Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:DJ Irreverent/Pre-Market Economy

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edit Pre-Market Economy

My most favourite thing I have ever written. Enjoy. I would like to request an Under User review cos he rocks my socks :D or a Cajek one is great :) --Sir DJ ~ Irreverent Icons-flag-au Noobaward Wotm Unbooks mousepad GUN 14:13, 28 April 2008 (UTC)

Maybe you didn't get it but it isn't just meant to be laugh out loud funny, a lot of satire is. I agree it needs fine tuning (a fair bit), maybe it needs a bit more "laugh out loud" humor but essentially it is a parody of economics. --Sir DJ ~ Irreverent Icons-flag-au Noobaward Wotm Unbooks mousepad GUN 16:05, 28 April 2008 (UTC)

Ah, I see. Well, I still think the metaphor wears thin. I see now that it is a direct parody and not just LOLLLOLOLOL type of stuff. You should, as I said, cut the chaff from the wheat. Which parts could you do without? Which parts are essential?   Le Cejak <Apr 28, 2008 [16:07]>
Well its just a matter of I have put about 2 articles worth into one :/ I over wrote the article :( --Sir DJ ~ Irreverent Icons-flag-au Noobaward Wotm Unbooks mousepad GUN 17:31, 28 April 2008 (UTC)
That sounds about right. Just break it up a little and you should be fine.   Le Cejak <Apr 28, 2008 [19:07]>
Pre-Market Economy
is being reviewed by
Your Source for Fine Scented Pee
And Whatever Else Comes Out Of Him

Hey, it's that guy that hypothetically adopted you! ...? Go deadbeat dads!   Le Cejak <Apr 28, 2008 [14:26]>

Well this 'll learn you :P --Sir DJ ~ Irreverent Icons-flag-au Noobaward Wotm Unbooks mousepad GUN 14:27, 28 April 2008 (UTC)
Yeah it has a lot of references to economics which people who don't study it might not get but I think its fine --Sir DJ ~ Irreverent Icons-flag-au Noobaward Wotm Unbooks mousepad GUN 14:29, 28 April 2008 (UTC)
Gees I wish I could turn out high quality stuff as quickly as you Cajek... it takes me forever to write something really good :/ --Sir DJ ~ Irreverent Icons-flag-au Noobaward Wotm Unbooks mousepad GUN 14:33, 28 April 2008 (UTC)
ah HA! I recommend writing down everything on the site you think is funny. I have User:Cajek/faves at the top of my userpage. You should have User:Dj Irreverent/faves. Just a list of quotes. Every once in a while, go and search for some in featured articles. It puts me in a writing mood.   Le Cejak <Apr 28, 2008 [14:46]>
One day, I shall write something worthy of that page. VFH be damned, that is the true challenge of this site! (It'll probably have to be something highly non-British though, which could cause me some problems). Oh, and I never touched DJI's socks, honest! Finally, as Cajek's already hard at work on this review, I'll just say that a quick skim had me enjoying it, and I'll enjoy a full, in-depth read later. Just one pedantic observation: "cries", not "crys". Tatty byes, fellers! --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 15:08, Apr 28
Yeah the introduction is weak, I started from the bottom up and could never think of a catchy intro to go with it. Oh and Gorilla Marketing is Guerrilla Marketing --Sir DJ ~ Irreverent Icons-flag-au Noobaward Wotm Unbooks mousepad GUN 15:00, 28 April 2008 (UTC)
AAAAHHH! STOP EDIT CONFLICTING ME   Le Cejak <Apr 28, 2008 [15:22]>
Humour: 6.7 whoa, this article looks crazy... avg of each section
1) Intro <7>: What is the pre-market economy? The economy for children? You should make that clear in the introduction: like, really really clear that you're talking about kids. I am tantalized by what I am reading, if not a little wet as well. However, no GAFFAWS or anything like that.
2) Introduction <7>: FUNNY: "takes shrewd business management, ambition and screaming... lots and lots of screaming." MEH: "not quite as liquidated as the operator's pants." I actually didn't see that coming, but I still rolled my eyes and chortled distastefully. BASICALLY FUNNY: "Coca Cola (flexing its muscle) ran a..." that paragraph was interesting, and I didn't see it coming. BASICALLY FUNNY: "...many boutique stores have considered expanding into the Pre-Market,..." but for some reason, it seemed to drag on a little bit too long for me.
3) Market Mechanisms <8>: FUNNY: "Regulation" section FUNNY: Laissez-faire joke in the notes. However, just call it the lazy parent system, without the (net) in there. I still don't get that one... maybe I be dum. CLEVER: "Cry & Demand" although, leave out the spanking thing... child development people might giggle, but it's a pretty specific joke. Other than that, good.
4) Operating in the Pre-Market Economy <7>: BASICALLY FUNNY: "taking candy from a baby, well technically embezzling" I got it after reading it twice, which means a rewrite is in order. You are saying taking candy from a baby actually IS embezzling, correct? Yes, make that clear. FUNNY: the list of which markets are profitable FUNN-EH: "Textiles are also very popular in the Asian Pre-Market Economy." Oh, you're referring to the child labor? pretty good, actually, lol. WHAT THE...?: "and 2 hour conjugal visits on weekends." whoa, what? Sex jokes with little kids are funny, it's just that I think you might be going overboard. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I love sex with kids sexual humor, but it can get tiring after a while. Very tiring, and criminal.
5) Marketing <5.7>: FUNNY: "Peer Pressure technique, popular in most schools and amongst glue companies." Then begins the box thing. It looks okay, I suppose, but it took me a little while to understand it. I still don't think I understand it in its entirety. ERROR: "Consumers are will do anything to win" grammar.
5.1) Promotions and Prizes (6): I don't think I quite got it.
5.2) Gorilla Marketing (5): Hmmmm, I don't think this works. I mean, I get the joke; that's not enough.
5.3) Slogans (6): Meh. I don't know what to say other than that. It's not stupid or anything (3 is stupid in my book), but it's not interesting.
6) Shares <7>: MEH: you don't need footnote #7, I don't think. I can see why you put it in there, but I don't think it needs it.
7) Mergers & Takeovers <6>: Wooh, this metaphor for preschool is wearing thin by this point! There is so much to say, and so many potential jokes, that I think you got carried away. I would say, cut out any section that isn't really adequate in your opinion. If you want my opinion, pfeh, that's easy. It's up to YOU to cut the chaff from the wheat.
8) Study of the Pre-Market Economy <6>: FUNN-EH: "...and evidence lockers around the world". The metaphor isn't the problem here, it's that this section, as it should be, is an introduction. A slightly plain introduction.
9) My First Quarterly Prospectus <7>: FUNNY: "That goat seems to have taken exception to your business proposal and the farmer is none to happy either." MEH: the first three graphs. FUNNY: "This is a snake." MEH: "Billy and the New Neighbours" section HAHAHA-HILARIOUS: "Billy made millions in the Juice market before the bubble burst. He now resides in his custom bed-fort, selling dead worms to fund his Apple Juice addiction."
Concept: 9 I am jealous of your idea, therefore you get a high score and so forth. Instead of being so metaphorical, which is a drawback, you should intersperse the article with something from the real economy. Every other section or so, you could throw in a commentary by a leading economics expert. Serious language about those stupid things kids do would be a welcome relief from all the metaphorical jargon.
Prose and formatting: 7 Some mistakes here and there, but nothing major.
Images: 8 You sure are handy with that photoshop thing.
Miscellaneous: 7.7 avg
Final Score: 38.4 I remember when I had 5 vfh'd things and Led had 13 or whatever. You'll be where I am eventually. Have Under User look at this when you're done. I hope you don't think I was too harsh, DJ! You have more VFH thingies than I did when I was your Uncyclopedia age.
Reviewer:   Le Cejak <Apr 28, 2008 [15:36]>

