Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Gamma287/Grand Theft Auto: Cartoon City

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edit User:Gamma287/Grand Theft Auto: Cartoon City

This article is based and improved upon from HelloByeBye's article and is very long and difficult to read. Enjoy! --Gamma287 Tro-lo-no 069f11-1 MUN Icons-flag-us ☭Tetяis? 01:03, February 27, 2011 (UTC)

Apparently, userspace can't be reviewed. Boy, now that's helpful. --Gamma287 Tro-lo-no 069f11-1 MUN Icons-flag-us ☭Tetяis? 01:06, February 27, 2011 (UTC)
It's just stupid. I don't even try to understand how it works... just override the thing with a direct link if need be. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 01:32, 27 February 2011
The article, or the wikia processing and formatting bugs? --Gamma287 Tro-lo-no 069f11-1 MUN Icons-flag-us ☭Tetяis? 01:34, February 27, 2011 (UTC)
The latter. Problem with coding things to be automatic... it just doesn't always work. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 01:52, 27 February 2011
Don't we all hate that... --Gamma287 Tro-lo-no 069f11-1 MUN Icons-flag-us ☭Tetяis? 01:54, February 27, 2011 (UTC)
I'll take this if no one objects. Jackofspades (talk) 04:21, March 2, 2011 (UTC)
Be it known, it's been over two years since I last worked on most of this (a few sections are new, but I was a twelve year old invading the internet when I wrote this). --Gamma287 Tro-lo-no 069f11-1 MUN Icons-flag-us ☭Tetяis? 23:00, March 2, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 2 Ho boy.

First thing I would recommend is reading HTBFANJS and the Beginner's Guide again (or for the first time, if you haven't) because a lot of what I'm going to say in this review can be found there. Next, I'm going to do is a pseudo-section-by-section review of humor. The first few sections I'll do individually, but then I'll review the lists as a whole instead.

Plot

Random random random random random random random random. Randomness isn't a substitute for humor, especially on this site. We have a lot of articles that are just celebrity names with random adjectives, adverbs, and verbs thrown in there. This section seems to be random with a purpose though so it isn't quite as bad as most of the other ones. You still need to get this section together and figure out what kind an article this is going to be. Explaining things in more detail than just "This person did this to this person which caused another person to do something" can be a giant leap forward. Learning to express ideas in more drawn out (but not too drawn out) ways is always a good thing to learn, not just on this site, but in real life as well (who would've thought.) Changing a lot of the "jokes" to be less radical (i.e. not "Neo-Nazi") and more realistic, for a cartoon, means more funny, most of the time. This is one of those times.

Characters

This section isn't nearly as random, but it isn't any more funny. The idea of this section is more along the lines of how the article should be, though. Making cartoon characters into real-world equivalents isn't exactly rocket science and you have a pretty good start here. Take out some of the more random things and most of the gruesome deaths (anything more than gunned down in a dispute over [whatever] is probably too excessive, but one torture related death wouldn't be totally out of the question.) Some of these characters aren't cartoons, and I would change those to cartoon characters as soon as possible.

Gameplay

Much better in terms of realism, not very funny. This seemed like it could have been sporked from somewhere. It's too realistic for such a random article as everything that you say in this section could easily apply to an actual game. I don't like saying this, but add in more jokes, this could be a good couple sections if you added some jokes in. Maybe say something about how the Wii had to use a 64-bit version of the game. I don't know, but do something other than be random like in the "plot" section.

DLC

This article improves once again. This section has a good joke in it (I actually chuckled a bit at the $50,000 part. Making it real world money would be even better.) However, this could do with some expansion regarding future DLC and how it promises to keep paying people to play their (terrible) game.

Controversies

This section could be so much better than it is simply due to the vast amount of stigma GTA already gets. Imagine how much more it would get if it included a huge cast of kid-friendly characters. The thing about the rating is pretty funny and the court proceeding that you already have is decent, but this section should be the first target for expansion and could be an amazing parody on violent video games and how they take the blame for every little thing that goes wrong regarding teenagers. You could also point out that video games do actually market themselves to kids even if they don't do it directly. There are a lot of ways you can go in this section and all of them have great potential.

