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Can you create a link to the actual article?Nevermind. Also, I'm not claiming this, sorry, way too busy today. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 23:32, March 12, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||Ok so it's a page about a notorious IRC troll. I am such an expert on those. Seriously though, I may be way off with some of the things I say here, but I've tried as best I can to research this. Anyway, let's go.
The intro seems to be squashed to the right for some reason - put it in the normal place please, I barely even noticed it there. You may also want to reword some of it, as making bland insults like "Epic Faggot" are simply not funny. An intro should really just introduce your subject, and the kind of humour you're going to be using. It might be worth being a bit straighter with it. You can stil make jokes, just don't go for the easy gay jokes and pointless swearing. Remember, you are not OSTDSuperSpartan, you're just writing about him.
Early life and education
Obsession with "Haz Admin"
Then we get to a list. Lists don't really get to grips with jokes, and tend to skirt over them instead, so I wouldn't recommend using them. Now there are actually some funny ideas in here, but the rushed way you present them ruins the joke. It would flow much better if you could just write about the things the guy has said in the form of prose. For instance, something like this; "ODSTSuperSpartan made his first request to be made an admin with the justification that he has "tested Halo 3 and Halo Reach Beta". Exactly why this qualifies him for moderating an online chatroom was never stated by him, and can only be speculated by other users. When quizzed, ODSTSuperSpartan simply replied 'i wanna rip u asshole open w/ my huge bullet shooting dick!'". While that isn't a hilarious line, I hope you can see why taking some time to write a large section of text is more worthwhile than just hastily throwing together some bullet points. It shows you've put effort in, and will help to immerse your reader into the humour, ultimately making them laugh more.
A conversation with ODSTSuperSpartan
IRC trolling career
The rest of the article is essentially a load of conversations and quotes. While they're funny, I think I've made my point that these jokes would benefit from some fleshing out; talk about them in the prose if you can. I won't begrudge you a few copy-and-pasted conversations, but see if there's anything else you can do. Another problem with a lot of these is that you repeat yourself a bit too much. Try to only use the lines once, if you can (there are so many so you shouldn't have a problem with this).
|Concept:||5||The biggest issue here is that it gets a bit silly, as I've already mentioned above. I would much prefer to see this become a story about his exploits, in the same way a Wikipedia article would present the life of a military leader or something, just going chronologically through his campaigns. Strip it of the more random parts, the things you've invented. It's a bit of a desperate attempt to be funny in my view, but there's no need; what really happened seems funny enough, you just need to put a bit more effort into how you present it. Remember; use intelligent, flowing prose instead of lists and quotes, and don't exaggerate the truth to the point of unbelievability. Check out some of our featured pieces if you haven't already, and you'll probably notice they all do the same (generally speaking, of course).|
|Prose and formatting:||5||You sort of jump intermittently between writing in third person ("ODSTSuperSpartan attempted many times to gain administration on Halo Fanon and Uncyclopedia") and first person ("our hopes were dashed"). You should be more consistent here, otherwise it looks sloppy and noncommittal. You should probably have more of a think about your tone here, and what you want to achieve. At times you're encyclopaedic, but at other times you descend into crudeness and slang. You can't really do both, you'll have to settle on one style if you want the article to be taken seriously. In my opinion, and straight, neutral tone would work best, because the juxtaposition of that tone with the unsophisticated speech patterns of ODSTSuperSpartan would be really funny.
There are also a couple of issues with grammar and such. Like this in the Rumoured suicide section - "ODSTSuperSpartan had commited [sic] suicide as he cannot become an admin". Do you see how that's messy? It's a mix of present and past tenses. You'd be better off just saying something like "because he failed in his attempt to become an admin". That would be much simpler. Simplicity is important in writing; just try to say things as normal people would say them. Reading it out loud can always help sort out things like this. Then in Obsession with "Haz Admin"there is a very big messy sentence - "a kindhearted gesture by a well-meaning user yielded that ODSTSuperSpartan would Op abuse if given such privileges - and thus lost any remaining chance he had of achieving his goal". I have a few points here:
|Images:||4||The opening image isn't bad, but would probably be better if you just had the pic without the infobox, none of the info in there is particularly funny and most of it is just speculation. You could probably just caption the image "artist's impression of Super Spartan", or something. I'm generally not a fan of such images, but for a subject like this I'm not sure what would be more appropriate.
The only other image (except the Rock one which I've already mentioned) is the one of the two ginger Russian guys - again everything you're saying there is just speculation, so if you are going to use it, just say something like "one user suggested that SuperSpartan look might look like this. Also pictured his twin lover, who may or may not exist". You basically need a lot more images, although given you're writing about a guy you've never seen, I'm not too sure what to suggest. Screenshots of conversatios, perhaps?
|Final Score:||25.5||So overall a piece with a lot of potential that really just needs a bit more work. I would definitely recommend the realistic, encyclopaedic approach to this; I think it will get a lot more humour out of your subject matter. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, please let me know on my talk page and I'll try to help. I hope the review is ok.|
|Reviewer:||--Black Flamingo 14:11, March 13, 2011 (UTC)|