Humour: 9 Heh, I like this. Looking through the article, and then looking at the histories, and looking at Cajek's comments above, I'd say you've done quite well in addressing several issues, and coming out with a really good article. My biggest worry, to be honest with you, is that it may prove a little long, which might count against it on VFH - people seem to skip the longer articles (which is a shame, as they're often worth the effort). However, I'm not sure what you might cut to help with this, as there's a lot of good stuff in here. Er...

Love the bit about raising capital. And the hostile takeover. And the Regulatory Body. If I were to lose anything, it would be the big business bit. It's good, don't get me wrong, and I think it's a very good article with it in. But it probably fits a little less well than the other bits, and as such is the most expendable if you do want to edit for length a little.

Concept: 9 I see no reason to disagree with Cajek on this one - it's a really good idea.
Prose and formatting: 7 Right, here's where most of my work is often done. There are one or two things to tidy up in here, and as one of the site's foremost pedants (easy, tiger, I said pedants) I'm gonna pick those nits (roughly in order to make 'em a bit easier to find)...
  • "Operating in the Pre-Market Economy can seem as easy as taking candy from a baby, well technically embezzling" - feels clumsy. Brackets, dashes, something to separate that last bit a little more, that's what you need. "Operating in the Pre-Market Economy can seem as easy as taking candy from a baby, (well OK, technically embezzling)" may fit more.
  • "suburb-urban"? is that one intentional? Would "suburban" not work there?
  • "These receive little interest after the first few days and find their way into the hands of the liquidators a "hand-me-down"." - surely "...as "hand-me-downs"."?
  • Generally speaking (unless you've heard differently), colons are used to denote the start of lists, not semicolons (semicolons are used the separate the items in the list if the items themselves include commas). They should also be used before quotes, instead of semicolons. Have a look through - I spotted several instances where this needed tweaking.
  • "Go and pick on someone its own market capitalization". Hmm, tricky one. It's obvious what you're aiming for here, but that sentence just feels a tad clumsy. I think with a comparable market capitalization might work there - the parallel should still be obvious.
  • The word "promptly" twice in one sentence - a bit of a no-no, how about also, or subsequently or something?
  • "Interprating"

I made a couple of tweaks myself, but just address these points above, and you can bump this score up a couple of notches.

Images: 8.5 Yeah, very good. There are plenty, they're relevant, and they're well captioned. Fine.
Miscellaneous: 8.4 Averaged - market forces drove me to this decision, and it's one I stand firm in.
Final Score: 41.9 Yeah, another fine piece of work, DJ. When I first glanced at it, I saw the massive stylistic change towards the end, and wondered if it would work, or if it would feel kind of jarring. On balance, I think it works, and I chuckled quite a few times while reading, which is cool. Have a look at the prose comments and take the appropriate action, then mainspace this baby and give me the nod, and I'll happily give it the nom I think it deserves!
Reviewer: --SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 20:12, Apr 30
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