Lists

Lists aren't funny. They just aren't. They can have funny moments, but overall they don't leave anyone feeling like "that article was hilarious." I think the best list I've ever seen has been 5 points long with one joke and the other four setting up the joke. Even then, I don't remember what it was whereas I will remember AAAAAAAAA! and Jenny until the day I die.

The only way to make these even a little bit funny you would need to fill out the lists with more content. What I mean is writing each point of the list out as if it were a sub-section of the main section. I'll give an example of this later, but for now just remember that lists aren't funny unless you're ChiefjusticeDS.

Concept: 4 I really like this concept. However, I also really liked it when it was done a number of times before this, so you lose a few points for not being 100% original. The majority of why I'm taking off points, though, is how the concept was executed. The only part that really fits what the article seems to be on (that isn't a list) is the "plot" section and that section is really poorly done as it just spews information at the reader. There are countless other ways that this can be done. The one that I was expecting was a narration of the story of GTA, but with cartoon characters playing the parts that you would expect. This was delivered in the "plot" section, but, as I said before, the information is much too compact with nothing being explained to the reader even if it's the first time we've heard about these characters in the article. To make this section much more workable I think you should divide it into sub-sections with each one being a different section of the city that you would play through. For example, you could have a section devoted to Spongebob's gang's section of the city where Duncan meets people from Bikini Bottom and accepts missions from them and stuff like that. The rest of the article either has a specific definition of what it is (i.e. characters) or is just a list, which should be filled out or should just be straight deleted (As will be discussed later.)

A priority for you should be making this article different from other takes on cartoon/video game characters going down the "bad" route. Right now you have that, but not exactly in a good way.

Prose and formatting: 3 I'm going to do formatting first. Starting from the top.

A good portion of your article is the table of contents. If it doesn't mess up the formatting of the rest of the article I think you should slap a __NOTOC__ on the top to get rid of your table of contents. It's something I do on random articles that don't really need the TOC since it's taking up so much space.

Secondly. There are a lot of censored parts in your article that don't add anything to the actual content and aren't funny. A lot of them seem to be optional text that you pretty much force the reader to pay more attention to simply because it is censored. Even worse you have, what I'm assuming are, actual spoilers in one section which are censored, but since you've censored out random content the reader won't know what actually should be censored and will just read everything (or, more likely, nothing.) I would say to just take all the censored portions out, even the text not just the tags. However, if you really want to keep them in then use them much more sparingly and make sure the text underneath is worth reading.

Next, lists lists lists lists lists lists lists lists lists lists lists lists lists lists lists lists lists lists lists lists lists. I know you probably didn't write all these lists yourself, but the error you did commit was leaving them in. As a rule, lists aren't funny. More lists are even less funny. The only way I can see you squirming out of the listy article thing is 1) By taking them out (obviously) or 2) Filling them out so they read more like sub-sections of the video game. For example, in the list of songs featured on each radio station the text under the stations could read "K-DST is known in Cartoon City for being stuck in the past. The AWESOME past. They mainly play songs from rock bands including AC-DC, Black Sabbath, The Stones, and, uh, Ted Nugent." That wasn't a very good example, but it is most certainly better than a list. I wouldn't recommend doing that for the Cars section or the Guns section unless you trimmed them down significantly. I don't know if anyone could fill out those lists and still remain sane.

Good things. Headers, descriptive. We get what we were promised in each section. Pictures are pretty well spaced everywhere but the "Plot" section where you could lose one or two of them. If you keep it this length more pictures will be necessary. If not, then this number should be about right. Infobox at the top is pretty good and you're consistent with what's in it in your article. Lastly, you might want to ask ZB or Socky or someone who knows how to code really well why the tabs are the top are small on this article. Then again it doesn't matter all that much.

Ok that was just format. On to prose.

