Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Iwillkillyou333/Denise Milani
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Surprise there wasnt one before. Indepth please! Thanks! Also, there is seriously no articlke about here in wikipedia, so that template should remain If you're 555 then I'm Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 03:16, August 30, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||Hi I'm Black Flamingo and I'm a Denise Milani addict. It's been 10 days since I last had Denise Milani.
Ok IKWY333, this article has potential but there are a number of things really holding it back in my opinion. The humour, for example, is lacking direction. I have come up with a few tips as to how you can improve this. While you don't have to implement them all (or any of them for that matter) I hope they help you figure how you can get this piece into much better shape.
First off, just a little note about random humour. Your article doesn't suffer from it too much, but there are one or two examples that I would suggest you take another look at. References to David and Hasslehoff and the world "asploding" are probably the main two. Now, I'm guessing you chose to have Hasslehoff in it because of Baywatch and his association to large breasts through that show. But as it stands now it does seem pretty random. If you do keep any references to him, try to make it clear why he's involved, perhaps throw in a reference to Baywatch aswell. In my opinion however, the whole Hasslehoff part is a bit silly - why the hell would such an interview take place? And in what medium? Surely if people are going to be arguing about whether or not her breasts are augmented it would just be some nerds on a message board. As for the "asploding" joke, that's also a bit too random and silly. What makes it worse is that it's a really overused joke on here.
Moving on from that, your style of humour is a little... outright - it lacks subtlety. Throughout most of it, you just talk about a large breasted woman in a very literal and dry way, the problem is that the material itself isn't particularly funny, so this style doesn't work. Then when you do make jokes, you explain them in a way that is so literal that it renders them unfunny. For instance, you say they're a "gift made by God". Just telling people this isn't funny by itself, you have to imply it somehow, refer to it offhand, in a way that people won't see it coming. So let me give you an example of what I mean, try: "many believe that Milani's breasts have been designed by surgeons, and of course, they were - by the Great Surgeon in the Sky." This isn't hilarious I know, but I hope you can see how it would work better. You're not openly stating that God made her breasts, but the reader can figure that out by the allusion. At the same time you also get a joke out of it, because the language is a bit more unique and playful. This leads me to my next point.
So we've established that talking about things literally is difficult to make funny unless the subject matter itself is laughable. You really do spend too long just describing how beautiful she is, which in itself isn't funny. Don't go for the encyclopaedic tone here, instead try and come up with "funny ways" of saying it. The use of off-kilter and unusual language could enhance the fairly boring facts described here. So don't just say "words cannot describe" her beauty, try something like: "her beauty is like the colour of a five-dimensional smell: indescribable". This makes use of surreal and unexpected concepts (which hopefully are amusing) and also gets accros your point of her being indescribably beautiful. Or how about something like: "her beauty brings out the Leatherface in all of us; when we see her, all we want to do is adorn our walls and furniture with parts of her body". This too is shocking, although in a different way. Comedy is all about surprising the reader, after all. If they know where you're going, they're probably not going to find it very funny. So try to look at things from a weird perspective like this article does. Don't use too much romantic language like "her beauty is shrouded in mystery" - just be honest. Note how that article I link to above talks about something very mundane in a way we've probably never heard before. Don't fall into the trap of writing what everyone else thinks. Have a play with your prose and see what you can do.
Also, nothing says noob article like opening quotes, especially when there's more than one. Do you know what though? The ideas behind your quotes actually have potential. I often recommend that people try to rework them into the prose instead, and I think you would definitely benefit from this. The one about her smuggling cantalopes, for instance, could just be a reference to something that would often happen to poor Denise when she went shopping. Do you see what I mean? A quote by itself isn't really funny, unless it's a witty one-liner (which are rare), but a humorous and ironic event described in prose... now that can be funny.
