Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Maniacmikesmansion/Tapir smoking
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This is my first article on uncyclopedia, so of course I don't expect it to be flawless. I do feel however that it is mature enough for some peeing on:)
Otherwise I look forward to any comments/critique on the content as well as form.00:36, December 30, 2012 (UTC)
- Looks fun. I'll review it when I have time (very soon, hopefully). -- Murder Frog (Argue loudly) Ride the snake...to the lake... 01:23, January 2, 2013 (UTC)
|Humour:||5.5||A lot of this article is amusing because of the nice concept; smoking animals for pleasure. However, have you seen the article kitten huffing? That article is a lot like yours, except it talks about inhaling the essence of kittens rather than tapirs. Now, I'm not trying to say that your idea is unoriginal, but I do want to say that you should strive to make what you have as unique as possible. So far, I like a lot of things about what you have; you go into particulars concerning tapir smoking, and are for the most part very "informative" with the topic, which is what makes an Uncyclopedia article good (see HTBFANJS; the biggest piece of advice I gained from it was to be either as close to the truth as possible when writing about an actual topic, or trying to sound as encyclopedic as possible when writing about made-up topics). So, keeping that in mind, try to improve on the mostly very "official-sounding" prose you have now, and be consistent through the whole thing.
Some things I would try to improve on to make it funnier and not just amusing would be to first lose things like "smoking tapirs is just what it sounds like", because this is unnecessary and the article could be started with something better, like perhaps a short sentence or two on the basic history or characteristics of tapir smoking. There are some other instances of things like this which could be made less wordy and easier to understand; habit an article that flows is a lot nicer than one you have to trudge through like quicksand. Also, in regards to beginning he article, you really should get rid of the first section, "Tapir smoking", and move the revised text and quotes up to the top as an introduction, that serves as a section on the title in itself, and looks a whole lot better. Additionally, retitle some of your sections. "How-to" could be switched to something like "Methods", and "Endangerment" would probably be better off as something like "Adverse Effects". And the "Flavas" section should just be "Flavors". That confused me at first, but I read it and I think it's my favorite section in the article so far. Like I said, the more encyclopedic the better. And keep that in mind as you try to improve the humor for this article. Even look to the kitten huffing article for inspiration if you want, but again, try to be unique since the concept has been used in a similar way. I would encourage you to be even more wild with your ideas, just not crazy wild so it turns into something super-surreal, but if you get a strange fictional idea for an aspect of tapir smoking and its funny, put it in, keeping the formal tone to do so. Freak out! So in short, clear some things up to make it more formal, and work on uniqueness and good writing. You've got a great start so far.
|Concept:||7||Like I wrote earlier; it has been used before on this site, but that doesn't meant you can't be creative with it. You're just going to have to make it your own, and not a carbon copy of kitten huffing. It's outlandish and that's good, so work with it.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||Getting close with that encyclopedic prose, but clear up some of those spaces where you have unneccesary phrases and more informal wording. You are the world expert on tapir smoking! You have smoked many tapirs before (maybe). So share your knowledge. Also, there are some mistakes throughout the article with things like quotation marks, commas, etc. Get those cleared up; I've found that cleaning up things like that actually make the whole paragraphs look a lot cleaner and eye-friendly. Right now you have a number of sentences/paragraphs that catch my eye because I see small errors or even just apostrophes in contractions. Getting rid of every contraction you have probably wont happen, but personally I don't like using contractions when I'm really trying to be formal in a humor article. Makes it sound a lot better in many cases, but again that's more my preference.|
|Images:||6||Only two photos, maybe add one or two more to fill it out. I must say, I found the animated gif kind of confusing and crude at first, but now that I look at it again, it is amusing in a way, with the smoldering tapir and all. Anyway, I'm always jealous of people with animation skills.|
|Miscellaneous:||5.5||My overall opinion, humor is weighed heavily on any article.|
|Final Score:||30||Keep working on the humor, make it more encyclopedic, and be creative with the topic. Rival kitten huffing with your informative prose! Good job so far, man. Really, its not bad at all for a first article. Also, once you do a few of the things I suggested, you could probably move this to the mainspace, or even now if you wanted to. But first at least move the "Tapir smoking" section and quotes to the top as an introduction. Nice start!|
|Reviewer:||-- Murder Frog (Argue loudly) Ride the snake...to the lake... 03:01, January 2, 2013 (UTC)|