Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Iwillkillyou333/UnBooks: Book of Communism

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edit UnBooks: Book of Communism

Not finished yet, so expect this to be kinda short. Indepth and thanks--Grue JammyDirectorEye 4WILLExplode 3YOU 333Talk IF YOU DARE 02:51, January 23, 2010 (UTC) Grue JammyDirectorEye 4WILLExplode 3YOU 333Talk IF YOU DARE 02:51, January 23, 2010 (UTC)

link here--Grue JammyDirectorEye 4WILLExplode 3YOU 333Talk IF YOU DARE 02:52, January 23, 2010 (UTC)
I'm going to go ahead and review this. ~Scriptsiggy.JPGTelephonesig Star Starsig Kidneysig 17:29, Jan 30, 2010
Humour: 6 General comments

Personally, I'm one of those people who thinks that communism is good IN THEORY, in other words, I'm a wishy-washy, possibly gay, left wing socialist. When I read your article, I got the feeling that you don't know your subject very well. It's like trying to satirise Barack Obama and focusing solely on him being born in Kenya. I'm thinking one of the reasons you got stuck is because you can only say so much about one thing, which is that Communist regimes are incredibly cruel. You also forgot about North Korea, besides being the last bastion of true communism it is another article that deals with the same subject matter as yours.
Lead

  • You might want to be careful about the tone and prose. The narrator and his friend use an English that's very casual and Americanized, like they have been speaking English all their lives. That shouldn't be the case. You can also say that they have a good translator, but translated language shouldn't sound this natural and casual. Inappropriate prose can ruin a lot of jokes.
  • "...will shoot at anything..." is a bit too blunt for me. Maybe say something like "our friendly escort who has sworn to protect our beloved communism", or something to that effect.
  • "American chees(e)burgers" - one of your better jokes. You can also take this chance to insult America and other non-communist countries.

Intro

  • Again, could use more subtlety.
  • Sorry for being blunt but a lot of the "jokes" in this article can be summed up with one sentence, which is "Communism is great, NOT!" Coupled with the Americanized English, it sounds like the Book of Communism is written from the point of view of an American.

Chapter 1

  • A lot of exposition, and it sounded like you copied them off a history book and added a little bias. The jokes made seemed a little juvenile.

Chapter 2

  • From the direction that it's going in, it seems to be informing the reader rather than trying to make the reader laugh.
Concept: 5 What you're trying to do here seems to be the kind of article that praises a subject, but in such a way that it made the subject look bad, thereby satirising the subject. For this kind of article, you need a tone so over the top that it becomes clear to the reader that your narrator is wrong. In "Chapter 1", for instance, all that praise for communism sounds a bit biased, but they're not over the top and a supporter of communism would very likely say them in real life. The article that I referenced just now, North Korea, is an example of over-the-topness (it's a bit random and too long, though). The over-the-topness can also be source for comedy.
  • It seems that you are dealing more with "history", rather than "ideals" and "lifestyle", which I think could be funnier. When I start articles on MSWord, it's always the "Early Life" and "History" parts that I find most boring and the hardest to write. A contrast of the communist lifestyle with our own could be funny.
  • It also occurred to me that you never explained "what is communism".
  • Also, avoid the juvenile jokes, and focus on other actual aspects of Communism to satirize. Right now you only have violence. The most obvious way I can think of is: since you're writing a handbook of sorts, you can talk about what is Communism, how to be a good Communist and that sort of thing, while subtly highlighting the departure of communist ideals from real life.
Prose and formatting: 4 The tone is fairly consistent, but I'm not a fan of it. You seem to need to cleanup your spelling and grammar, though. Here are some errors that I spotted:

Lead

  • "Dmitri Mikihal" - Mikhail?
  • "will be accomp(a)n(y)ing us"
  • "chees(e)burgers"

Intro

  • Well, your('re) in luck
  • that Communist(s) have been known to massacre mony(many) people, and restrict many freedoms, and even (make people) pay to use the bathroom
  • That(')s right

Chapter 1

  • if it was(n)'t for him
  • put Communism into pra(c)tice,
  • With the Russian Revolution had ended the worthless previous gover(n)ment and Lenin and his Bolshevik Party become rulers of Russia and creating the Soviet Union. - I think I understand what you mean, sounds clearer like this: "When the Russian Revolution ended the worthless previous government, Lenin and his Bolshevik Party became rulers of Russia, creating the Soviet Union." or "With the Russian Revolution, he ended the worthless previous government. Thus, Lenin and his Bolshevik Party became rulers of Russia, creating the Soviet Union."
  • and (most) powerful nations
  • most evilesh (evilest?) man
  • killed Hilter(Hitler) himself - also spelled wrongly in the rest of the section
  • they could'nt (couldn't) kill
  • days of tyranny is finish(ed)
  • His wife Eva
  • You(')r(e) greater than me
  • Thank you, you thank you
  • took on(e) of the now decease(d)
  • won't be embarresed (embarrassed)
  • Amercia(America) and Britain
  • favroite (favorite)
  • don't wan't(want) to
  • Seriou(s)ly he's

Chapter 2

  • group consisiting (consisting) of
  • Teaching Children of Tomarrow (tomorrow)
Images: 4 Well, there are images. The images are kind of like "just there", and they're not that funny. I think I'll suggest some propaganda images with funny captions. A picture of your narrator, too, maybe.
Miscellaneous: 4.8 Averaged. My scoring is arbitrary.
Final Score: 23.8 If you want to discuss, want clarification, or anything, go to my talkpage. I think I didn't meet the deadline of 24 hours, so, sorry about that.
Reviewer: ~Scriptsiggy.JPGTelephonesig Star Starsig Kidneysig 12:27, Jan 31, 2010
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