The only parts with writing to speak of are the parts that don't have lists. Which means only the first couple sections. The first one is alright although I think you mean continuity not continually. Actually why is that link there? It seems unnecessary as you can edit out any inconsistencies that other users might put in your article. The "Plot" section is just poorly written all around and could be cleaned up a lot by just following the policies I linked in humor. One thing that would drastically improve this section is writing it as if the entire story were divided into sections. For example, "Our story begins with Duncan, just an ordinary cartoon looking to make a life for himself getting run over by steamrollers and having anvils dropped on him, was filming his current project Total Drama Island when he received a call from a hospital in Cartoon City. Is this Duncan? the caller asked. Yeah, what's up? Duncan asked, completely unaware of what he was about to find out. Duncan, you are the boyfriend of one Miss Courtney. I'm afraid that I must inform you she was murdered late last night. Duncan froze for a moment, not sure what to feel. What? He asked..." and blah, blah, blah. You probably want it to be more cartoony than that, but you get the idea (I hope, I'm terrible at explaining things.) Another helpful thing would be to explain where each character is from, even if it's just in the game. For example, saying which "gang" each character is in would be immensely helpful for figuring out which characters are aligned with who, right now it just seems like a jumble of celebrities. In the section on the characters I can't tell exactly what is going on with the categorization. Almost all of the characters have a status after their name, which is self explanatory, and a scene. I have no idea what part of the game that scene is from and you haven't mentioned any of the scenes before (which could be good for inspiration if you rewrite the "plot" section as each scene could be a sub-section.) You could also say something about what each character does during the game instead of just telling how they died (which is the majority of what this section is right now.) The Gameplay, DLC, and Controversies sections are all well written and just need a little bit of fine-tuning which could be remedied by reading the policies. The radio stations section is decent, but, much like the rest of the lists, should be more cartoony. This is cartoon city after all. Lists Lists Lists Lists Lists Lists Lists Lists Lists Lists Lists Lists Lists Lists Lists Lists and done.

Images: 3 I'm going to do there one at a time. To make it a little easier on me.

Cover

The cover is really cluttered and really small. The image is rather poorly done. If you care enough to wait I'm sure you can get a really well done cover on RadicalX's corner from a professional amateur photochopper. If you aren't going to get a much better pic for the cover you can definitely do without it.

Double D

Since this is just from the cover it's either going to be redundant or equally poorly done as the cover was. Same advice from the first pic. Get a better one or delete it.

Spongebob gangster

This is a pretty good image that is way too small especially in an article this big. The caption also isn't very good, but it will do for now. You could consider changing it to a quote like "I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse" type thing but Spongebob-y. Overall, get a bigger one, and change the caption.

Shoop-da-guy

This image doesn't really tie in to the article and the caption just doesn't make sense. If it's a tie-in to one of the characters then you should make that more obvious. If the before&after thing is actually relevant then make that more obvious too, but right now it just looks like a random pic that you threw in to get an obligatory meme-reference in.

Perry in court

Pretty good pic, but it could be better and bigger. It ties in to the section so that's good, but right now it's too small to see exactly what it is and Perry isn't referenced anywhere but this section. Make it more obvious who he is, make the picture bigger, or get a better one. You should also change the caption to an actual joke rather than just restating what's in the picture.

Radio station symbol

The image is relevant to the article, but it isn't funny. It's just a graphic for a radio station as it is right now with a caption telling you what you already know. This could easily be replaced by something much better. You could even just leave this blank as right now it's just a list and lists can't really be made better without rewriting them.

Yellow submarine

It's ok. If you're going to keep the part about cars then you should probably keep this pic and make it bigger. Changing the caption would be preferable as well.

Pine Scent

I find this image pretty funny. The caption is ok, could be scaled down a bit and made not all caps. If you don't keep this it would be a shame, but you might not be able to find a place for it if you cut the guns section. Oh and make it bigger.

Fred

This picture is funny in context to the part where he is mentioned. If you keep the section keep the pic, if you don't then don't unless you find another place for it.

Overview

Mainly my advice boils down to: if it's relevant and good then keep it. If it's bad, make it better and if it's not relevant, get rid of it. Many of the pictures could be made bigger as right now they are almost too small to see. Also keep in mind that good pictures can make or break an article so getting really good ones should be a priority. Considering this is an article on cartoons a quick google search should get you a good picture.

Miscellaneous: 4 Overall "feel" of the article.
Final Score: 16
Reviewer: Jackofspades (talk)
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