Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:GEORGIEGIBBONS/ODSTSuperSpartan

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edit User:GEORGIEGIBBONS/ODSTSuperSpartan

GG (t)(c)(b) 23:13, March 12, 2011 (UTC)

Can you create a link to the actual article? Nevermind. Also, I'm not claiming this, sorry, way too busy today. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 23:32, March 12, 2011 (UTC)
I'll give it a go. --Black Flamingo 11:49, March 13, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 6 Ok so it's a page about a notorious IRC troll. I am such an expert on those. Seriously though, I may be way off with some of the things I say here, but I've tried as best I can to research this. Anyway, let's go.

Intro
I would lose the Whoops! thing if I were you as these are very rarely funny, especially ones like this where they just suggest something tenuously related to the subject matter. Why would anyone have been looking for Vladimir Putin? Just because they're both Russian? It's not enough to be funny I'm afraid. It's cheap, easy joke and doesn't make sense upon close examination.

The intro seems to be squashed to the right for some reason - put it in the normal place please, I barely even noticed it there. You may also want to reword some of it, as making bland insults like "Epic Faggot" are simply not funny. An intro should really just introduce your subject, and the kind of humour you're going to be using. It might be worth being a bit straighter with it. You can stil make jokes, just don't go for the easy gay jokes and pointless swearing. Remember, you are not OSTDSuperSpartan, you're just writing about him.

Early life and education
This section is ok. The whole "mysterious origins" thing is a bit overdone on this site, but I suppose it might be worth saying for someone like this, where it is actually true. Be wary of it though, perhaps state the reason no one knows anything about him (ie. because he's only achieved "notoriety" on the internet and tends to lie a lot). I would also be wary of putting your punchlines in brackets as you do with the joke about him being too young to attend Moscow State. It tends to ruin the flow and makes it look really obvious that there's a punchline coming. You'd probably be better just removing them, humour is about surprise after all.

Recent years
Then, this section gets a bit random. He was "deported from Russia for PINGAS inspection", eh? What does that mean? I looked up PINGAS and all I could find was that "pinga" is a Spanish word for penis, which would justify your linking it to penis. However, I'm still not sure what PINGAS inspection is, nor why he would be deported for it. Also, you're contradicting yourself here - you said earlier his life is largely unknown to researchers, but now you're providing quite detailed information on the things he's done off-site. I think I prefer the mysterious origins, mainly because as an IRC troll no one would know anything about him, besides what they've pieced together from conversations with him. Things like "rated the worst Russian on the internet" don't really make sense either. It all sounds a bit unrealistic; who would put together such a survey? I'm sure there are worse Russians on the internet too; like paedophiles and that kind of thing. Overall the whole section is a bit silly and makes too much stuff up. The thing is, if the article's about an IRC troll, stick to that. Write about his online exploits, don't try to make up silly, insulting facts about his life. Making random things up is rarely funny, because ultimately it could be about anyone. You have to find something funny about the real person (which, of course, you already do in places).

Rumoured suicide
A bit more silliness here. When you say it was actually Yoda who committed suicide, do you mean the guy from Star Wars or is this another user? If you mean Yoda, as in the Yoda, then that's way too random. How could Yoda commit suicide, he's not even real? And for that matter, what the hell does he have to do with anything here? Are you just dropping random names into an article? This isn't funny, again because it could be anyone. You could say Harry Potter or Pablo Picasso committed suicide, and it wouldn't be any more or less funny. If indeed it is another user, you'll have to explain this so people who don't really use IRC know what you're talking about.

Obsession with "Haz Admin"
Again, we open another random quote. It seems someone is trying to fire some kind of cruise missile at him. Why, realistically, would anyone do this? I realise this is probably inspired by Halo, but it's still unrealistic and silly to use missiles against "bad spelling and grammar".

Then we get to a list. Lists don't really get to grips with jokes, and tend to skirt over them instead, so I wouldn't recommend using them. Now there are actually some funny ideas in here, but the rushed way you present them ruins the joke. It would flow much better if you could just write about the things the guy has said in the form of prose. For instance, something like this; "ODSTSuperSpartan made his first request to be made an admin with the justification that he has "tested Halo 3 and Halo Reach Beta". Exactly why this qualifies him for moderating an online chatroom was never stated by him, and can only be speculated by other users. When quizzed, ODSTSuperSpartan simply replied 'i wanna rip u asshole open w/ my huge bullet shooting dick!'". While that isn't a hilarious line, I hope you can see why taking some time to write a large section of text is more worthwhile than just hastily throwing together some bullet points. It shows you've put effort in, and will help to immerse your reader into the humour, ultimately making them laugh more.

A conversation with ODSTSuperSpartan
This is not a successful section in my view. While the conversation itself is funny, I stand by what I said before; you should be discussing things like this in prose, or at the very least pasting the IRC conversations into the article as you do later. The problem with the big image is that again it's a bit random. Why is he The Rock? Obviously I realise you didn't make this image, and took it from another wiki, but it just seems so out of place (plus it makes the article look really scruffy because it's so tall and slim and causes a lot of white space). Then at the end there's a Kanye West joke, a gag got old ages ago I'm afraid.

