Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Hyperbole/Bench press

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edit User:Hyperbole/Bench press

No pics yet. I can't tell if this is funny or just disturbing. Thoughts? Tinymasaru.gifpillow talk 17:02, 28 April 2009 (UTC)

Twittergraffiti Orian57 is currently reviewing your article.

Conversely he is also whoreing: UnTweets:Mr McElroyLand!




Humour: 7 This was ok, it made me chuckle in places but it was kinda meh otherwise.

In order to fix this I think you need to expand some of the ideas. For example: you had the header “history of the bench press” and then just let the character talk about his way of doing it as if that was the only way of doing it. I think if you applied this to other areas of bench pressing, and made it a little bit more obvious that he thinks the world revolves around him and his bench pressing, you could really have something.

I also like how you had him be condescending towards the “you” character, if you did that more too and just made it more of a thing it would be good. Like with the above you had the idea but it only made one appearance. Maybe have a bit more of the homoeroticism towards the start too, or instead have him sexualise the bench press (I’m assuming it’s a thing), as that gives a slightly more original turn on it. Basically you need to expand the ideas.

Also a few more lines and interesting turns of phrase like “I'm gonna conquer this bar. I'm gonna make this bar my bitch.” would make this a lot better and make it sound a bit fresher.

Concept: 7 Again it was ok. To be honest there didn’t really seem to be anything in it that was original (dunno if you play GTA4 or not but there’s a very similar character in that), which was kinda disappointing but I’ve mentioned a possible way of possibly fixing it.
Prose and formatting: 7 Links and pictures both relate to formatting so your score is a little held back here. However the main prose seems fine, the character came across well enough and I didn’t notice any spelling or grammar errors (though if that’s a concern go bug UU (or somebody who can actually spell) about it).
Images: 0 NOPICS.

I can’t actually think of any pics that would be exceptionally funny here but you do need some. Shouldn’t be too hard to find pictures of those these body builder types (after all, they’re desperate for people to look and approve) just Google some up and add a vaguely relevant caption.

Miscellaneous: 5.25 Averaged
Final Score: 26.25 As always if you’d like to thank/ask/insult me about anything please visit my talk page.
Reviewer: ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 16:33 11 May 2009
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