Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:JackOfSpades/WiP/Chemistry

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edit User:JackOfSpades/WiP/Chemistry

Pup 12:38 17 Feb '11

I'll review it if you can move the article to it's own page from the userpage. Otherwise, I can't submit a review and have to copy and paste and ughh. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 21:35, March 3, 2011 (UTC)
Moved to Chemistry (class). Jackofspades (talk) 21:57, March 3, 2011 (UTC)
Alright. Expect it within 24 hours, starting now. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 01:41, March 4, 2011 (UTC)
I'm working on it right now. Be done in oh...45 minutes. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 21:54, March 4, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 6.5 So your main two points in this article seem to be the emphasis on explosions and the whole, mad scientist idea. This combination works well, however, there are some points that I need to make. For one, you bring up Sir Isaac Newton, but don't really make any significant jokes with him, so why bring him up? Maybe you could say that, "Newton, of course, used chemistry to discover gravity. One day, Newton decided to study outside and sat under a tree. As Newton was enjoying his day and laid his head back for a nap, an apple fell on top of Newton's head. Newton got upset and like any rational thinker of his time would do, blew up the tree. As Newton was laughing, like this, AHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA, he noticed that apples were falling all around him, meaning that something was keeping the apples on earth. BAM, gravity." Just an idea, but I would suggest either deleting that Newton part, or making it seem contributing to the article.

I'm looking at the branches of chemistry, and I the one thing that bugs me is that you give subtitles to each type of chemistry, but you don't have that much to say for them. I want to say that you should try to expand them so that they deserve such a bold title, but I can't think of anything to help guide you to expanding them. Hopefully you can think of something, or at least make the font of the subtitles a little smaller, because that is little bit overlapping with the formatting. Titles like that usually correlate with a paragraph, but that's all I can think of. Sorry about that. In regards to the jokes made inside, They are appropriate and generally funny. I might suggest creating some new form of chemistry that the teacher made up and have him yelling about it and how its all focused on lasers and explosions, or something. Just an idea

For the main elements, I think you should begin with common elements, and then go into the 'explosions' and 'BOOM' and BANG' parts. If you want, you could also include a picture of the periodic table with comments on certain elements saying how big they go BOOM, or just have a simple periodic tables with the sections labeled as EXPLOSIVE, REALLY EXPLOSIVE, HIROSHIMA-TYPE EXPLOSIVE and AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH EXPLOSIVE. I really think that a picture of the periodic table would be appropriate in this article, especially in this section.

I like the lab requirements sections. I think you could also add another subsection like Ability to conduct experiments appropriately and then be like, "JIMMY, COME UP HERE AND PUT THIS MAGNESIUM AND LIQUID NITROGEN TOGETHER. AHAHHAHA BOOOM! AHAHHAH...AHHA...AH...Hey, where'd Jimmy go? He was just her-oh...well, kids, that's why you need to conduct your experiments well, or else you might go BOOM too and fly out the window. Someone call 911 and JIMMY, YOU HAVE A F. AHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA." Once again, just an idea.

So that's that for humour, let's continue, shall we?

Concept: 6 So based on the source you provide, I'm assuming that you are basing this article on Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde? This sort of makes the idea of a mad chemist seem slightly original, but it still feels a little expected. However, it's not that big a deal. The main issue I do have however, is that you don't really expand on this concept. You merely make the chemist teacher appear to be deteriorating into insanity. If you're going for the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde approach, I would suggest making it seem as if the teacher changes personalities completely from a sane teacher, to a mad chemist. Two personas, you know? Otherwise, it just appears that the teacher is already crazy and obsessed with explosions and just forgot to take his prozac, hence the yelling.

