Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Iwillkillyou333/Why?:You Should Never Mess with the Space Time Continuum
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I think I'll let Chief do this one and if he cant then Ill ask some one else. But yeah its my soon to be feature article; when its complete of course If you're 555 then I'm Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 00:29, August 30, 2010 (UTC)
- I'm in here, 24 hours. -- 16:00, September 1, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||3||Right, the humour here does have a number of issues that you should do your best to resolve. You have a reasonable grasp of what it is you want to do here and I can see where you were coming from with it but you aren't executing in the way I sense you were trying to. Upon completing the article my enduring feeling was that you had tried for a certain feel and that a number of errors were spoiling it for you. The first thing that struck me was that a lot of the humour is somewhat disjointed, what I mean by this is that you have lots of jokes and a good grounding for them, but you don't seem too sure of how to connect everything together. Look at it this way, if we consider your very first paragraph where the scientist is essentially laying down the premise of the article there are lots of jokes surrounding what he is saying but none really appear to lead us anywhere; ideally here you would want your jokes to lead us onto what the Space Time Continuum is in the context of your article (or indeed what it is in general for readers who are not avid Dr Who fans) instead the storyline of your article feels like it is being squeezed in between these jokes. My recommendation would be that you go back and see if you can slant your jokes more towards the article, consider realising the context a bit more, who are these children and why are they here? Remember articles like this are excellent for having humorous twists at the end as in this article you could consider building the article up so the scientist spends the whole time taking a group of children to another dimension who just wandered into his lab by mistake (or something less predictable than that). My other feeling is that you need to characterise the people appearing in your article, a lot of the humour from good articles that include characters comes from seeing them put into new situations as the reader grows to know them better, the main thing I think you need do is to try and build an identity for the scientist, try to encourage a role for him; like being a ridiculous guide to the world that the people in your article are going to see. This suggestion does not mean you need to include a bio for him at the start, indeed I would advise against doing something like that as it is a somewhat soulless way of introducing a character. Try indirectly telling us about him, things like "I came out of university with a first in... SCIENCE" or "No need to worry children, the portal works now, and the personal injury lawsuits are going nowhere" these small things give the reader a grounding in the character they are hearing you speak as, it establishes his credentials as questionable and suggests that they may not be as safe as he assures them they are.
The other thing that struck me is that a lot of the language is somewhat juvenile and very unscientific which can lead to your article sounding more unprofessional than anything else. One bit that struck me in particular was "after a man jacks off" which I cannot ever imagine even someone pretending to be a scientist saying that. Beyond that the jokes all seem to run into each other throughout every section, creating what I like to call Joke Gridlock, simply because there are so many jokes none of them have the chance to develop because the article immediately moves onto the next one, this means that while you get a couple of laughs, the unrelenting jokes eventually cause the reader to become bored and begin to skim read your article. My advice would be to go back, and remove a lot of the jokes in the existing sections simply to thin them down and shift your focus towards deciding what you want to happen in each section rather than doing the jokes first, try to structure things as right now I can't really identify a trend in any particular direction, much less a plot for your article.
As I say, you need to focus on your context and where you want your jokes to come from, I have seen you write much better than this so try to remember the basics before you move on to anything else, perhaps a number of these problems and the lack of direction is because the article is unfinished.
|Concept:||5||Your concept is reasonable and definitely has potential. The main issue here isn't what the potential is for as you seem to have a reasonable idea of where your article is going, what you need to focus on is your tone. Remember where the story here is supposed to be coming from, if you want input for the reader to be provided by him answering questions from the children then you will find it slightly more challenging if you continue to leave the questions out. You may wish to consider doing something like this where the questions form the basis for the start of each section. My advice would be to consider this at the same time as you consider your humour and decide once you decide whether you want this to go in a different direction. Characterisation is also essential here and you should always bear in mind what people are saying and whether what they are saying is in character, for instance you would not see Darth Vader saying "Penis" in any context as it isn't in character.|
|Prose and formatting:||4||OK, to get my first gripe out of the way you need to proofread your articles, or at the very least paste them into a word document and hit F7, spelling and grammar errors can really turn someone off an article and you need to pay attention to it. I realise this is unfinished but if you want to get all the errors then you need to proofread each section as you complete it, when I glance through I can see words missing and some grammar errors, it is a real shame because you are a competent writer but small things like this pull your articles back and undermine the tone that you build. You should also remember that the proofreading service is entirely at your disposal. Your images are ok, my only advice would be that you try spacing the images out a bit more and consider making them a bit bigger, you certainly seem to have the room. Take a look at some of the featured Why articles and see how they tell the story with the images.|
|Images:||7||I thought this is where you had done best, the images are good and demonstrate your points well, and your captions seem to encapsulate the tone you are trying for, the bemused tone in "Why this would ever appear is beyond me" is exactly the sort of thing you should aim to replicate and I think this is evidence that you can do exactly what you want to do, you just need to re-consider it and take your time with it.|
|Miscellaneous:||4||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||23||This article is unfinished and after reading it through and considering it, I can conclude that it definitely is in need of some resolution and direction. As I have mentioned, while the grade here is low, you have the potential and ability to make it much better. You should beware of trying to make too many jokes and be concious of your context at all time, keep asking yourself, am I making the points I need to and am I doing it in a believable way. I really believe you can make this work, so I hope you do so. If you have any questions you can ask them on my talk page. Good luck making any changes.|
|Reviewer:||--18:46, September 1, 2010 (UTC)|