Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Hyperbole/Mind games (take two)

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edit User:Hyperbole/Mind games

Well, my first pee review on this article did yield an opinion, and that opinion was, apparently, that I should go fuck myself. Oh, and I did learn that "not anyone on the planet is male" - that came as a surprise.

So... any ideas on how to improve the article? --Hyperbole 15:33, 5 July 2008 (UTC)

User:Hyperbole/Mind games
is being reviewed by
Your Source for Fine Scented Pee
And Whatever Else Comes Out Of Him

Nobody on this planet is male.   Le Cejak <17:01, 05 Jul 2008>

Humour: 8 Comin' atcha from 104.1 KJEK. I see you have many articles on VFH, most of which probably won't make it for some reason that I'm not seeing. Maybe I'm not cut out to evaluate articles for VFH, but if it were up to me, I've seen worse articles featured than the ones you have up there. Oh well, they can be resubmitted. Also, this is a bad time for VFH anyway. The only ones getting featured are a month old. I'd say wait until all your articles are gone (featured or otherwise) before nomming.
  • intro -8- The angle which you have chosen is novel and funny.
  • Theories#There is a subterranean race of mole people who respond to personals ads in bizarre ways. -9- One problem: you switched from article style (only third-person) to letter style in "Theories" ("I'm thinking," "I believe that..."). Whatever. Anyway, yeah, laughed out loud (or "LOL" in internet language) at the letter there, and the thing about the... the mole people.
  • Theories#To women, everything is a mind game. -7- One other problem: "For example, this is another plausible e-mail exchange:" is repetetive (sp). Why not just say "Here is another plausible e-mail exchange:"? Good, but not amazing, so 7 will do. Oh, I see why you need ideas. Well, I'll talk about that in the concept section.
Concept: 9 Jealous of your idea. Okay, let's spitball.
  • When I saw the title, I was thinking maybe something like what Hannibal Lecter or some other crazy person would do (i.e., play mind games). Is there any way you could parody Silence of the Lambs in this? How would someone extremely clever play mind games? Hmmm... that's asking a lot.
  • I also thought of mind rape for some reason. Oh, that's not a page... err...
  • You need to do sample personals ads from multiple people. Hannibal Lecter, or, if you're doing email, Nigerian princes, ads for bigger penises, etc. You could do emails from any smart persona you could think of, too.
  • Why not go the road of craziness? Start with women, but then the narrator is having problems with women in his life ("Why won't women accept article narrators the way they were born? WHY IS SHE PLAYING MIND GAMES WITH ME?") and then his technology, other aspects of his life? It's an idea, which is what you asked for.
Prose and formatting: 6 looks good, but it's short, so this is how I will deduct points.
Images: 7 I suggest using that image of the confused woman over and over again for each section. That would work pretty well comedically. Repetition, my boy: repetition.
Miscellaneous: 7.5 kjasdf;knmvuvb7t73
Final Score: 37.5 Obviously, even though it's short, it looks fab-u-louuuusss! But not in a gay way. Be proud: for I have not reviewed anything in, like, three weeks.
Reviewer:   Le Cejak <17:29, 05 Jul 2008>
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