Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Iwillkillyou333/Unbooks:Kidnapping the Presidents Daughter

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edit User:Iwillkillyou333/Unbooks:Kidnapping the Presidents Daughter

Still a work in progress, but still a good concept I say so myself. I recently fixed up some mistakes and spelling and grammar errors, yet if I missed anything, please let me know. Also, I haven't got any pics up yet, so spare me the criticism on that, but feel free to give me ideas for pics that I can put in. Indepth please. Regards.--If you're 555 then I'm Number of the Beast Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 00:52, September 21, 2010 (UTC) If you're 555 then I'm Number of the Beast Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 00:52, September 21, 2010 (UTC)

It shall be done --Sirrah CatshirE Chess the Striker2117 02:22, September 22, 2010 (UTC)

Humour: 6.5 Although it wasn't end to end lulz, after reading I understand that it wasn't meant to be because it actually does have an underlying story. Highlights that I suggest you expand (or since this work is only part-way done, add on) are the banter between the kidnappers ("Are you out of your fucking mind" "Pretty Much" and the godzilla line), the link jokes (the viscous German Shepards linking to "your mom" was a very nice touch), and the incompetence of the president and his administration (couldn't find his shoe and Mike Tyson as a member of his staff, which was very, very funny). The humour that was already in the story was very good, and I hope that the jokes will only improve as it continues to be written.
Concept: 7 Not much to say, as the story isn't completed yet. But at the moment, the story has approached the issue through multiple points of view, has been serious enough to remind you that a grue isn't going to come around the corner and eat everyone, and has been humorous enough to keep my attention. Keep it up.
Prose and formatting: 6 Broken down part by part with tedious attention to typos I noticed:

Beginning

You misspelled "a lot" as "allot" and "fine" as "find". The sentence "Ok, but I still it’s crazy that we are going to kidnap a rich teenage girl my age and convince her rich parents to pay a lot of money." needs either the "I" removed or be rewritten some other way.

Chapter 1: The Mall

In "Not going to happen, your coming with us" change "your" to "you're". Then in the sentence "Put your hand son the ground, mother fucker!" I think you meant it to say "hands on".

Chapter 2: The Highway

In "We've notice. " change "notice" to "noticed". In "And... are those F.B.I. units? Holy shit! (to the girl). Are you very rich for your father to afford all this? Because, this is ridicules. " change "ridicules" to "ridiculous". "My daddy is going to chop you dick off and stick it up your ass. " Change "you" to "your".

Chapter 3: The White House

In "What do you mean your busy? Your buying Taco Bell?" change "your" to "you're". "(n the intercom)" should be "(on the intercom" and possibly italicized. The phrase "Guard 1 and Guard 2 come in, nervously, though you can't really tell, because they're guards of the president" reads very awkwardly, but I don't know how you would rephrase it without getting rid of the point. Towards the end, guard 1 says "worst" and the president says it in the next sentence. I'm not sure if you meant it purposefully as some kind of joke, or if it's simply a typo of "worse".

Chapter 4: The Highway Pt.2

in "Out of all the stupid and illegal things you done, this takes the cake." it probably should be "you've done" unless you wanted it to have a sort of dialect about it, in which case it is fine. In "I'm just piss off at the fact you are putting outlives in danger. " it should be "pissed off".

Overall

There are a few other formatting errors that may need fixing up before you're done, such as colons not appearing between some of the character's names and what they say and periods missing from the end of the italicized parts; but it is perfectly readable and understandable as it is. Fix the typos and your prose/formatting will be fine.

Images: 0 There are no images, currently. But of course this is just a preliminary review, so add them later if you want.
Miscellaneous: 6.5 I'd be lying if I said I averaged them. I just picked the number between 6 and 7.
Final Score: 26 I like the idea of the story and find it fairly funny. I hope you find time to finish it. (If the score seems low, remember that since their are no images yet you didn't get any image points.)
Reviewer: --Sirrah CatshirE Chess the Striker2117 04:30, September 23, 2010 (UTC)--
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