Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Lockdandload/UNnewsSS amanda green

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edit User:Lockdandload/UNnewsSS amanda green

Lock'd And Loaded ~CUN ~ (Shoot!) 14:28, March 27, 2011 (UTC)

It's flamingoing time (ie. I'll get this). --Black Flamingo 14:00, April 9, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 5 Hi Lockdandload, I've seen your name around and I'd just like to extend my own personal welcome to the site, hope you enjoy it. Anyway, let's take a look at your article.

The humour for this is a tricky one. One the one hand, you do have a good idea behind it but ultimately there aren't that many jokes. All it really has going for it is the gag that a captain fled his sinking ship and left the crew to their fates. While that's amusing, there are only one or two lines that actually got laughs out of me, because for the most part it's just a fairly-straight description of the set-up and the consequences. It can be very difficult getting the joke-ratio right in an article, so it's understandable that you've miscalculated on this one. Generally, the very informative and dry approach you have here doesn't work for short articles. It works best in an article like Akira Kurosawa; a deliciously highbrow article which is long and clever enough to get by on just a few gags. Note that when I say "gag" I mean a traditional joke that contains a punchline, like this one completely off the top of my head, for instance: "I find Harry Potter a bit far fetched... I mean, a ginger has two friends." That's an actual joke, with a twist and a punchline, rather than just a description of something humorous, which is what a lot of writers on here tend to do. There's nothing wrong with not having gags of course, but I think for an article like this - that's so short and so focussed - you really need more humour like the example I give there. A much better writer/reviewer than I once said that if any line doesn't make a joke, or set up a joke, then it has no place in an Uncyclopedia article. While I think that might be a bit extreme, he has a point, and much of your article doesn't do either of those things. Articles, and a lot of UnNews especially, can contain only one real joke and still be successful, but it usually has to be a damn good joke. This one, sadly, isn't (sorry). It's not bad, in fact it is pretty funny, but it's not mindblowingly good. That's why I'd suggest you take a look at some of our great gag-filled articles like this one - note how it's a very simple, very short piece but still manages to be incredibly funny. Virtually every line has a laugh-out-loud moment. Everyone has their own style of course, but when I write I try to get at least one joke per paragraph (although I usually end up with more). You should definitely have a think about what further twists and turns you can get out of this subject, even if you're literally just getting one or two more in.

I'm going to give you an example of what you could do, just so you have a better idea of what I'm talking about. Try to twist ordinary sentences into jokes, especially quite mundane ones that the reader wouldn't expect to "turn funny". To pick a random line and add something to the end: "One of the passenger's last radio transmissions stated that they had spotted sea water seeping into the craft, which, according to his message, is not supposed to happen." That's a shit joke, I realise that, but I hope it illustrates my point - you can make jokes out of anything really, you don't have to be so straight all the time. Take a look at some of your other jokeless sentences and see if you can add an unexpected twist. That's all a joke is at the end of the day.

