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- Apparently I'm going to review this. It will be done in 24 hours or less, I swear it on the precious. Really. o__o 01:09, 21 January 2012
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
|As you're probably aware since I told you just the other day, I know nothing of this. Fortunately, that makes me qualified to speak for all the other people who likewise won't know anything about this, either! Or so my excuse goes...
Anyhow, this article actually has a decent concept, so good job there. The whole thing about the secret agents and the technology and the whatnot works dandily, even though I have absolutely no idea as to what you're referring to. The implementation, however, is what could use some bonking.
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
|This is the implementation section, right? It'd better be... certainly not just humour.
From the top, then - it's an article on cardboard boxes, then? That's what the start would indicate, discussing those, though halfway through the huge paragraph we find out that it's in fact about an upgrade to the things, not the things themselves. So now I'll get to the point that I probably should have just said in the first place: you should probably mention what B.O.X.s are sooner. "The B.O.X., or ..., is an entirely necessary development of existing cardboard box technology... history... why it was necessary... how it helped. Meh?" Makes it more encyclopaedic, confuses the reader a little less, that kind of thing, and while it does detract from the joke of a box, of all things, needing an upgrade, it's more straight-forward. I like straight-forwardness.
What you mention seems to be good. Perhaps a bit too much repetition in the initial secret secretness line - could you perhaps spread some of that out more through the introduction?
You should mention what this is actually from somewhere. Like, claiming it's Something Important, or... no, that's too overt. Maybe linking a mention of Something Important to it would work, though... I'unno.
How the box was decided on seems a bit convenient (maybe poke fun at how convenient it is?), though, and I'm not sure what you mean by it being cute. Inert? Or just 'part of the landscape' or terrain or world or environment or whatever it is you call that unmoving stuff you can't blow up in videogames...
How was the guy equiped with something from the start (the box) if he didn't pick it up until later when the boxes were all sitting there?
Unable to spot the intruder and uninterested in the orangy contents of the boxes, the guards decided to give the "All Clear" sign and slowly walked back to their posts. - I quite like this line. Classic AI response to such things.
You should start a new paragraph after the mission ends. Yes, I know this is totally the wrong section in which to mention this, but... whatever. It's where I'm typid. Deal with it.
In what sort of territories would one not expect to find such a box? Spell out the joke there, will you? It'll be funny! I swear. Although the Soviet Union, is that that funny, anyhow? Why is that so unexpected? They did have boats and stuff... they had alliances with other nations, too. Surely there's something weirder. Specific rooms, places, that kind of thing?
How did the spy-detecting tools improve? Just what did they have to counter to explain the massive upgrades to the box?
The last section should be expanded somehow, or something. It just goes. Wheeeeeeeoolollooooeewwwoooolewwpffft. Like a balloon emptying, you know? Except not. I think my brain just fell asleep.
The barrel is vastly superior because it is round, did you know that? They sometimes make round bombs and roll them down lakes, too; did you know that? Out of barrels, of course.
|Prose and formatting |
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
|I noticed quite a few grammatical errors, but being on a bus at the time and not actually having an internet connection, I couldn't read them. And now I'm too lazy.
That said, it just needs a proofread; structurally it's fairly sound and the meanings are still clear enough, since it mostly just seems to be typos and improper convention and the like.
You have some really big paragraphs. Do they really need to be that big? Does Solid Snake really pertain to Hobbsy? Does the rise and decline necessarily go so closely together? Any time you move to a new idea, or time, or place, or subject, start a new paragraph.
This needs more links.
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
|These are all screenshots, no? That actually works quite well - indicates what you're actually talking about so you don't need to outright mention it... that breakdancing one Zombles or whoever made really wouldn't fit, though, as a result.
Captions could be a little more encyclopaedic, perhaps. Consider how people will be reading this - some may look at the images first or last, so the captions should stand alone. Tie into the article, but stand alone as well.
Anything else... or not...
|Needs more slime mold. And for some reason I feel like I have a nail in my head.|
|Final score |
08:33, 22 January 2012
|Is this useful? I hope this is useful. Feel free to smack me if it's not. I'm going to bed.
Oh, and overall, it's definitely on the right track, so just work with it a little and it should be downright lovely. Yeah.