Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Guildensternenstein/UnNews:Madden 12 to feature new Lockout Mode (revised)
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After a helpful review from Oliphaunte and a series of revisions, I think this warrants another look. Again, because timliness really isn't an issue and I very much like this idea, I'm content to work on and polish this piece until it's feature-worthy. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 05:38, March 23, 2011 (UTC)
- At least 24 hours from now, this should be done. (talk) 05:31, March 31, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||9||Wow, I haven't done one of these for like, a week. Anyway, on to the good stuff.
I really like this article, just like almost everything else you've written. Most of the humor, like most UnNews, is derived from the concept. However, I'll address stuff I thought was good and at least one thing I think you should add. There are a lot of jokes that you make in this article that really work well. The ones that I want to highlight are the "major gameplay change," "legalese and signature stick," "gavel physics," "paper-shuffling animations," and "other jobs" jokes. Those are the ones that I think work really well. Unfortunately, I think the joke you end with "at least there will be fewer commercials" is your weakest one. It took me a little while to understand exactly if the quote was about the game or about actual football. I'm still not 100% sure as the first part of the quote seems to be about the game and the second about actual football. To make it a best of both worlds kind of thing you could change it to something like "it'll be like listening in on the huddle, if it lasted months and months." Not a spectacular line, I know, but I'm sure you could come up with something much better that's related.
One thing I wanted to see in this article was more talking about how the normal Madden features will be incorporated into the new gameplay. For example, you could say that the announcers will comment on how well an injunction went and stuff like that. Right now you say a lot about the gameplay, but nothing about the little things in the game. A huge change in gameplay like this warrants a huge amount of text on the new stuff, but you could at least say something about it. In addition, I think it would be funny if you include something about what would happen in Superstar mode. For example, you could hit X or A to think about reading about the case or hit triangle or Y to go get a beer instead. Alternatively you could have the players be in the courtroom and hit buttons to shuffle awkwardly in their seats or quietly cough once.
|Concept:||9||I also really like the concept for this article. Putting a new feature into a football game that is related to the whole "lockout" thing that's going on right now is a great idea. I'm not sure if I can think of anything wrong with the concept, but I'll try. I like the idea of playing as a team of lawyers and being able to choose your side based on how hard you want the game to be. The only thing that I can really think of changing is making it clearer whether the courtroom part of the game is the entire game, or whether it is just a mode of the game. If it is part of the game you could say something about how it will affect the actual football part of the game. If it is the entire game then are there different "games" that you get separate scores for? If so, what are these different games and what is the scoring system (if there is a scoring system, for a courtroom it could be just win/lose.) Other than those minor quibbles I think the concept of this article is excellent.|
|Prose and formatting:||8||Although good, there are a couple things that I felt not right about with the prose. Right now the style doesn't make it clear whether this is a report on an announcement made about the new gameplay or if it is a report on Madden 12 itself. I think it works better as a report on Madden 12 with a heavy emphasis on the new game mode. I already mentioned some potential "fixes" for this in the concept section. This isn't a major problem, but it is something that could be clarified. There aren't many grammar or spelling fixes that I can see. In the last sentence part of the quote reads "At very least," which is most likely just missing a "the," very easy fix if you aren't going to rewrite it. I also think you could use more links, also an easy fix.
The format is perfect for an UnNews. I usually tell people to have the quotes in italics, but as you have the game titles in italics already so having the quotes normal works great.
|Images:||8||I like the picture that you have here. Not really much you could improve about the picture itself except maybe make it bigger. Making it bigger would make it fit the article better (at least on my screen,) but it would also make the size of the caption match the size of the picture. Right now the caption makes the picture about an extra 1/3 taller which makes it look slightly awkward. In addition you could cut down on the caption a bit, although that's up to you. The joke in the caption works really well, keep it.|
|Miscellaneous:||9||Overall "feel" of the article.|
|Final Score:||43||You have a good UnNews article here that could use a few minor tweaks. I look forward to seeing this on VFH.|