Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Cs1987/Humanity: A Retrospective
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Either this is one of the best article ideas I have ever had, or I am full of shit. If the former is true, then I would like some assistance in trying to get this featured. Ideas for new sections would be great, as well as some basic feedback. Sir Cs1987 UOTM. t. c 07:05, 13 December 2007 (UTC)
|Humour:||7||The overall concept is good, but for me I did not really detect that many actual jokes in the body of the text. but I think you need to spice the text up with some more funnies thrown in here and there. It's more 'clever' rather than laugh out loud funny. Considering the vast subject matter you have here I'm sure you can do better than this. I think you can mix the concepts up a little, have the "author" of the article making some completely incorrect assumptions here and there. Maybe he thought that religion was a sport, and sport was a religion? You're not doing bad for the 'clever' stuff though, its more the outright gags you need to work on. I think people reading this will probably think "Yea it's clever but did not make me laugh". You need to fix this... Make em laugh.|
|Concept:||8||I think it's a good idea. You're taking on a difficult one here though, but I'm sure you know that. Everyone else seems to be doing retrospectives these days, and I found the tittle a interesting way of mocking that concept.
Obviously your using this as a vehicle through which you can mock all of the various wrongs in the world, and I applaud you for that my man, sock it to em! You have had a go at war, religion and consumerism, but what about all the other problems? If you will let me slip in a little whore here... My The Color Problem was my attempt at tackling racism. I think to make this article comprehensive you need to deal with more of the problems with the world. What things contributed to the end of the world?
Basically I think you need to structure the article in almost a story like form, still encyclopaedic, but have each section describing how the problems associated with the issue they discuss contributed to the end of the world. What are the problems of the world you have missed? You don't say any thing about Racism, you do not really have a go at religion in a comprehensive enough manor for my liking. What about the battle of the sexes? Man vs Woman I mean. What about homosexuality? What about globalisation? Environmental issues? Consider adding a section for each of these.
|Prose and formatting:||7||It's OK, but not brilliant. You're obviously writing in an encyclopaedic style, but for me your prose is not quite up to the standard I would expect to find if I were reading a real encyclopaedia entry. It is just a little broken here and there, and does not flow in the way it could. Some passages of the text have few links, and I think your missing a good opportunity to add some extra satire there.
I think that if you decide to add the new sections I have suggested you can probably stand to loose quite a lot of the text in some of the sections. You sometimes use quite a lot of words to say what could be said in a lot less.
Another interesting object regularly consumed by humans was the smoking stick. The purpose of these smoking sticks certainly isn’t immediately obvious, nor is the reason why less than half of Earth’s human population consumed them. Earthologists have been studying these sticks for over two years without producing any conclusive results. One theory is that smoking sticks were an alternative form of rejuvenation, although most humans appeared to prefer liquid rejuvenators
Could have been written:
The purpose of the bizarre smoking stick was not immediately obvious to Earthologists. After some investigation it became apparent that its primary function was as an alternative form of self gratification similar to liquid rejuvenators.
I'm not sure if you agree, but you can see what I'm saying. I think this applies over most of the article. You can strip out a lot of the words and keep the message the same. If you do this, and add the additional sections I think you can keep the length of the article under control.
Oh, and your obviously a hitch-hiker fan. ;)
|Images:||6||Your pictures are suitable, but they really just accompany the text without really adding to the effect (which I think) you're trying to create. I like how you have swapped the images around from left to right, I wish more people would do that. It's better than having all the pictures down one side. I'm using 1024*768 resolution. Try running your monitor in a couple of different resolutions and see what it looks like on them. 800*600 etc. For me you need some |
's through in to keep the spacing right. If you decide to mix up religion and sport you could protray the pope giving a team talk, and a famous sports man giving a religious talk. I think there is really not much difference between sport and religion in how people follow them (sometimes blindly). Make fun of this.
|Miscellaneous:||7||Averaged per pee 7,8,7,6|
|Final Score:||35||This has a lot of potential, but you have not exploited it to anything like its full yet. Maybe I'm being a bit harsh on the scoring here, but that's really because I would like to see this article be a lot better than it is. It can be. To make this VFH ready, and if you fancy doing it I think most of the text needs an overall in the manor I suggested. Try to thin down the 'unnecessary text' , and add maybe add some more sections. Not necessarily the ones I suggest, but I'm sure there are more things wrong with the world which you fancy a pop at... You're onto a winner if you do it right.|
|Reviewer:||MrN 16:16, Dec 13|