Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:MacMania/Ultra Light Me

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The worst thing I have ever done. Ever. Please tell me that I can salvage this somehow, and how I can salvage this, er, somehow. MacManiasig.png MacManiasig-cheerios.png MacManiasig-holmes.png MacManiasig-starwars.png MacManiasig-firefly.png MacManiasig-pixar.png MacManiasig-oregon.png MacManiasig-lesmiz.png MacManiasig-doctor.png 16px-HalLogo.png Portal16px.png UncycLensFlare16px.pngDalek16px.png 16px-ChekhovSig.png16px-JapanSig.png Sir MacMania GUN[23:27 26 Jul 2010]

Because such a good idea shouldn't go to waste and because this has been sitting in the queue way too long and because I assume MacMania is coming back eventually, I'ma review this. One earth day, give or take a time zone and possibly a daylight savings time. Yada yada. Moo. ~ Pointy (talk) (stalk) -- 20100907 - 02:00 (UTC)
Humour: 5 Hmm... so apparently, the main problem here is that it's just not that funny, far as I can tell.

Perhaps it's just that it's too dry and technical, too much like the wikipedia one, too serious, but on the other hand... such dry humour obviously can work, and for something like this it certainly should. For some reason it simply isn't working here, and I'm at an utter loss as to why. But maybe if I keep typing something'll come out...

The concept here is great, see. Perhaps not exactly up there with Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal, but still in the general range, so the problem is evidently in the implementation and just how it reads. It starts out normal - too normal. But at the same time, it's not dramatic enough. It's not making a big enough deal, not serious enough to elicit concern - it's just, this is a documentary. Facts about documentary. The fact that it's not the real documentary is not enough; it needs to take itself more seriously. It needs... adjectives. Big ones. Melancholy, woeful, gross, deplorable adjectives. Strength in words, persuasion through powerful diction, because having this merely be an encyclopaedia article is not enough. Looking to Swift's lovely little thingy, I believe I can safely say it would greatly benefit this article to be another overly erudite matter-of-fact piece of propaganda. But no obviously than it is now, merely with power.

So for the piece-by piece:

  • The infobox - its vagueness and unprofessionalism really detracts, I think. Treating this seriously, especially as ridiculous a concept as it is, will only help the piece. If even further ridiculousness is treated seriously, all the better - making up numbers will help, but they need not make sense, so long as there is a reason. Not necessarily a sensible one, mind... or something.
And for that matter, instead of 'someone not Dylan Lockspur', maybe... <someone> due to Lockspur's cigarette-induced inability to... something or other.
  • Introduction - 'The reason for Lockspur's experimentation with tobacco was its continuing presence'... it's just so... well, limp. Reading overly strongly like an impeccably worded piece of propaganda would probably help this, if I have any idea what I'm talking about.
The mention of fast food companies to tie this to the real documentary is a good move, but there is probably something more that could be done with it. I just don't know what.
  • Synopsis - The quote is a good start, though he may not be being persuasive enough. Like, he could really drive home the responsibility bits - corporate-social responsibility is a really big thing these days. And saying it's reckless may not give the right impression. Folks know it's reckless. Courageous or powerful or something about him being this great hero might work better. And check the grammar. I don't care if it's a 'quote'.
The wii fit plus, while vaguely amusing, might work better as a hidden link - call it a personal trainer or something. I dunno. This part seems to be spending too much time mocking average folks and not enough lulling people in... or some such. And playing off the doctors, another good silly move, them randoms, as experts and whatnot might help.
Experiment - Some of these links are a little too literal, possibly. I mean, oxymoron? Really... surely there must be a better way to get that across. Say, an example... but besides that, this could perhaps benefit from some description of how awful this lifestyle is. This ignorance and unhealthiness, for instance... it needs adjectives! Strength in adjectives. As is it's really kind of blaaaaaah. Funny bits, but overall too matter-of-fact blah. A different kind of matter of fact could be better. Really. *shifty eyes*
Completion - 'Wildly surprised'... actually, this section is not so bad. The content is quite well done. But it could do with adjectives. Adjectives are nice.
  • Release - Too many transitions, not enough blatant propagandising or funny links. At very least we should agree that funny links are important. The bit about the cost of ink is stretching, too. Other than that, though... the ratings certainly fit. Maybe some more about how it's terrible for children to see such things because the real world is such a deplorable whatnot? I mean, it's implied, but...
  • Reaction - This section mirrors the wikipedia article so well that that in of itself makes it funny. Granted, it also requires that one read said article, which I suppose may have something to do with why the bouncy thing is there... still, the whole thing is a lot funnier once folks get the connection. Although I may just be dense.
And as usual, adjectives...
Concept: 8 This wound up in the humour, being kind of tied to the problem, and all. Not that this is. The problem, I mean. I rather adore this concept, see. Turning the fast food into cigarettes was a rather brilliant step.
Prose and formatting: 4 There be comma splices. But in all seriousness (although there are comma splices), most of this also wound up in the humour. Whoops.

Obviously it needs a proofread, but the readability and whatnot are fine. It really does need funny, though, hence the idea of overserious strongness...

Images: 6 Well, the images themselves perhaps could use a little work... the poster needs some sort of shadows so his teeth aren't becoming the cigarettes (which I'd do myself, but I'm too busy being lazy, currently) and the Pal Mal ad is so terribly composed that it actually looks almost real. It's actually kind of funny, really, and spoofs the McDonald's reaction to the movie rather well, so nevermind... and the tombstone, though cheesey, works well enough as an image, though not necessarily where it is. Maybe it could be a little more down, say, at the bottom. Final end of the thingy, instead of just being a comment off to the side. Might make it a little more impactive/funny/something.

Especially considering how its caption is further obviousness. Works well enough for the ciggy ad, but the stone's is a bit much. May as well just remove its caption entirely (especially since it has text built-in).

And if it looks lopsided, well, another picture from the 'documentary' might do, or some such.

Miscellaneous: 5 I'd say this deserves a large, chocolate and arsenic muffin as its average, but as that's not a number, let's call it a 5, instead. Not so bad as the guy makes out, but not nearly as good as it should be.
Final Score: 28 You know, since mister writer guy left this in the queue and mainspaced it and everything, mister writer guy has essentially left it wide open to being fixed up by someone else.

But I'm waaaay too lazy.

So this is just some ideas for if and when he gets back or for anyone else who wants to attack the thing in the meantime. To whichever: Make it funny, best of luck, hope this helps. And MacMania, you'd better come back.

Reviewer: *shifty eyes* ~ Pointy (talk) (stalk) -- 20100908 - 03:54 (UTC)
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