Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:DeRaza360/Nintendo 3DS
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My very first article. I had done plenty of 'research' beforehand and incorporated it into the article. Truthfully, I did make the article using the 3ds i hold right now in my very many hands. Someone else had also edited it a bit when I temporarily put it into the mainspace, so it's not all me there. DeRaza360 08:59, July 25, 2011 (UTC)
- I've got this, it should be ready for the 20th at the most, at first glance it looks good! I'll send you a message on your talkpage when I am through. Mattsnow 21:31, September 15, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||5.5||Hi DeRaza 360, I don't think we talked before, so I wish you a pretty late welcome! I am gonna do the review by whining and also trying to post suggestions from time to time which are there to help spark ideas. Overall, I think the humor is pretty good, but goes south as the article prgresses and your prose is top-notch. Having said that, the first thing that pops into the reader's face when opening the article is the HUGE table of contents, which is disproportionate compared to the article's size. This could be remedied by placing a * in front of the subcategories instead of the = formatting thing. I'll go over the article section by section here to whine and bitch. Let's admit it, a review is not constructive if it's a bunch of 'Oooohs and Aaaahs, you are a God!!!!'
First of all, I think the "Whoops" template here is not really funny and is not really relevant. I think what you wrote is pretty good, but it could use some expanding in relation to subjects you are going to be talking about later on. You could also merge the intro with the Summary section, since pretty much everything in it would be suitable for the intro. It would also be a good thing that you make it clear upfront that the Nintendo3DS is that machine the player wears with a strap on his head to avoid any confusion on the reader's part.
"as long as you don't mind about not being able to see for the rest of your life." LOL that is an awesome joke! The masturbation false link is good too, but the masturbation jokes are a bit overplayed here on Uncy.
Face Raider is really funny, you hit it. I think however that the Resident Evil paragraph somewhat misses the lulziness mark. You could maybe develop on how it sure will be dangerous to stagger around the house playing the game, as walls and badly placed stairs could lead to unfunny consequences. I feel the following 2 games are weak also and should be reworked or deleted.
Mario World: This one has really a lot of potential, and you succeed in making it funny, but I think it would be better that you delete the following game (Street Fighter) and expand the Mario idea, describing how your house will catch on fire when he stumbles upon a magic flower (opium much?) Just trying to spark ideas.
Zelda: LOL, I would not change anything to it except maybe adding a bit, maybe saying that Link must save the Princess (very original) and that you are almost sure to knock out someone IRL while you hallucinate you are wielding a sword trying to slay a 4 legged octopus. The Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Shadow Wars is quite confusing, and not too funny in my view, maybe this one could also be cleared out of the way for Zelda's benefit.
Normally lists such as the buttons list here are pretty much frowned upon by the users, but I think this one will melt their resistance since it is funny. Maybe you could add something to the A, B and C button:
Just so nobody can whine this list is useless. The start and select button "explanations" made me lol. The screen part is not bad at all but ends badly with an easy joke I believe: "because it sucks hard." You could also merge some of the sub-sections here, like the "camera" and "screen" ones."It's kinda the same reason why men have 2 testicles." doesn't really relates to what preceeds it thinks I.
Here the article takes a bizarre twist from its previously lulzy ways with that animal and gnome stuff. I don't really get it, the rest of this section seems to have not much relevance to the rest of the article and lacks funnyness I'm afraid. In my view anyway.
The introduction of the 1st person tense for the first and last time feels awkward. Some good jokes in there but it would need more, and then again that damn animal rhetoric.
Future and Reception
Well both of the last paragraphs fall under the downward spiral I mentionned earlier. It is as if you disconnected completely from what made the first part of the article so funny.
|Concept:||7.5||The concept is great, that damn gizmo sure has potential to laugh at. I like the fact that you also detail classic games that would be hypothetically on the console. The fact that you don't simply whine about how shitty the thing is is the path to greatness. Too much writers just desecrate their subject, it is a gross error.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||On the formatting side, reducing the size of that damn table of contents is a priority, by doing what I said at the beginning of the review. That way, the presentation of the article is going to be a lot more attractive and you could even enlarge the first pic and move the Wikipedia template to the end of the article because let's face it, people are there to read your article, not the WP one. If you put it at the end, then they can go read whatever WP has to say if they want.
Your prose is very good, sometimes reviewing articles is a pain since some people have horrific grammar. It's not the case here. And I'll tell you that I am not really an English grammar genius. However, I spotted a weird sentence: "Not wearing glasses also avoids you being beaten up by bullies for wearing nerdy glasses." A whole lot of "glasses" around there. Could be worked on.
|Images:||5.5||1.The image is not funny in itself, but the caption is and it sets up the subject perfectly.
2.Pretty much the same as the first. 3.Ok, now we have a big "picture hole" followed by a picture orgy. You could easily find a lulzy pic relating to these games to put in the hole. The 3rd pic (the boy playing with hiself lol) could be moved higher in the article since it illustrates what that gadget really is. The caption is funny. 4.MMM, that picture is a fail experimentation in lulziness, if you ask me... 5.Well this pic follow the same path as the text I am afraid: when you go further, the quality decreases, sorry to say... But you can do it with a good rework! I know you can soldier!
|Miscellaneous:||7||Because Stone Cold said so. And the article has potential, since the concept is good and you write well.|
|Final Score:||31.5||Overall a good effort, as I see the main problems to be the beginning formatting nightmare with the TOC, the lack of pics midway through the article and some unfunny games description that could be deleted (all three problems are easy to resolve). Improving or rewriting the last paragraphs is gonna prove to be more of a burden, but you can do it!
I hope that helped you and I would be more than pleased that you go on my talkpage if you have any questions about the review. Also let me know when you think you finalized it, as there is a chance I would nom it for VFH, or just do that yourself if you want. You can also go to my page to talk about the weather or what you ate for supper :D Later!
|Reviewer:||Mattsnow 00:46, September 16, 2011 (UTC)|