Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Maniac1075/James Rolfe
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16:04, March 23, 2012 (UTC)
- I'll give it a shot. • Puppy's talk page • 04:39 26 Mar
|Humour:||6||Okay. As is becoming a habit of mine I'm meshing in concept and humour together. The reason is... actually, I couldn't be buggered explaining why. Just go with it.
My first issue is that prior to reading this I had no idea who James Rolfe is. I figured I'd have a look out the AVGN page we have, and it's pretty bad. It also didn't help. I jumped onto Wikipedia:James Rolfe. It was also fairly unhelpful. Although bloody funny.
So I jumped onto the Cinemassacre site. I picked a random video and started watching. I picked one where he was responding to YouTube comments. He was an extremely dull person. It was like watching someone who has "#teamfollowback" reading their timeline.
But it gave me a little insight into this guy. (And I'll come back to that video later.)
Having done my minimal amount of research I started going through the article in depth. You paint a fairly good picture of the guy. A little random humour in it at times, but not too far off track and mainly as an exaggeration of the hideous reality rather than a complete fabrication.
But there are other directions this can, and probably should, go.
One thing I try to do when I'm writing is go off on tangents. I don't write in this way as such, but allow my mind to wander fairly aimlessly, and see where it takes me. One thing that my mind wandered to was looking at the "Broadcast yourself" YouTube mentality, and in with that every other vanity site on Earth.
This guy has fallen into one of the biggest traps anyone with a public personality can fall into - believing in your own press. He has started to believe that whatever he says, no matter how banal or stupid it may be, people will fawn all over him and tell him how brilliant he is.
That has lead to the current videos he is putting out there. But I'd expand on his excessive self belief. That is what is most fascinating about this guy (from my perspective).
The more this angle is emphasised the better. The ongoing enmity is uninteresting unless we can understand and - to an extent - identify with the person. Being ignorant of who he is this article lacks oomph. With a little knowledge it becomes more personal and therefore more interesting.
|Concept:||6||So, into a little more nitty gritty. Dates may seem unimportant, but to identify with someone a clear timeline makes more sense. Make sure your dates follow a logical progression.
TMNT was created in 85(ish) but didn't start to become popular in Western culture for another 2 or 3 years. If he was born in 1980 then he would have been in Kindergarten in 84/85. This may be very picky stuff but to make sense of the timeline it is worthwhile to pay a little attention to detail. 85 was more donkey kong/Pacman.
He also would have been predominantly illiterate. Any parent of preschoolers is used to looking at "writing" from kids and saying "That's really well done. What does it say?" Play on this in relationship to the 3 page letter.
High school nerd is a better section, but what 8th grade nerd could possibly encourage a number of cheerleaders to nude up without payment? How did he afford this?
And one minor point - he's apparently married. How? Seriously, what kind of girl is attracted to him? Which makes me want to go down the "imaginary girlfriend" route.
|Prose and formatting:||6||Your spelling is pretty bad, but I noticed a request to prof read, so I won't pick on that.
Okay - I've never said this before, but I think this article needs a couple of quotes. Not in the lede, but at the start of a couple of sections I'd include genuine quotes from his "fans". There are a lot of really stupid bits and pieces of feedback this guy gets. Use some of them.
|Images:||6||I don't know about the images. I mean you need to have images of him given the article is about him, but none of them add any real humour. (Except the teenage James. Very well suited.)
You may want to work on the captioning then. Make the most of what you have.
Oh, and I'd like the phone number for that girl.
|Miscellaneous:||6||It's an above average but below feature article.
Oh, and this is a rewrite of the AVGN article we have. Feel free to paste this over the top of that.
|Reviewer:||• Puppy's talk page • 04:39 26 Mar|