|Concept:||5||Your main problem here is that you don't have an angle. You just sort of relay the facts, exagerrating a bit here and there. This isn't enough, I'm afraid. Biographical articles like this really need an angle, take a look at Chris Rock, Terry Gilliam or even Queen Elizabeth I and note how they all make a running gag out of some famous trait. So in Chris Rock's case, it's how he always talks about being Black, and Queen Elizabeth's is about her being a strong woman. To really pin this article down you need to do something similar. The obvious thing that springs to mind is something to do with her breasts. After all, it's the only notable thing about her really. I've written an article on a similar subject, so I can give you a few tips. I don't think it's possible to just write Denise Milani is amazing, or her boobs are amazing, and still be funny. It's basically a more feminine equivalent of Chuck Norris jokes, wouldn't you agree? What I did with my article was write it from the perspective of someone who feels sorry for her because all anyone cares about are her boobs. Now, obviously don't just copy me, but what I'm saying is, get an angle. Think of the article as one really long joke that unfolds slowly. Either a running gag or a unique narrator would work well, so have a think about what you could do to pull all of this together.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||Ok I'll be honest. Everything here is a bit messy. It's nothing to worry about, I can tell you probably haven't redrafted this much given that you're still though working on the article and haven't mainspaced it. Before you do move it out of userspace however I would thoroughly recommend you sort out these issues.
There are quite a few spelling errors, too many to list here. Read through it carefully or paste it into MS Word to run a spellcheck. As I'm sure you know, UN:PS are always happy to proofread stuff for you if you're not too good at spelling or grammar (although your grammar actually isn't too bad, it's mostly typpos).
Now your prose itself is very confused. Again, there are few specfic examples I can mention, because it's like this pretty much all the way through. The best thing I can recommend for sorting out messy prose is reading it to yourself aloud, then you can edit away until it sounds right to you. You've got to remember that language is foundation of a comedy article (most of the time, anyway). It's how you communicate your jokes, so take your time when writing, check over it carefully, because if it doesn't make sense no one will be find it funny, regardless of how good the ideas behind it are. There are many parts here where I just had no idea what you were saying, this, for instance: "Sometime in her life she and her family left the country, probaly due to the fact it was a Communist country during that time, of course many people state, "who the hell wouldn't?" She then immigrated Los. Her's were growing rapidly America, making Americans in the future very lucky (well, the guys mostly)." Can you see how broken, nonsensical and filled with typpos this is? Another good idea would be to pay close attention to our best articles and see how they're written. Remeber, always be clear and professional in your writing style.
I'm going to recreate your opening with correct grammar and easy to follow prose so you can see exactly what I mean by these things. Here's my version:
Denise Milani is a super sexy Czech Republican glamour model who is noted for her stunning looks and her large breasts. Despite the fact that she has never posed nude, her website is the most popular single model website on the planet, and possibly in entire universe.
Now compare that to your current opener. That's a lot of mistakes, and that's just the first few lines. I hope this helps you redraft the remaining parts on your own, but if you're really stuck let me know and I can either offer more advice or maybe even correct a few things myself if I have time.
Your formatting isn't too bad, but I would seriously recommend taking another look at the "interview" part. That part of the article is quite badly formatted. For one, you've put it all in centre quote marks, which is really only for when one person is talking. If you're going to keep this section, put the names first, embolden them so they're obviously separate from the dialogue and get rid of the quotation marks. It's always worth having a look at other, more serious wikis to see how they present their articles.
|Images:||1||You only really have one image, and it doesn't really tell any jokes so it's a low score I'm afraid. The main thing I can suggest here is that if you do develop an 'angle' as I say above, keep your images in line with this. Hopefully it will give you a lot more ideas if you do. Lots of pictures of Denise Milani would be ok (and would certainly attract attention) but just make sure your captions are funny. My advice in the Humour section is relevant to them too.|
|Miscellaneous:||4||Averaged. By the way, don't pay too much attention to the low score. Numbers can't really say anything about an article's quality. My advice is what's important here.|
|Final Score:||20||Well there you go. Like I said, this piece has potential and with a bit of hard work I can see it doing well. However, you really need to think of a way to set it apart from all the other articles on here that are just about how beautiful various women are or how tough various men are. Get yourself an angle, and take a look at the way you tell your jokes and you'll be on the road to writing a great article in no time. Feel free to leave me a message for follow ups to this and I'll be glad to help (weather permitting, of course)|
|Reviewer:||--Black Flamingo 09:51, September 4, 2010 (UTC)|