Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Miley Spears/Pedobear news

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Revision as of 02:29, August 14, 2009 by Miley Spears (talk | contribs)

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edit Pedobear news

Miley Spears 00:48, 12 August 2009 (UTC)

It's got a redirect on it so clicking on the top link should send you to the article. Oh and also hi, I'll be your reviewer today. --ChiefjusticeDS 08:12, 12 August 2009 (UTC)

Thanks for your review! But it's based on real articles about Smokey Bear/Smokey the Bear who started in August 1944 saying "Only you can prevent forest fires." It's not totally objective because the real articles on Smokey weren't either--who would object to a character telling kids not to start fires? That's why I quote the American Chris Hansen (who catches sexual predators especially with children) and Mary Whitehouse (until she died the most recognized activist for censorship in the United Kingdom). But I understand not everybody lives in America or the United Kingdom, so I'll add some background. And I know I need images I'll get some. Thanks! Miley Spears 17:03, 12 August 2009 (UTC)

I do live in the UK, which I think demonstrates the problem and suggests that some background is needed. --ChiefjusticeDS 17:32, 12 August 2009 (UTC)

I don't know if this will be a problem or not, but my article just got chosen for a magazine! It's not a famous magazine and it's mostly done by amateurs, but still it's cool. I'll have to see if they mind it being here too. If not I won't be able to post it here. Oh well I can always write something else! Intermittens link 1 or Intermittens link 2 Miley Spears 02:29, 14 August 2009 (UTC)

Humour: 4 Right, your humour isn't horrendously bad but it does have difficulties that are preventing it from being any better. The first of these is the nature of the humour, it offers very little in the regard of widespread appeal as the only jokes are that bears are paedophiles and that the news article supports his work, any jokes besides these are few and far between. What you need to do for the existing humour is take a look at HTBFANJS and use it to come up with new ways to keep the article funny. You can also use HTBFANJS to go back and sort problems with jokes that feel as though they could be much better. Also, remember that an UnNews article should be impartial unless you explicitly state otherwise, if you don't specify a reason the article would not be impartial then the joke that the reporter agrees with the story should be reconsidered. You are also pretty incoherent with your humour and your jokes are very overt and obvious. For an UnNews article you should consider being a bit more subtle, if you take a look at this featured article you will notice several differences in the way you present your humour. Remember that an UnNews article's humour should be relatively easy to grasp even for one unfamiliar with the subject matter.

My above comment leads me neatly on to my point about accessibility, since you have chosen a character only previously apparent in internet memes on 4chan, most readers are simply going to consider the article stupid and you need to work to address this. Think about the way in which a normal news article introduces a reader to a subject they may be completely unfamiliar with, then transplant that style here and work on ways in which you can make it amusing. For example you could say ""Pedobear is a well known internet personality who has caused controversy by publishing material that suggests that paedophilia isn't as much of a problem as previously thought." While what I have written there may not be particularly brilliant it explains who the character is and doesn't just assume the reader knows already, with this knowledge the reader may find other jokes more amusing.

Concept: 5 Your concept is quite weak but could still be made into a pretty solid UnNews article. Your tone is very important here, take a look at some of the featured UnNews articles here and take note of the way the author speaks. You are aiming to sound like an actual newspaper would were it reporting this story. So, in your tone you need to be impartial, as noted above, and you need to stick to providing information and assessing the implications of whatever is going on in your article. You should also aim to sound professional and serious, as you can get a lot of humour from being serious about nonsense or something idiotic if you do it correctly. You should therefore look to remove things like, opinions (unless they are in quotes),and any prose that sound unprofessional.
Prose and formatting: 4 Right, your main problem here is not your spelling and grammar, but more your structure. Consider for a moment an actual news article, it's structure can be summed up like this: Headline -> Event that is being reported on (what happened/is happening) -> Background to event (the circumstances in which the event happened/is happening) -> Implications (What does this event mean in the grand scheme of things). You fall into a very common trap of racing into your article and forgetting to tell the reader what is going on. Fortunately this is pretty simple to correct, what you need to do is to simply go through the article and move things around and add parts where they are needed. I'm pretty sure this is within your ability as ultimately this isn't a bad first attempt at an UnNews. Formatting wise you do pretty well though, and I'm sure you know this, you need some images.
Images: 0 OK, I'm pretty sure you will have worked this out yourself but your article needs some images. Images are pretty easy to find, Google for them or even make your own. Be creative when you choose your images and think carefully about which ones will do best. The best images tend to compliment the article's content and be captioned in an intelligent and amusing way. Well made pictures also get you credit.
Miscellaneous: 5 My overall grade of the article
Final Score: 18 OK, it is important that you read this. I know that it is difficult and discouraging when you get a negative review back on something you have put a lot of time and effort into. Try not to be, you can really make this article work if you stick at it and focus on improving things. The article is a good first attempt and I have seen plenty of articles that are much worse than yours. Remember that the community on Uncyclopedia is full of people who are willing to lend a hand, just ask on talk pages and see what happens. Read HTBFANJS and take hints from featured articles. I am always happy to help people with an article, so feel free to contact me on my talk page with any questions, requests, comments and anything else you might want. Good luck making any changes.
Reviewer: --ChiefjusticeDS 09:06, 12 August 2009 (UTC)
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