Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Bizzeebeever/HowTo:Impress your neighbors
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Cough cough. Yeah, um...anyway...I'd appreciate a review, to tell me what all's wrong with this article.
P.S., there is a very - very - obscure joke that is running through this piece. See if you can figure it out before you get to the footnotes. I've been told to get rid of it, but it would just break mah heart to do so.07:51, July 20, 2011 (UTC)
- Ill review -- 16:57, July 22, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||6.5||Bizzeebever, first welcome to uncyclopedia. I like your enthusiasm, Ive seen a couple edits of yours and some things you've said on talk pages. I also see you are stirring up things by FFW some articles of admins. Nice way to make enemies, in any case, thats pretty hilarious :)
I read this article twice to try to get a grasp of it. I noticed that Skull thumper has tweaked it a little, which was awesome of him. Kudos to an admin helping out a nOOb! But even after those tweaks Im still at a total loss as to what this article is trying to do. I know what its about, some cool guy who jerks off. But I dont know what you are trying to do. All of the great articles here, and the majority of the articles that are VFH are articles that are not only ABOUT something but also trying to DO something (say something, take a point of view, point out something stupid or awful in society, ridicule someones beliefs, make you laugh non stop from beginning to end, see something in a different life, tell a story, make us see something from a different angle, do something new different creative, or a mix of those things). Your article could easily be any one of those things, but in my humble opinion you would have to take a time out, step back, and think about your article and what you want to do with it and then single mindedly go through the article and make that happen (along with a concept which I will talk about later).
The article has some cute moments, though in the humour department you start off with a funny gag and then...hey...where did the joke go? Apart from the broken couch part, nothing is really developed, and yet you brought up so many amazing incredible ideas. I will show you lots of examples in a moment, but its also something to think about as you read this...how can I extend this joke further? Develop it? What is just flat and needs to be cut out? What is simply not essential to this article.
Now don't take any of this as a pounding, I wouldn't have taken the time to write this monstrously large pee review if I didnt like the article or thought you would go all prima donna and say, who the fuck is this shabidoo ass hole telling me how to write, its all just in my humble opinion and I have the feeling youll take this for what it is, observations, critique and suggestions. That being said, this review will be twice as long if I don't just throw it at you. So lets go over the humour and content section by section:
Intro: I would suggest writing Aaaaaaand instead of annnnnd. I don't find this section particularly funny, but neither is t badly written or anti-funny. The tone is "I am a dude and hey, funny that this tentacle porn pops up out of nowhere". There are lots of sentences here which give me a reaction of some sort (from hey thats cute to what is this?) but they don't make me laugh. I would suggest either cutting a few of those out and limiting it (I get home from work, check my email and my strange buddy has sent me a link to something bizarre) pretty much sums up everything you said. Or, you could try to add humour to each part. I get home after a long day at work (that is if you call going to the bar and spending your welfare checks work), I sit down and open up one of those can beers (though it feels different at home as I have to serve myself) and I log on. Now, this isn't super funny, but you see how humour can be injected into each line and the ideas can be extended to get funnier with each sentence. And so, unless the text is essential for the flow of the article, unless it is hilarious, you should condense it or cut it out or extend those ideas into more sentences and make them funny. Not just random crazy funny but developed funny.
In the next paragraph, there are good ideas sitting there waiting to be taken just a little further and made just a little funnier, and as with the first paragraph, there is nothing out right bad about it, but neither is it funny. Making comparisons between bad tentacle porn and good porn is a good idea, and mentioning the whole skinny girls as well are both good ideas but they are not executed so well. Perhaps something like "Im a really classic porn man, anything other than a girl lying on a bed staring at me through the page, talking directly to me, asking for it...is just strange and perverted" (rather than just saying im not usually into that kind of shit). As for comparing it: The prawn porn idea, as I said isn't bad, but perhaps using another kind of sea creature would be funnier, something perhaps really absurd, like beluga whales, or krill (both way to big or way to small to be physically feasible with a human being). As for rendering artists, I find talking about Botecelli a little strange, is he an artist? As far as I know he was a composer and theses days there is an opera singer with that name. If you are going to talk about rendering, you might consider talking about how sick and strange it all is but at least it is rendered to tastefully, as you said, on rice paper etc... without the botecelli references which are confusing. Its a good contrast to talk about something obscene which is masterfully rendered, you just need to focus on that as you write out the sentence and not complicate it with anything else. Using words like crap and shit should be avoided if at all possible, but if you do use them, try to use it at a moment where you are at your most profane and as an adjective instead of a noun (It was rendered on the most fucking sweetest bamboo paper every made) as opposed to (That's some sick shit) if you see what I mean.
