Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Oliphaunte/A Pragmatic Affair (2nd Review)

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edit User:Oliphaunte/A Pragmatic Affair

Need one more review to finalize this, as I have another amigo working another the second part to it, as it a series and I want to get this through the presses so we can work on the second part. Tell me your honest opinion, or at least a truthful lie *paradox*. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 04:35, June 23, 2011 (UTC)

This looks interesting, I'll get it. --Black Flamingo 18:04, July 30, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 7 Ok, for this one I'm going to combine humour and prose into one hot, naked orgy of a section.

It's a good article, definitely good enough for mainspace (not that that's saying much) but there are a number of things you should probably look at before you go any further. Some of the jokes could be better developed, or told better, or both. There is a good example right at the start; you start by joking about how it's always dark and gloomy in London. Simply stating the truth isn't really funny, but you could put an unexpected twist on it. For instance, I like the way you say the opposite in the caption for the first picture. For jokes like this, rather than just making humorous observations it would be better if you said something like "it was a beautiful day in London, the clouds were out and the rain was light." This isn't a hilarious line, but it is a classic example of misdirection. I recommend you take a look at similar jokes and see if you can rework them in this way. Here are some more examples in order of appearance:

  • "The irony was not lost on me" - it sounds a little forced. Perhaps you'd be better saying something like "as clear as day, but obviously not a British day". Actually that's crap, but there's got to be a smoother way you can say it.
  • "Her body seemed shaped for that of Aphrodite" - I think I know what you mean; you're saying she's shapely right? Again I think there is a much smoother way you can say this.
  • "Surprising because she was of English birth" - I'm not 100% what you're getting at here. Are you saying English girls are ugly? There is surely a much clearer way you can say this. Eg. "for an English girl she sure scrubbed up nice."
  • "I confess, the last portion of this statement is by my own imagination. And dreams. And fantasies" - Again it lacks prosaic finesse. Instead of this, try something like "and believe me, I tried to introduce them". And I would get rid of the brackets, they just make it look really obvious that a punchline is on its way.
  • "Receiving payment from the most beautiful woman in England, with the possibility of an extra bonus" - This could probably be clearer and funnier. I suppose you could just say something like "but I wasn't in it for the money, purely for the opportunity to have sex with her." Sometimes it's funnier to be direct rather than forcing a double entendre.
  • "After convincing the Duchess with the lie that my tears were the result of a battle wound that damaged my spinal cord and caused me to cry upon meeting strangers, I invited her to sit down" - I feel you're over-explaining things. The core part of the sentence here is "I invited her to sit down", but you're cramming way too much in before you get to that. Just separate them or something, as I've said; be smooth, man. Also, why is he crying?
  • It took me a while to realise what was funny about "duty". On about the third read-through I realised it might be because it sounds a bit like that American word for excrement, which I believe is pronounced something like "doodie", although I have no idea how it is spelt. This isn't a problem per se, but it might be something to think about at least. It was probably only lost on me because it's such an Americanism, but then a lot of readers might get it right away.
  • "'Oh,' I said, following a sigh of defeat in hoping to ever sleep with her" - Again, this is a bit clunky. Just simplify it, eg: "'Oh, you have a husband?' I said, disappointedly."
  • "With renewed vigour and slight lack of common sense" - I would get rid of the "lack of common sense" part, that's a given.
  • My final point; it doesn't make much sense that she would start undressing, given that about five lines up she is chastising him for being a pervert. Perhaps you could twist it so that he is the one trying to get her to demonstrate it more graphically. Apart from that there were quite a few bits that had me chuckling.
Concept: 6 It's a weird one alright. It's pretty unique in fact, which definitely added to my enjoyment of it. Obviously it needs a bit of work but it was so different from everything else on here that I can't wait to see what you do next. It sort of looks unfinished in the way that it ends so suddenly; were you planning on writing more? The strange concept meant that it took me a while to figure out what was going on. When I got my head around it, it was enjoyable but I don't think many readers will bother reading it more than once. It may help to add some kind of frame to the story, at the beginning and end, perhaps - something to introduce it. What is this supposed to be exactly? Crime literature, a TV show, a true story? You could introduce it a lot better, perhaps you could suggest that it is just one story in a series or something. Whatever you choose to do, you need to have a think about how you can ease the reader into the subject matter.
Prose and formatting: 6 I corrected a few grammar/prose things myself, so... uh... good work, me.
Images: 6 They are all good but could stand to be a lot bigger. Especially the first one. You also need more, especially since there are no headings breaking up the text. No pictures of the main guy or his office?
Miscellaneous: 6.5 My bra size.
Final Score: 31.5 I'd like to repeat that this article fascinated me, but it still seems very first-drafty. You need to simplify a lot of your prose and develop many of your jokes, but apart from that what you've got is great. I would have a think about the concept too, because right now it's difficult to tell exactly what this is supposed to be. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, or even if you're just lonely, please let me know on my talky page and I'll try to help. Keep up the good work and I hope the review is ok.
Reviewer: --Black Flamingo 19:50, July 30, 2011 (UTC)
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