Try to insert a section to make it seem like the teacher has to step out for a moment and comes back looking differently, something like this, "So that's what chemistry is-excuse me kids, I-ahh, I need to step outside for a mom-aaahhhHAHHA." And then have a new section with a title like, "Okay kids, I'm back" and have this section make it seems like the teacher transformed into a crazy mad scientist, and give him some distinct feature so that the reader won't get confused between the two characters, like a hairstyle or a beard. Something like this, "Hey kids, I'm back. What's that? Did I change jackets? Of course, I've been wearing this jacket all day and-what? Where did I get this moustache? I've had it all day, you don't think I just grew this moustache just now, do you? My you are a slow class. I can't wait to blow some of you up." And then you can insert a new section where the mad scientist transforms into the teacher again, without the teacher even knowing that it happened, making him wonder what was in that beaker he drank. You just need to expand the article to make the concept fit, otherwise it looks like it's just about a mad teacher.

I realize that this sort of thing belongs in the humour section, but I needed to elaborate on how to improve the concept, so here you go. Just to emphasize, try to make it more clear that the teacher keeps changing from sane to insane, because it gets a little confusing at some times.

Prose and formatting: 5.5 I'm not really pleased with your prose, but your formatting is overall fine. You need to go over the article again and look for spelling errors and grammar mis-usuages. There aren't many, but it would really help with the flow of the article if you fixed them, like here, "But- wait...that's not. Not every chemist is a serial killer ok?" You can't really end the first sentence like that because you don't have a noun that the verb is directed at. You should combine these two sentences. Just look for any other errors like this and you should be fine. Your formatting is fine, I outlined the main issue in the humour sections about the branches of Chemistry.
Images: 5.5 Let's go through this one by one, okay? Okay. So for your first picture, I'm not really feeling it. Maybe if you inserted a caption like, "My last year student after he decided to eat some aluminum when I dared him to-I mean, when he carelessly forget that aluminum is bad for your health..." Otherwise, the reader is forced to look at the caption in the picture, which really isn't even that funny. Maybe if it said that that's what you would look like if you ate unknown substances, but...it doesn't. If you do want to change it, which I suggest you do, I would use a picture of a slightly insane looking chemistry teacher in a chemistry class, or something that has a comedic reference to a mad teacher in a chemistry class. You could then make a caption like, "I bet you all are glad that the county decided to let me continue teaching even after that deadly small accident I had last year."

For your second picture with the lasers, the feeling in the caption and the picture don't match up. I would suggest finding a picture or requesting one that makes the scientist performing the experiment look maniacal. It would be more funny that way since the person would look crazy and excited about burning something up, even though he's not really burning anything up. That's the most I can think of for this one, oh, and the caption is fine.

For the pictures of explosions, I think you should blow those up 20 times bigger and have huge captions like "HAHAHHAHAH THAT NEVER THOUGHT THAT WOULD ACTUALLY BLOW UP THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE, BUT I DID AND THEY DON'T KNOW THAT IT WAS ME! THAT'S WHAT THE ASSHOLE GETS! CHEMISTRY BUDGET CUTS MY ASS!" and for the other pictures, something equally as crazy like, "FIRE! I NEED MORE FIRE! COME ONE KIDS, LET"S BLOW UP MANCHESTER! AHHAHAHAHHA" This should create a more dramatic feeling and make the article more funny at the overall silliness of the captions and size of the pictures.

I'm not sure were comments about videos go, so I just put that in miscellaneous.

Miscellaneous: 6 The main issue I have to tell you is, you probably won't want to embed videos into the article. They're time consuming and have a tendency to wear the humour off from the article. If anything, I would suggest taking a clip from the videos, like that one video from Scanners, and putting them on a loop so that the reader doesn't have to bother going from one link to another. Pretty much, get rid of the videos.

So yea, those are my main comments, not a long article so not much to say. Hope it all helps you out a bit.

Final Score: 29.5 So, overall, good work. Just look over any suggestions I have and your article should really turn out better. Your article isn't bad, I would just look to expanding a bit and fixing some of the jokes I suggested. I hope I was able to help you out and look forward to reading the article after re-edits. Come by my talk page for any questions and feel free to tell me when you're done editing, I'll be glad to look at it again afterwards. Once again, hope I was able to help. Good luck.

P.S. Sorry it took me so long, haven't slept in like 3 days and I didn't want to write a pee review when I'm out of it and probably wouldn't type coherent bagels and lions. That would be inconsiderate for a banana like me to do to you....what?

Reviewer: --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 23:49, March 4, 2011 (UTC)
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