Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Bobofosho2/Ventura, CA (2nd opinion

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edit user:Bobofosho2/Ventura, CA

I wanted another opinion on this one. My last review was way to harsh, and many other people I already know agree with me on opinion. I have nothing against constructive criticism, but flat out bagging on a person isn't cool at all.-Bobofosho2 02:02, 18 July 2008 (UTC) Bobofosho2 02:02, 18 July 2008 (UTC)

UUtea A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter UU Manhole
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).

OK, as promised, I'll take this. --UU - natter UU Manhole 12:02, Jul 22

Humour: 5 OK, after a full read through, my suspicion is this started out as an article about the town, but your either ran out of inspiration, or got sidetracked by school. Either way, it starts really promising, but trails off as you get more into the school stuff. You run off course, and it starts to sound more like sexcruft than the promising film-noir style trawl around an unremarkable town I was enjoying.

I like bits like:

  • "where the corner of Conservative drive meets Liberal ave"
  • "My city cries for its savior... I feel it begging for the hobo-fesces to be picked up under the bridge. It sobs for the poor kids who must sit through Mrs. Maires 7th grade sex ed. (I was never the same after that)."
  • "Tourists are like that piece of gum on your shoe that you can't get off and that annoys the hell out of you. They come only once a year during the warm summer months and, as soon as fall rolls around, they're gone in a flash."

They show a certain way with a turn of phrase, and they made me smile. Taking us on a tour of the place in this style would be a lot of fun, I think. I'd enjoy that ride. Shopping malls, office buildings, scenery, parents, kids, all the mundane urbanities rendered through the prism of a film noir style narration - there's plenty to work with there. Just don't go getting carried away with your school, or with too much porn stuff. That'll put people off reading, and distract from the article.

Finally, read UnBooks:Pulp Novel, the case of the dashing dame and Film noir. They're both excellent articles in this style, and will probably give you a ton of ideas. Oh, and have another look at HTBFANJS. I'm not implying you're stupid there - a quick read of that often helps our best authors. and me - I'm a regular reader of it when I'm writing!

Concept: 8 My favourite thing about this is the concept. This is an original approach to a town article, and lifts it into the realms of something worthwhile. I'll put constructive criticism elsewhere, this box is for telling you how much I like the idea!
Prose and formatting: 5 Typos ("I hold im my f***ed up brain", "who shale remain anonymous" etc - Firefox has spellchecker plugins you can use - I recommend them - although they wouldn't pick up that second one). Also, the further it goes on, the more it becomes just blocks o' text with nothing to break them up. More pics would help (see below), and so would splitting it into shorter paragraphs with line breaks between them. People see one big block of text, there's a tl;dr response. They see the exact same text arranged into paragraphs with little gaps between them, they read it happily. So I'll end this paragraph and put a line break here.

There are also no links. Add some. Creative linking is a good way to add funny to an article, and if you can't think of creative links, obvious ones make it look more interesting.

And it looks a little dull, but the pics and formatting tips will help with that. Finally, when you're done, I'd run it by the proofreading service for a decent spellcheck and grammar clean-up.

Images: 5 Just two, and they're rammed close together. First tip: space your pics out roughly evenly in an article, it helps make it look interesting all the way down. Second tip: if at any time you can scroll the page to the point where all you can see on the screen is text, you could probably do with another picture.

Also, that first pic is a little bag at the moment, and kind of dominates the intro. Knock it down to maybe 300px.

Miscellaneous: 4.5 Averaged.
Final Score: 27.5 From me, this is a slightly above average score, and indicates pretty much what I think - there's so much more promise here, and I really hope you keep working on it. You seem to be picking good people to ask for help - Cajek, MrN, Sys and so forth are all good types, and I think there's a good chance of this turning out to be something decent. Keep going.

Finally, remember this is only my opinion, others are available. And good luck!

Reviewer: --UU - natter UU Manhole 12:34, Jul 22
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