Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Magic man/UnNews:Old people more likely to die, study shows

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edit User:Magic man/UnNews:Old people more likely to die, study shows

Tophat headless 00:58, March 20, 2011 (UTC)

I'll get this one. Jackofspades (talk) 05:02, March 20, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 7.5 As with most UnNews this article gets most of its humor from the concept and quotes in the article. Most of the humor is pretty good, but there is one thing I want to talk about in this section. Generally jokes about death aren't all that funny, especially in a satirical way as to pull off the joke it has to sound fairly real. Right now you have a quote suggesting that finishing the research is causing one of the scientists to think about killing herself. There are much better ways to make it seem like someone has lost all hope in their life (especially women with this wonderful thing called sexism.) For example, you could say she was just going to go home and cry into a quart of ice cream (yay racism!) Or perhaps sit in the shower clutching her knees for an hour. Other than that one instance you have good humor. I especially like that the "smaller issues" the clinic will be working on is ridiculously small-scale stuff. The last line is a good and funny conclusion while the project the scientists were working on before is also really funny. Good job.
Concept: 8 I really like the concept of this article. However, you don't really expand on the whole research aspect that you've set up in the article. You say that an old person died, therefore old people are more likely to die. Was there a control group? Maybe the control group died in a car accident 15 minutes later proving that old people are more likely to die, but not by much. There's a lot of ways you can go with a article on a study. As it currently is, this article only talks about what happened before and after the study was conducted, while there's only one sentence talking about what happened during the study. The rest of the article is really good, but it's mainly background information making it less important than what the article is actually about (the study.) To incorporate this I would recommend just adding another paragraph on the study itself and maybe changing a couple lines in the rest of the article to match what you put in your added paragraph.
Prose and formatting: 7.5 The formatting is nearly perfect for an UnNews article. I think the {{Original}} template is usually under a sources header, but that's probably just a personal choice. The prose is pretty good too, but there are a couple of things that I noticed. "Occupied" has 2 c's in it. The city and state at the beginning of the article is always in all caps as far as I know, and when you do something like: "quote," said name, "rest of quote." there usually isn't a period until the end of the quoted part. Another thing that's more stylistic than anything is that quotes are commonly in italics. I typically do this for my UnNews articles, but it's not something that is all that important. I can't find any other parts to fix right now.
Images: 7 Pretty good image with a good caption to it. I'd prefer to have seen some older scientists in this picture, and a woman since you quote one Lisa Garber in the article. It's a good one for your article though so if you can't find one that's similar with what I said before you can definitely keep it in. The caption is good, but you also make it seem like the head scientist is depressed by finding out Bertha died in the article. Changing the caption to say that this is a picture of all the other scientists celebrating, or all the students/interns then it would remedy all of the above. The last thing I want to say about the picture is the bold caption makes it look a little awkward and only really fits in certain situations.
Miscellaneous: 7.5 Overall "feel" of the article.
Final Score: 37.5 This is a good example of an UnNews, but you could still make it a little better.
Reviewer: Jackofspades (talk)
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