IRC trolling career
We have another quote here. I did make me chuckle, although to be honest I'm not sure why. I'm not too sure what it even means. What is "RAEGQUIT!!1" - something ODSTSuperSpartan said? You might want to refer to that if it is. Not everyone is going to immediately get things like this. Although again, all of this would be better in the form of prose rather than a quote. From then on, the rest of this section is more like what you should be doing with the article; a biographical exploration of what ODSTSuperSpartan did. It still gets a bit too silly towards the end though, when you start talking about used condoms and the like. Let's stay within the realms of reality shall we? (re)Read HTBFANJS, that should give you more tips on this, but generally I would like to see you just talking about what actually happened. It's funny enough as it is, you don't need to invent anything (maybe embellish, as long as it's tasteful).

The rest of the article is essentially a load of conversations and quotes. While they're funny, I think I've made my point that these jokes would benefit from some fleshing out; talk about them in the prose if you can. I won't begrudge you a few copy-and-pasted conversations, but see if there's anything else you can do. Another problem with a lot of these is that you repeat yourself a bit too much. Try to only use the lines once, if you can (there are so many so you shouldn't have a problem with this).

Concept: 5 The biggest issue here is that it gets a bit silly, as I've already mentioned above. I would much prefer to see this become a story about his exploits, in the same way a Wikipedia article would present the life of a military leader or something, just going chronologically through his campaigns. Strip it of the more random parts, the things you've invented. It's a bit of a desperate attempt to be funny in my view, but there's no need; what really happened seems funny enough, you just need to put a bit more effort into how you present it. Remember; use intelligent, flowing prose instead of lists and quotes, and don't exaggerate the truth to the point of unbelievability. Check out some of our featured pieces if you haven't already, and you'll probably notice they all do the same (generally speaking, of course).
Prose and formatting: 5 You sort of jump intermittently between writing in third person ("ODSTSuperSpartan attempted many times to gain administration on Halo Fanon and Uncyclopedia") and first person ("our hopes were dashed"). You should be more consistent here, otherwise it looks sloppy and noncommittal. You should probably have more of a think about your tone here, and what you want to achieve. At times you're encyclopaedic, but at other times you descend into crudeness and slang. You can't really do both, you'll have to settle on one style if you want the article to be taken seriously. In my opinion, and straight, neutral tone would work best, because the juxtaposition of that tone with the unsophisticated speech patterns of ODSTSuperSpartan would be really funny.

There are also a couple of issues with grammar and such. Like this in the Rumoured suicide section - "ODSTSuperSpartan had commited [sic] suicide as he cannot become an admin". Do you see how that's messy? It's a mix of present and past tenses. You'd be better off just saying something like "because he failed in his attempt to become an admin". That would be much simpler. Simplicity is important in writing; just try to say things as normal people would say them. Reading it out loud can always help sort out things like this. Then in Obsession with "Haz Admin"there is a very big messy sentence - "a kindhearted gesture by a well-meaning user yielded that ODSTSuperSpartan would Op abuse if given such privileges - and thus lost any remaining chance he had of achieving his goal". I have a few points here:

  • First of all, you're saying that a gesture did something, when obviously you mean the well-meaning user did something. You just need to rearrange things, or maybe even drop the reference to the gesture.
  • What do you mean by "yielded"? It seems you're using it to mean "decreed", but I don't understand its bearing on the rest of the sentence.
  • Thirdly you say ODSTSuperSpartan would "Op abuse". How exactly does one "Op abuse"? Do you mean "abuse his ops"?
  • "And thus lost any remaining privilege" - who did? You mean ODSTSuperSpartan. You need to stick a "he" in there somewhere, there's no subject.
Images: 4 The opening image isn't bad, but would probably be better if you just had the pic without the infobox, none of the info in there is particularly funny and most of it is just speculation. You could probably just caption the image "artist's impression of Super Spartan", or something. I'm generally not a fan of such images, but for a subject like this I'm not sure what would be more appropriate.

The only other image (except the Rock one which I've already mentioned) is the one of the two ginger Russian guys - again everything you're saying there is just speculation, so if you are going to use it, just say something like "one user suggested that SuperSpartan look might look like this. Also pictured his twin lover, who may or may not exist". You basically need a lot more images, although given you're writing about a guy you've never seen, I'm not too sure what to suggest. Screenshots of conversatios, perhaps?

Miscellaneous: 5.5 Overall score.
Final Score: 25.5 So overall a piece with a lot of potential that really just needs a bit more work. I would definitely recommend the realistic, encyclopaedic approach to this; I think it will get a lot more humour out of your subject matter. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, please let me know on my talk page and I'll try to help. I hope the review is ok.
Reviewer: --Black Flamingo 14:11, March 13, 2011 (UTC)
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