Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Mattsnow/The 9/11 Commission Report

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edit The 9/11 Commission Report

Let me know what you think, suggestions for improvement and making it a bit longer, etc. :) Snowflake mini Mattsnow 16:35, August 4, 2011 (UTC)

The only issue I see with this article is that it's not in mainspace yet. Sir SockySexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk)Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 16:59, 4 August 2011
Err.. What's the difference? I intend on releasing it in the wild soon, I just want it to be good before I do. :) Snowflake mini Mattsnow 17:11, August 4, 2011 (UTC)
The difference is that I'm complimenting you on your writing skills, silly. Sir SockySexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk)Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 17:36, 4 August 2011
IT,s still open to review, so go ahead! Snowflake mini Mattsnow 14:35, August 10, 2011 (UTC)
The proper response to a compliment is thank you, Mattsnow. --Tophat headless 15:20, August 20, 2011 (UTC)
Yes, I shall do it sire. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 00:15, September 20, 2011 (UTC)
Awesome, finally someone reviews my stuff! And a good reviewer! A pro! Take your time, even if you finish in a week, that's cool! Snowflake mini Mattsnow 03:48, September 20, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 5.5 So the biggest thing I can say about humour is that it just has too much silliness in it, so that any argument you make aren't relevant to any points regarding what actually happened or what conspiracy theory guys think. For example, this line "The pilot's prowess was most impressive: he single-handedly maneuvered the Boeing in order to dodge all electrical lines and poles while tying his shoes, eating some greasy chips that made the commands slippery and shaping a dog with a balloon to give romantically to one of his 74 virgins." There are so many unnecessary jokes in here that it ruins the sarcasm you are trying to use here. I understand you are trying to show how unusual it is that the pilot was able to get through electrical lines (although the pentagon has everything like that underground?), but there is too much randomness in here that detracts from the article and makes it look just plain silly. I would suggest you change a majority of the article to be much more relevant to what people think happened. For example the section about World Trade Center 7, "The sun was pretty hot on that day. It melted the core. When this 47-story building was constructed out of rocks and mud, back in the Middle Ages, the Sun did not exist, therefore the architects are not at fault. Also, there were gusts of wind. What did you expect?" I mean, I get the sarcasm you are using here, but it feels more like some personal comments rather than what I would expect from a report, even if it's an uncyclopedia report. Maybe something like, "
Concept: 6 So, in general, your concept is a little tough to get into VFH, principally because its still a sensitive issue, especially since its september and the 10 year anniversary and lad-de-da. At the same time, you're bound to have some people who claim they don't find your article funny when they haven't even read it or simply don't like the political messages behind it. It does seem like this happened to some degree in your article's vote. However, I would like to agree with TKF on his point that your article doesn't deliver enough of a punch. Your article kind of has premature feeling to it, like its a rough draft right now and needs more work. Make the format cleaner, the humour less ridiculous and more relevant, etc. Principally, I don't want you to give up on this one, you just need to work on it a bit more, maybe get another pee review after that, and it should make it. Seriously though, these people have voted for much worse articles, it makes me wonder when they say no to particular ones...
Prose and formatting: 6.5 So I noticed some grammar errors here and there, as well as some spelling issues. Just re-read the article and pick those out and that's all you need to do.

Regarding format, I believe your biggest issue to be the fact that the first half of your article has the pictures bunched up, while the bottom half doesn't have anything at all. However, your pictures are placed well within their sections, so it's not like you can move them. My best suggestion would be to switch around some sections, like the world trade center 7 section with that about the pentagon and then move the picture with it. That should save some space and make the article look a lot cleaner.

That's about it here, everything else seems fine.

Images: 7 The images you have so far are good. As I say in format, you just need to move them around a bit, maybe down a bit, put one or two on the left, one on the right, things like that. Make it a little more cleaner. Aside from that, let's talk about the captions. Your captions are on the right track, they definitely have good jokes behind them...however, there's something about them that isn't good. I can't put my finger on it, but I think it's the wording? I feel like you have good jokes, but they aren't...I don't know how to say it. The humour isn't optimized I guess. I'm saying they could be funnier, but they need to be re-worded. Do you get what I'm saying? I hope so.

I also would consider putting some pictures for those last two sections, but this is entirely optional, since I already told you clean up the pictures too. If you can put some in though, maybe small ones on separate sides?...I have some ideas. One, would be to have a picture of the pentagon with the hole and a comment like, "They warned those meth-heads what would happen if they put the meth-lab close to electric room..." or something like that. For the hole one, maybe something like, "Farmer John is not going to be happy about this one..." Or something, I don't know. I'll let you figure this stuff out.

Miscellaneous: 7.5 So I noticed one key issue you're missing that would turn this article into an automatic VFH, which is simply-Hey! I just noticed my scores are going up by .5 points each time. Hahahaha, what a strange thing...What was I talking about again?
Final Score: 32.5 So that's about it Mattsnoo? Matsno?...Mattsnow! Ohhh right. Anyways, don't worry about asking any questions or comments on my talkpage, the FBI will probably be knocking on your door in about 5 minutes with questions of their own and maybe some searches of your premises...Enjoy the free colonoscopy!
Reviewer: --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 17:27, September 28, 2011 (UTC)
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