The next paragraph (you can see where this is going) is one of the better paragraphs of the article. Its clear and I like your descriptive tone. I didnt really laugh but it is amusing. Why yes yes ladies: This is amusing and also really disturbing. Its also departs from the first theme of the article (tentacle porn). While the article is supposed to be about something to do with neighbours I dont see any of that yet. First tentacle porn, now its an obscene narrative about a wanking session. Some people might like the contrast but to me its simply a radical departure from the first topic. If the article was called "Wanking to tentacle porn" then it wouldn't seem so strange. You ended the anterior paragraph by alluding to wanking without mentioning the word wanking, and that was done well. So its a bit of a let down to find out that you are now actually talking descriptively about wanking. One way to deal with this awkward transition would be to make the transition slow that you don't even realise whats happening until its too late or end the anterior paragraph in a less subtle way.
Next paragraph, again amusing and disturbing, though I do not laugh. I forgot to mention: Again you totally depart from the topic of the article, we are about as far away from tentacle porn as well could possibly be, describing the characters relationship with some neighbours across the street in great detail. Some people might like the absurd departure from the second topic, but I just find it makes the article seem really all over the place. The "awkward" line is funny...though the whole paragraph that leads up to it is unnecessarily long. Simply "My window is visible to my neighbours and a couple I nod hello to on the street are staring at me from their balcony". This pretty much sums up everything without departing from the main text and nothing is really lost. If you want to keep this in the main text, this could be do-able if you infuse humour into every line of it. i.e. My apartment complex is a little strange as there is little privacy, but since Im a welfare bum that spends all his cash in the bar, where else can I live? There are so many neighbours that can look into my apartment and they do so like the old lady who sits on her terrace the moment I get home and takes out her binoculars. etc. Though to be honest I would recommend forgetting about that and summing up that whole paragraph in one sentence. Its hard cutting out stuff that you spent time writing but we all do it dont we? The following paragraph is well written, I found the wasp part and earth quaking pie amusing. The dialogue is also cute.
Im expecting at any moment: Tear one out like a champ, cute. If anything you are very consistent with the whole "masculine im a stud happy go lucky dude" style. Oh god fire extinguisher: You have me captivated for sure, wondering whats coming next, but im also confused. Where do the hanging intestines come from? The broken sofa part is funny, to me its the only part of the article that made me laugh. Three middle finger salute, its cute but makes your character seem like an ass hole, and Im not sure you really want your character to be so unlikable. Dear god: It all ends in a rather anti-climactic and confusing manner much like the entire article. I also didnt find the last section so funny. I like the acidic tone (pff I dont even want to read the foot note) which I wonder is maybe an allusion to your own article, im not sure, and the whole I dont give a shit about those guys. But then, if the character doesnt give a shit about those people, why should we? Whats the point of talking about them. In other words, we should be left with some feeling towards the neighbours, i.e. do we feel sorry for them, do we wonder how the change happened (from being seemingly innocent people to suddenly sex freaks) but we have no information at all and you dont direct us in any way as how to feel about them. The various loose threads are not tied up at all, in fact, they are splayed into even more loose threads and I ask myself, what the hell is this tentacle porn/jerking off session/voyeurism/broken couch/perverted neighbours article about? Now that I see the foot note and get what the whole black text was about, Im also disappointed that not only was the text unrelated to the article but that also it has to do with something I knew nothing about, but is also only mildly funny. If you are going to include the whole twilight zone captions in the article, should the article not be related to them or even better follow them? Was does that twilight freak accident have to do with a guy jerking off in front of his neighbours?
