinking. Might want to reorder or reword... though I'm not sure how. Meh, maybe I'm just dense. Would look better if more obviously mocked up, though. Still, fits well.
The game render is all bunched up against the photo... might help to move it down further, or something. Might also work better to put the supposed wedding photo somewhere else - further down, on the other side... wherever looks best, but it'd probably fit anywhere within the article, since it could be specific to either beginning or end...
Why do you have a digital reconstruction at all? And what crushing rejection? The article never does specifically bring up the rejection itself, does it? Something else, perhaps. Something from the thing itself...
Because I completely missed how those two pictures go together. Because they're so far apart. Because the first is shoved up against that other one. Oh. Okay, so then... what scene from The Graduate? Now what are you talking about and what does it have to do with the main article? You've confused me.
Last image, why a reconstruction? Hmm? And what's funny about that? There could be some emotion in it, or something, maybe that'd help?
I feel like it should have one more image. At the end. Something horribly angry and teary and possibly bloody. But not obviously so. Like the resentful links. Or something.
|Miscellaneous:||7||Er, don't mind the numbers... I have no idea what to do with them here. Something about 5 being my completely arbitrary notion of average, though. This one mostly has to do with the fact that people liked it, and that it definitely has redeeming qualities.|
|Final Score:||32||So, actually, the reason why this took so long was because, a, you lot kept blocking me Not much of an excuse, I know., b, the server is dumb Still doesn't explain why it took me this long., and c, my computer crashed. I'think I'll stick with that one.
Anyway, hopefully this helps, although since I didn't write it entirely in order it may not make sense at times (sorry), and hopefully it might help you to get past the fence people if it goes to VFH again... er, you know where to find me to complain or ask questions.
|Reviewer:||-- 20101105 - 03:32 (UTC)|