Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Egalitarian Aspie/UnNews:Charlie Sheen discovers new element(quick)
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Egalitarian Aspie 14:34, March 26, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||7.8||Overall, your approach to this article is guided in the right direction, especially for such a cliche topic. Your introduction is good enough that it clenches the reader to continue reading, if though it's about Charlie Sheen, and the irony you manage to sneak in here, like about Japan and the 67 people, really compliments the article. The one thing I would suggest is to go more in depth in the process of Charlie Sheen discovering the element, like saying that after he dropped everything in the toilet, he tried to flush it, only to result in his toilet blowing up in a cloud of cocaine and misdirected anger. Thus, Sheenium was born, or something like that.
I would also clarify that Charlie Sheen is the only person who can hold Sheemiun without gloves, because the thought popped up in my mind of how the lab technicians could examine it without going crazy like the 67 people. Or better yet, say how the lab technicians are included in that list of 67 people. That should give you another ironic twist in the article. This is probably a minute detail however, so ignore it if you wish, I just felt like putting it out there.
I also had a little issue with your last paragraph ending in "nobody cares," because that wasn't the clenching ending I was hoping for. I can't really think of anything right now, but the main point I'm getting at is that the ending isn't as good as it should be. Sorry I can't help you oout here anymore than that.
|Concept:||7.5||Now, the main problem with your concept is that jokes about Charlie Sheen are way to overdone. I'm pretty sure that most people will tire easily at reading another article about Charlie Sheen, but your is a little more creative than the ones I've seen before. I wouldn't have thought of transposing Charlie Sheen into element form. Plus, the irony that you use about Japan and Sheenium's traits are pretty funny, especially when I didn't expect them to be. All other issues are in the humour section, but all in all, I'd say you did a relatively good job here.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||Your english is good, didn't see any major errors, apart from a couple of spelling errors, so I would just read over the article again to see if you missed any of those. Your formatting is good, although I feel like there's a little issue with flow of the article. I don't know if it's just me, but something seems off with the flow, because I feel like you just jump from sentence to sentence.
That Charlie Sheen quote, for example. It is well written in that it actually seems like something Charlie Sheen would say, but that initial line, "If my own food shit can create something that pisses on science's face and shits in God's mouth," is a little confusing in its wording and even after reading if 4 times, I get a little headache trying to follow it. i get what you're saying, but it's hard to read it because of the use of verbs.
The main issue i think I'm seeing is that you don't transcend into each sentence. It's a little rough and you don't really flow into each sentence, but instead just jump into them like the sentences have nothing to do with each other. I'm not sure how to explain this really in depth, so I fixed some of your sentences to provide you with an example, hope you don't mind. I don't know, it must just be me, so I'd get a second opinion on this.
|Images:||7.2||Not much to be said here. You have a decent image with a decent caption and since this is an UnNews article, I don't think you need anymore images. If you do figure you need one more, may I suggest an image of Charlie Sheen himself with a caption like, "Here, Sheen expresses his joy of discovering Sheenium, or maybe its his joy of finding another stash of crack, we're not sure."|
|Miscellaneous:||7.6||The amount of kilos of cocaine it takes to knock Charlie Sheen out. BAM.|
|Final Score:||37.1||So that's about it. It's a short, well-written article, hence the short, complimenting review. If you have any questions, just hop over to my talkpage and ask away, I'll be glad to answer and help you out. Hope I was able to assist you, good luck with the article.|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 17:02, March 27, 2011 (UTC)|