Concept: 7 As I've stated your concept is ok, it's just the delivery that's the problem. One thing I would like to mention here though, is how odd the concept seems. Usually, original reporting is an excuse for the writer to experiment, do something zany or surreal, but you've got a fairly standard, realistic story that could well have been in the news. Two things here, I suppose. Firstly, if it is in fact a real story (which I can't help but feel like it must be - maybe I'm unimaginative but I don't understand how someone could make something like this up) you will definitely want to link to the source. This will give it a bit more prestige, and readers will take it more seriously. It will also seem much funnier if we know it's true, much like this UnNews piece, which doesn't contain that many jokes either, but is so funny simply because it really happened, pretty much word-for-word. Secondly, if it is an original story, you should have no problem getting more jokes in there. Go off the handle, experiment, see what you can come up with. What other funny things might have happened? What did the other survivors (if any) say? How bad (or not-bad) was the storm?
Prose and formatting: 5 Ok, there are a lot of problems here, mostly with grammar, so I'm going to list them. This isn't an exhaustive list however, and I would recommend a thorough proofread and/or pasting it into a spellchecker. You could also try reading it aloud, as there are some awkward bits of prose and this should help you to work those out.
  • You use the abbreviation "S.S", but this isn't the correct way to do so. If you're abbreviating something to first letters you don't need the dots, although if you are going to use them it has to be two, one after each letter, as in "S.S." - "SS" is also acceptable however (at least in Britain it is, where it's the preferred method, I think in America it might be the other way around).
  • 1st paragraph - Here there is an instance in which you confuse the tenses. You say it "has sunk" (present tense) ... "later in the evening" (future tense). When did it sink? Do you mean "late in the evening"? Even if that's what you meant, you can't use the present tense, you'll have to use past and say "it sunk late in the evening" rather than it "has sunk late in the evening". The rest of the article uses past tense, so stick with that (you probably shouldn't be writing in anything else anyway).
  • 2nd paragraph - "passengers" - this needs an apostrophe as it's possessive; the transmission belongs to them.
  • 3rd paragraph - "Most of the bodies of the 573 passengers aboard the S.S Freya Ingvild, were found by state Wildlife and Fisheries agents" - You don't need a comma as there's nothing to separate, it's all part of the same flowing sentence.
  • 5th paragraph - "Thinking he was in shock, Gotfriid was taken to Lady of the Sea General Hospital" - You need to mention who thought he was in shock; Gotfriid is the object in this sentence, not the subject. You don't specify who the subject is (ie. the person who did the action the sentence describes). Reword it to "Thinking he was in shock, they/the agents/medics took Gotfriid to Lady of the Sea General Hospital".
  • 6th paragraph - "Got the hell out of there!". - This doesn't need a full-stop/period as you've also go an exclamation point, which serves the same purpose (or; it doesn't need an exclamation mark as it's got a full-stop/period, whichever you deem most appropriate). You do this two other times as well, keep an eye out for those. I personally don't like the capitalisation of "Got" either, but I think that's at the discretion of the writer.
  • 6th paragraph - He said that he "packed my belongings..." - You can't switch between third and first person like this. You can introduce the quote by saying "he said" and then have him say "I packed my belongings", or you can put "[his]" in the quote instead of "my". Trying to flow between the two as you do here just looks very scruffy and unprofessional, which is especially detrimental in UnNews.
  • 6th paragraph - You say "got out of there" twice in quick succession, which makes the whole line read a bit awkwardly. Try not to repeat yourself like this.
  • 6th paragraph - "...I handle accordingly" He stated - Don't capitalise the "he", it's not the start of a new sentence (although I supposed quotes do confuse things like this, you should probably also put a comma at the end of the quote).
  • 6th paragraph - "When asked if he didn't feel responsible..." - Here you're overcomplicating the language, just say "when asked if he felt responsible".
  • 6th paragraph - "I think everyone just have to look after themselves" - Here you're confusing tenses again, it should be "has", not "have".
  • 8th paragraph - "When climbing aboard the boat some passengers got the feeling something wasn't quite right" - Why were they climbing aboard the boat, I really don't understand this line.
  • last paragraph - "UN:News" - This is not the correct way to refer to UnNews. Just look at the sidebar, or the main page, it's always written as "UnNews".

There are a couple of issues with the formatting too, most noticeably the big gaps in between some of the paragraphs. This makes it look scruffy and inconsistent; one line spacing is all you need between blocks of text. Also, according to UnNews conventions, the original reporting template should be in its own section, usually titled "sources". And finally, what is the "Featured" template thing you're using there? You can't even see it. I'd get rid of it, I don't really see how it adds anything.

Images: 7 I like both your images, especially the one of water (I don't know why but I found that very striking - great choice). The captions are good too, the only problem is with their positioning. The first one is probably a little too big because it interrupts the flow of text in one of the paragraphs. This isn't a major detractor obviously, but it may be something to work on. The second one seems a bit randomly placed as it leaves a massive section of white space. This one might be better a little higher up and maybe on the left hand side. The way the text is broken up by both images being on the same side looks a bit ugly, so I would definitely move one of them to the left.
Miscellaneous: 6 My overall impression of the article.
Final Score: 30 Ok so like I said, you have some great ideas here, and for a relatively new user you do this really well. I'd like to see you work on it a little bit more then I'm sure it will be ready for mainspace. The main things to work on are the grammar, and perhaps getting a few more jokes in there if you can. Reading our featured articles might give you some ideas too. You also need to do something about the formatting, as it's a bit all over the place right now. Apart from that, good work. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, please let me know on my talky page and I'll try to help. I hope the review is ok.
Reviewer: --Black Flamingo 17:51, April 9, 2011 (UTC)
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