Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Mattsnow/Krypton (planet)
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A colab between me and Shabidoo, we're kinda stuck for the "remodeling" of it. Parts to delete/improve/expand? Do your best. Mattsnow 15:44, February 11, 2012 (UTC)
- I'm all over it like semen on a 15yo boys socks. Pup 07:50 08 Mar '12
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
I'm using Lyrithya's PEE template (again) as it allows me to put Concept first. This is not my normal way of doing things - I prefer to do Concept first, but in most cases I'm happy to just colour within the lines. The reason I'm not at the moment is that the Concept here is somewhat complicated, and it ties in closely to the humour in many ways, but in order for me to make sense of my thoughts I have to wrap my head around this first.
A complicated concept is not a major issue - in fact in some cases it can add a significant amount of humour to an article - but it can make it difficult to access it. In this case though you've managed to do something with a lot of complexity, a lot of random-ish humour, but still tie it in together neatly.
The first thing I had to do was reject much of my expectation for this article. Like most people, when I hear Krypton I think of one of two things, and when it's further defined as planet (or capitalised) that brings my attention to only one thing: Superman. So of course I'm expecting an article about the man in tights' home world.
The start of the article keeps me in that mindset. The details of the planets location, the entire lede, doesn't give any indication of going off that concept. The Geography - which is really starting to deceive the Kryptonian people - doesn't sway me far from that either, except in a very minor way (because it doesn't fit with the temperament of the people as depicted in the movie or in the comics).
And then I'm hit with the physiology. And from the word non-pedal, and just to the right of it an image of what is best described as a little green man. Suddenly I'm questioning my assumptions at the start, and re-reading parts of it to make sure I read it correctly.
In short, it's a bait and switch.
Now this could be a good idea, or a bad idea. Good in that the surprise twist in the middle will keep laughs rolling. Bad in that you could alienate an audience.
So wether you should change that or not - I have absolutely no opinion. And I'm a very opinionated person, so that's a rare occurrence.
Which means I'm changing my perspective, and assuming that I'm reading this review as though I were the writer. I would then say that what I have so far is a good article in so many aspects, despite the reviewer's ambiguous opinion. So I'd keep it in there.
As for the rest of it, there's a significant amount of seemingly random humour, but phrased intelligently enough and with enough internal cohesive logic (ie, it makes sense) that it avoids being stupid-random.
If there is any conceptual fault I'd pick on it's that some of the internal logic seems to be contradictory. The idea of the surface of the planet being 98% water and a surfer's dream planet while it's also considered dangerously insane to swim is inherently contradictory.
This is what usually is the major downfall of random as funny as a good idea here and a good idea there may not work together to maintain idea gooditivity. This is the only overt example of this I could see, but there may be others there.
I would be inclined to reduce the water to land mass ratio, by the way, to make it seem more intelligent.
I'd also say something about the Kryptonian science as well here. Being a people with wheels the first major technical human invention - the wheel - was something that was natively theirs. I'm tempted to steal a line from Douglas Adams and say "they were the first race to invent synthetic lubricant prior to the discovery of fire".
The other thing is we'd be talking about a culture that had no staircases. This may mean very little until you realise the idea of the DNA double helix came to one of the scientists studying genetics by looking at a spiral staircase. So does this mean that the understanding of genetics is very different on the planet due to the lack of this visual example?
Another aspect that doesn't quite work is the 5 senses/5 dimensions part. This could be clarified a little more. I was thinking of the concept of a hive mind where each individual is linked to every other Kryptonian individual in some kind of psychic loop. This would also make a sort of physical sense with the idea of a wheeled individual being effectively able to use their wheel as a cog which would make them part of a larger machine.
That idea may not add funny, by the way. It's my "hard" sci-fi mind coming out to play.
The music bit is a little too random for my liking, but that's an element of personal taste, not a comment on writing ability. The Bieber reference should be linked back to this somehow as well.
retarded Kryptonians' are treated with humanity should be kryptonanity, or something similar. And I enjoyed the 50 different variants on the name of the race as well.
Each time I re-read this there are things that I want to tweak, but not big things as such. I would suggest a bit of an odd proof reading technique - read it aloud. This means that you are engaging another sense while you are reading (aural) and means that you get a slightly different perspective on what you have written. That may help you get beyond the "stuck" feeling you mentioned when requesting this.
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
I have no idea what to put here as I've pretty much put it all above. So just read the above bit again.
|Prose and formatting |
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
I found a fair amount of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. Dexter (the Uncyclopedia user, not the serial killer, as far as I'm aware) used to moan about reviewers complaining about spelling mistakes and not fixing them. To explain why I'm not fixing them - you may choose to rewrite some, none, or all of this based upon what I've said. If you do then it will need to be proofread again.
Johnny Appleseed is a fantastic proof reader. Once you're feeling that you want this to Go on VFH, which I think you both feel is not far away, you may want to ask him for help with proofing. However if you do, I'd like you both to help him with comedic writing in return.
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
Nothing to say. 3 very good images, and good captioning. Possibly another image could be included, but to be honest I'd be loathe to add anything else in here.
I'd actually prefer it if these didn't have captions. A little unusual format wise, I realise, but something about the writing style in this one says to me that they would work better without them. If you decide to keep them though, try and limit them to a single line. The captions on the Kryptolonian image and on the crop circle one are far too long.
Brevity is good.
A rule I obviously ignore whenever reviewing
Anything else... or not...
|Honestly, despite everything I've said already, it's a brilliant article. The style is intelligent and random mixed in together - a very unusual combination, and one that I'm impressed that you've pulled off so well.
I'd vote for this on VFH, but it's minor proofing and slight tweaking away from top 10.
|Final score |
Pup 12:57 08 Mar '12