Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Heck no techno/Heck No Techno's Canadian Hit Parade
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02:45, 10 May 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||8||Frenetic, a little like a whole article with ADHD, but quite funny in spots.|
|Concept:||6||Well, it's a concept...a small list of Canadian cultural phenomenon, essentially. Odd concept. Not sure about it...it feels funny, like when you put ice cubes between your toes and walk on hot coals.|
|Prose and formatting:||8||Quite well-written. I see I don't get to pull out any of my cliché rants on English grammar for this one...|
|Images:||8||Good funny pictures.|
|Miscellaneous:||8||This is a weird piece. I quite like it.|
|Reviewer:||----OEJ 00:34, 22 May 2008 (UTC)|
OK, Heck no, this article has a tough beginning. At least it did for me. Anything out of the ordinary baffles me and hurts my synapse. If only, if only I had more than one...
I might recommend a little lead-in to the dialog section. Canadian Celebrities Speak Out On Being Canadian might be a better section title than Canadian Celebrity Convention, because it sort of preps the reader for what follows. Or there might be a transitional sentence in the prologue, something on the order of "In the next section we will hear from several Canadian philosopher-artists on the beauty, bravery, and blubber of Canada and Canadians." Or something. You write it. I am too drunk.
Now, you have a good tight set of recipes and passtimes. You can stop there, it's OK not to include favourite dances and traditional regional styles of flatulence. Or whatever. But you need to close out the article somehow. Right now it feels to me as if the article cuts off right in the middle of a theme, like if Beethoven played to the middle of Für Elise and then the piano lid slammed closed and severed his fingers before he could finish.
I would put the pictures of The Canada Girlz and will.i.am on the right side of the page. I've noticed this is a big problem with interview-style dialog; the pictures interrupt the formatting. It's a real problem. There are a couple of ways to format the dialog thing. Here's the way Garionepsilon did the dialog in The Tempest:
- Oh Father, do not force me to waste the springtime of my youth amongst sand fleas and coconuts.
- Sweet my daughter, shut your gob. Dost thou see yon dark-browed storm upon the ocean's face?
- Just now I have conjured it; the storm of my wrath shall sink a ship
- filled with Alonsos and Eye-tie plumbers. And my visionary eye
- reveals my brother also upon yon boat. That bastard owes me fifty florins.
- Yet I do not recall the name of this brother of mine,
- only that his name not be of Alonso.
- Miranda (amazed):
- Thou hast conjured yon dark-browed storm upon the ocean's face?
- Yes, that's what I just said. Either that or it's a consequence of global warming.
Here's how I did it in UnScripts:Fishing with Jim:
- Narrator: The fishermen take a large riverboat up the Río Negro to the Río Apuaú. Both fishermen are covered with sores and boners.
- Jim: You sleep OK, Tom?
- Tom: Well, there was this dog outside. And it kept howling.
- Jim: In the street?
- Tom: And I looked out the window. And this dog only had two legs, and it was walking around on its back legs.
- Jim: No.
- Tom: Because those were the only legs it had, Jim.
- Jim: I had a bear that lived in my basement.
- Tom: And this dog. It was howling. Because it couldn't find its front legs.
- Jim: You didn't sleep very good, huh?
- Tom: I slept OK.
- Narrator: Every fisherman has a story. Often more than one, and sometimes as many as fifteen hundred.
Basically, script-style dialog seems to read best if the names are set off with bold type. And if it's aligned to the left, which means that the pictures have to end up on the right. Also, I would counsel you to put captions under the portraits. Yes, we can figure out who's who, but why waste the chance to write Sarah Chalke: "You're looking at my cleavage, aren't you?" and will.i.am: "Why ain't you lookin' at my cleavage, dawg?" under the appropriate pictures?
In sum, this is a quirky, indie piece. One of your major concerns therefore is to make easily intelligible without losing the quirky indie feel. Or the beaver nuggets.
Good luck. You have a lot of talent, and it shows. ----OEJ 01:06, 22 May 2008 (UTC)