|Concept:||6.5||As you can clearly see from the humour/content summary I cant figure out the concept of the article. If your article is totally without a concept, one of those random adventures, a grand potpourri of tons of crazy ideas, then, IMHO it has to be off the frikin wall hilarious, and you need to work a little more on that. There are TONS of ideas in this article, and atleast 25 points in the article where if you just extended the ideas a tiny bit more would become funny and without doubt a few more, would be off the wall hilarious. That being said, Im not sure that this would be enough to make it a conceptless yet super hilarious article. As I see it, tentacle porn, leading to a crazy jerk off, leading to neighbours wanting you to come over is a really strange sequence. Since the jerking off motif is the one that reoccurs the most throughout the article, I would suggest that you focus more on this than anything else. Anything that isn't directly related to the article should be a total second thought, and be clearly written that way. The tentacle porn should be condensed into one or two funny sentences. The neighbours should be included in the article from time to time written as one sentence. In fact, you can include as many different crazy tangents and funny side lines as you want, as long as it fills say 20% of the article or hopefully less and happens from time to time. The twilight zone captions are also cute, but they are just confusing and adds to the whole "all over the place" problem of which your article already suffers from.
If the article was about "a single guy who hasnt had sex, has had a hard hard day and needs a really really big sexual relief but is impotent these days and then all these little things come out of nowhere and make it possible, it happens in crazy and funny detail and then ends in the first orgasm he has had in weeks allowing him to keep living even as a hard working bachelor" then that would be, at least in my opinion a workable concept. But those other little side lines, have to kind of come out of no where and be small inconsequential moments (i.e. easily replaceable with anything else). The tentacle porn is already much like that, oh wow...aren't I lucky, Im so horny yet impotent these days and yet I find myself drawn to this porn. Is that a boner slowly popping up? And who would of thought...tentacle porn of all things!!! I won't let an opportunity like this fly by. And isnt that funny, the cleaning woman just happened to leave Kleenex and lotion right by the side table, its like I was meant to let a big one go. And hey, the neighbours are staring at me, and its some how turning me on even more. Etc... As though, this poor sexless guy is given the wanking session of a life time that he deserves after his hard days of work with other horny bachelors and nights trying to sleep so he can get through another day of work. This is some guy I would give a shit about and want to keep on reading about.
In this context, where we can sympathise with the guy, where we are motivated to care about his crazy wanking fest in front of his neighbours, and the crazy luck he has with those funny random things that pop up, the whole gross and disturbing description of his wank will be not only funnier but easier to read.
In summary, I dont think youll have to make a radical change to the article, just cut down the length of the side stories to be incidental and focus more on him as some sad chap that we empathise with (rather than some ass hole that breaks his couch jerking off) to be animated to read this very long detailed wank fest and laugh. I hope you get where Im coming from. I also seriously suggest getting rid of those twilight zone captions and saving that for another article or modifying it to follow the actual article (maybe it does have a connection with the article but I don't see that).
|Prose and formatting:||9||As for the actual writing, most of it is actually quite good. Apart from the problems of concept and humour and captions of the humour and perhaps at times a little too much direct profanity, the narrative itself is mostly quite good and it's clear that you have experience writing. I cant find any spelling or grammar mystakes though Im not the best person to ask about that.|
|Images:||2||I like the tentacle porn one and the neighbours smiling, I would suggest getting rid of the rest of the images and searching for other images. A broken couch, a picture of Kleenex and lotion next to each other. A picture of a pathetic looking guy after work. And put more thought into the captions.|
|Miscellaneous:||6.5||And...lets say...six point five points which is about the average of this article.|
|Final Score:||30.5||There is a really creative and funny article buried inside this jumble of ideas and half executed concept(s). By asking yourself, what story do I really want to tell? How do I want people to think about this guy? How can I make this whole wank session something the readers can empathise with and want to read? And then write it, taking time to think about the humour and add lots of it (without over doing the whole sexual innuendo) and bring in all those crazy side stories and tangents without digressing too much. It wont be too hard, but will take a fair bit of time and will require making a few painful cuts. In any case, I look forward to reading your second version, however you decide to make it. Hopefully you get everything im trying to say here and let me know if you didnt or if you have any questions or need other ideas/examples/suggestions and gooooooood luuuuuuuuuck mo fo! By the way I just let the air out of your car tires and stole your lawnmower. Good luck getting to work and cutting the grass now sucker!|
|Reviewer:||--00:58, July 26, 2011 (UTC)|