Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Joe9320/Why?:Be a refugee from Encyclopedia Dramatica (Second review)
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The last time I sent a pee review, they gave me a critique and I decided to improve it. Now, it starts to look clean. |Si Plebius Dato' (Sir) Joe ang Man on Fire CUN|IC Kill | 10:44, June 22, 2011 (UTC)
- Hmm, this has been here for almost three months... time to remedy that. 20:45, 19 September 2011
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
|I'm really not entirely sure what's going on with this. What happened, exactly? Don't expect us to know that ahead of time, especially now that the thing is back up and whatnot anyway, which is also something you might want to take into consideration in general. But this is also supposed to be a Why?, isn't it? It reads like a HowTo, especially from the start, already assuming that the reader is from there and treating the thing as a guide... HowTos guide. So you may as well go along with that. Move the thing, treat it all as a guide, and make sure everything goes along with that, and that each successive thing goes along with what came previously, or you're apt to wind up with an article that doesn't make sense with itself.
Which it kind of doesn't. Since you do start out treating the readers as if they are/were a member of ED, having a section on who and what Encyclopedia Dramaticans are really doesn't make any sense - they of all people should know. The Comments of Hardships is better - it addresses the topic more, but what point are you making with these? How are they actually relevant? Establish this as well as providing the quotes or all they are is a pile of quotes. The What to do sections fit quite well with the intro, but not with it being a why - so if you do make it a HowTo, these are what you would want to expand on, as well as the where to seek refuge section. The Comparison with Wikileaks likewise doesn't appear to have any purpose in being there - doesn't help answer the question of why be a refugee and also doesn't do anything for a guide how to be a refugee, if you go in that direction. I'm also not sure what the 'Encyclopedia Dramatica Refugee Action Network' is supposed to be.
Worry more about specifics once you've sorted out what you're even doing. I will say this, however - just describing things basically as they are is generally not funny. Using brief descriptions to support why X action is the best can be, however, but you need to keep it brief when you do that.
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
|Sort out whether this is a Why? or a HowTo and then approach it accordingly. If it is a why, answer the question - say just why someone would be or want to be a refugee. If it is a HowTo, which more of it supports at present, get rid of the other stuff and use it to guide the refugees in being proper refugees.|
|Prose and formatting |
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
|It's odd, but the entire thing seems rather massive-block-of-text-like, perhaps in part because you removed the table of contents. I'm not sure why you did that, but if it was because there were too many subsections, it may be a sign that you have too many subsections and might want to merge some, probably the alternative website ones, seeing as they're each only a short paragraph long.
But what makes your prose weak is more how it is, than anything else. You'll definitely want to get someone to proofread it, as I understand English is apparently not your first language, or something, and it needs it. You should also try to work on your times - keep tenses consistent, don't say 'and then' unless the 'and then' thing came after the previous thing, and say stuff in a logical order, with what comes next making sense with what came previously. That kind of thing. And grammar. But proofreading may cover that.
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
|The images you have in thumbs are aiight - be better if we could see what's actually going on, though. As diagrams, they generally need to be big enough for readers to read the text, unless you say as much in the caption. In the case of these, however, just making them bigger would probably work best.
As for the popup pixel goatse, that's just not funny, nor does it really help your article any. Sorry.
But what you really need are more images - break up the massive pile of text some. Lead with something stong, something likely to make an impact on the reader... and no, I don't mean goatse. I mean like a drug addict in withdrawal, or some such, since as a refugee the one will suddenly be without what it depended on, and whatnot. And images for things like the culture, other users, maybe even a generic image of a whole lot of refugees... and images for some of the alternatives? Make them serious or silly, just illustrate your points. And make it all look prettier.
Anything else... or not...
|Final score |
22:23, 19 September 2011
|Sort out what this is, clean it up, and come back later, I suppose. Hopefully this will help, and all that... if you have questions, comments, etc, I'm sure you know where to find me by now...