Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Dogshead/Peter Sutcliffe
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Dogshead 17:40, 7 December 2008 (UTC)
Peter Sutcliffe: Does this article encapsulate the legend? Or is it well and truely hammered??
Just been advised this is not elegible for review! So don't!
|A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article|
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).
Well, now the TDB is over, I don't think there's a problem with reviewing it, and it needs shifting. Also, as a Yorkshireman, I'm probably as well qualified as anyone to give this the once over. By 'eck. --UU - natter 13:18, Jan 4
|Humour:||8||Rightyho, what we have here is something I enjoy very much - a good read. There aren't really any out-and-out belly laughs, apart from the WKD pic, but that doesn't matter here. If you know anything about Sutcliffe, there's plenty to be got from this article - and I'd say from the set-up that there's enough to keep people interested if they don't, as you do make it clear enough what you're really referring to.
I don't really have much to suggest in the way of improvements to the humour of the article - this is nicely done as it is, and should be well received by most readers, except those in search of really obvious lulz.
It could possibly do with a little expansion in the region of the "Early Work" section - possibly referring to the fact that his earliest attempts were interrupted before he could apply the coup de grace, and implying difficulty in perfecting his innovative technique. But that's a quibble, really - I don't have much more to suggest - good work!
|Concept:||9||Good idea, consistently well executed (if you'll pardon the expression). I like to see good quality encyclopedia articles on here, and I've not seen so many about recently - this is welcome. It's also a rare example of a good biographical article, so further kudos for that. You've worked in many of the aspects of the Sutcliffe story, and done it in a way that is consistent within the framework of the article, which is good to see - none of it feels like it's been forced in there, which is the most important thing. Not much more to add here, well done!|
|Prose and formatting:||6||OK, while it's well written in the main, and the formatting's fine, as a bit of a pedantic git, I have to mention a couple of things here:
1. Too may quotes. Generally, a few quotes at the start of an article is a sign of a not very good article. That's fortunately not the case here, but there are too many, and they're not all needed. At the very least, the second and third ones can go without being missed, and possibly the fourth too.
2. Occasionally, you trip up in your grammar a little by trying to use extended sentences with too many clauses, and it gets confusing. One example is "This, combined with the loss of his vision, due to his stunts, and hence unable to even see well enough to perform a simple card trick, lead to Sutcliffe largely falling from public view". Now, that's two clauses too long the way it's written - the commas don't punctuate it properly. The first and second commas seem to be performing a similar function to brackets, so you expect to return to the original point after the second comma. When that doesn't happen, the sentence feels wrong. A better version would be "This, combined with the loss of his vision due to his stunts, left him unable to even see well enough to perform a simple card trick, which in turn led to Sutcliffe largely falling from public view". A few small tweaks, but they vastly change how the sentence reads. Oh, and the past participle of "lead" is "led".
Another example is "The popularity of walking tours based around the area London's slightly less impressive wizard, Jack The Ripper frequented, has yet again lead Bradford City Council to pull one over the capital". Again, it's a bit clumsy with the clauses. Look at "Jack The Ripper frequented" - does that make any sense by itself? It doesn't read well at all the way you've written it, and again just requires a small change: "The popularity of walking tours based around the area frequented by London's slightly less impressive wizard, Jack The Ripper, has yet again led Bradford City Council to put one over on the capital". Again, there's the lead/led thing, and you "put one over on" something, I've never heard of "pulling one over" something.
The numberplate section is another example - you appear a little eager with your commas on occasion.
It's not a massive thing, but here and there you get a little carried away with your commas and structure your sentences in a slightly clumsy way. You just need to take a leisurely read through for readability some time after you've finished and walked away from it for a day or two - read it aloud, pausing for commas when they're inserted, and see if it sounds like it makes sense. If it doesn't, change it.
Finally, this is nothing to do with the article, but it's one of my biggest bugbears so please forgive me for mentioning it: in this review request, there's no "e" in "truly".
|Images:||9||Plenty of them, but not too many. All relevant, well captioned, and three are really well made. They add something to the article, got a couple of chuckles, and only the squashed look of the early performance one keeps you from a very rare 10 from me in this category.|
|Final Score:||38||Well done. This is a funny, well made article, and I like it. You've taken a good approach to your subject, and kept your tone consistent throughout. There are some nice moments of satire in there, particularly the legacy section, and being from Yorkshire I appreciate the bit about people staying in. The main area for improvement is in the prose - eliminate those rogue commas, have a good read through for readability, hack out those unnecessary quotes, and you'll have yourself a very fine read indeed. I'd like to see it on VFH at that point, although how well it'll do with those "American and am not prepared to try and understand anything from overseas" voters remains to be seen. I'd like to think it would do well.|
|Reviewer:||--UU - natter 14:21, Jan 4|