Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Bhind45/Malcolm in the Middle

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edit User:Bhind45/Malcolm in the Middle

I'll take it, if you're willing to wait for at least 48 hours. Sorry, have a bunch of work and I'm not sure if I'll get it done by tomorrow. However, I'll definitely have it within said 48 hours. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 01:14, March 24, 2011 (UTC)
I really hate it when people do this, but I'll have to get to it tomorrow because I have a massive headache and am not effective for pee reviews right now. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 01:58, March 26, 2011 (UTC)

That's okay. Bhind45 17:38, March 26, 2011

Humour: 2.5 So first off, quotes. Although I'm sure you've seen them used in some featured articles and such, they're generally not the best idea to use, except for some extreme circumstances. The quotes here do not fulfill those circumstances as they are not funny, do not really attribute to the flow of the article and are random. Thus, I have come to the conclusion that it was colonel mustard, with the candlestick, in the library. In regards to your article, I have come to the conclusion that you should just delete those quotes.

I was going to talk about the article section by section, but I see that the general problem is rampant amoungst all of them. So, I'll just talk about the article as a whole.

You already kind of lost me and probably other readers too with the coarse introduction to the show. You mainly talk about 'shit' and 'whore's' and while the use of those terms may be funny in some regards, I fail to catch the immediate connection between them and Malcolm in the Middle. Frankly, your entire article seems to just be a contemplation of differently worded sentences that all surmount to calling everything 'shit.' I would suggest taking an entirely new approach to writing this article, because right now, it looks like something only a juvenile delinquent would find funny. Now, I can't really tell you what direction you should take this article as that would amount to me pretty much writing the article for you, but I can give you some ideas on how to approach the topic.

1. Take an approach that actually relates to the show. Simply stating that everyone is a whore is not funny mainly because that has no real connection to the topic and is just plain silly. Instead of calling them a family of pimps and bashing the show immediately, why not take a more gradual approach, something like, "Malcolm in the Middle is a well-known American sitcom of a normal, middle class family. The show's producers at Fox where looking to create a show to quench the growing desire of lower and higher-class Americans, who desperately wanted to know what it is like to live the exciting life of a middle class American family. Despite the fact that the only people who watch Fox anyways are members of the so-called, elite, middle-class, the show thrived. In a few short months or so, the show's ratings skyrocketed to all new records for Fox. For the first time ever, Fox had attained a viewership populace of 12. The celebration resulted in two weeks holiday at Fox and the commencement of sacrificing Rita, the company goat. After numerous cease-and-desist letters from PETA and old ladies, Fox resumed production of the show." I'll stop there. The main point I'm trying to get across to you is that your article is way to coarse, to random and to simple-minded in its current state. Look at some of the articles that are featured and examine their writing style. You should notice how the format is more like a wiki article and isn't just a bunch of sentences bashing something

2. Revise your writing style. I know I just said this, but I think that this would really help you out since I can't advise you to change your personal humour. Not yet, at least, but when I get my machine working....nevermind. Anyways, if you fix the writing style of your article, that will really help you fixing the article as a whole.

3. Your concept is good, but you ruin it with your current approach. Take a lighter tone, and don't use 'shit' and 'whores' so freely. The more cusses you have in an article like this, the less funny it will be. When you outline the character names, for example, it's just a series of insults that aren't connected to the show. Take a lighter approach and use more irony in the tone. For example, you have, "Francis - Francis is the walking vagina of the pimp family." That doesn't even make any sense. Make it something that actually relates to the show and would make someone who has seen the show, laugh, like this, "Francis- The big brother of the family. Was one of the most popular members of the show, although this may be attributed to the fact that everyone thought he was Neil Patrick Harris. It is discovered later on in the series that he is not the real Neil Patrick Harris and that the actual Neil Patrick Harris is the real Neil Patrick Harris, much to the enjoyment of Neil Patrick Harris, whoever that is." You see how you can use irony to make the sentence sound more funny, because the guy does kind of look like Neil Patrick Harris. Then, you can create a multitude of jokes and twists from that one statement and all of a sudden, the article begins to look better

4. Read some articles that have been featured or at least seem written well. You can learn a lot when you look at other articles and compare your to them. That's how I learned why my first coupled of articles were crap and how I could improve the next time I wrote an article.

5. Delete the spin-off sections the Typical Episode Outline. Those are just embarrassing attempts at humour and do not add any value to the article. If you want, you could change the spin-off section to talk about other shows that have tried to achieve the coveted "13-record viewership rating," and then use that picture of that family in it. It would make the picture more relevant and it would give you material to work with that might actually be funny, if you play it right. i would also look to work on the lower section of the article, as those really could use it...

6. Expect an extensive rewrite in this article. I'm not sure how long you worked on this one, but it could use a lot of work re-editing it. Figure out what approach you want to take first, and then delete-re-edit, destroy and alter the rest of the article, because I think that's the best thing you could possibly do right now.

7. Seriously read HTBFANJS because it seems like you could use it.

Concept: 3.5 The concept is fine, it's not original but there are a lot of opportunities to poke fun at a show that really needs it. However, I had to take off a lot of points because of your approach and how the humour in this article is almost non-existent. Lots of coarse language and flat-out insults to the show that aren't remotely funny. I'm sure you could have done a lot better in producing this article and I know that there are a lot of twists and turns that could have been made to make this a good article. I usually attach this section with the humour section, so read the humour section for an in-depth analysis of the article. Fix the humour, and you'll get a higher score in concept.
Prose and formatting: 3.5 Lots of grammar, spelling, and sentence misusage in this article. You confuse 'their' and 'there' and lot of times and a good portion of the sentences in this article are confusing and badly written. For example, " Ugly cast, MacDonalds, To many whore's, To many pimps, To many complaints, People complaining, as you can see there so many complaints and many crap ones to." As you can see, this sentence makes little sense and has errors in capitalization and grammar and desperately needs to be fixed. In fact, this entire article really needs to be fixed. I suggest that you re-read the entire article and knock out all of this errors, like this one, "Every episode pretty much focuses on Malcolm like what I said before he's a stuck up bitch." What did you just write? You need to check for these errors. It's definitely going to be a chore, but no article is going to make it when it's written like this.

In regards to formatting, its fine overall, except you should give the intro a title so that it's not stuck between the table of contents and the picture on the right. Messes up the article a little bit.

Images: 4 Well, 4 out of 5 of the pictures in this article are virtually the same, so I'll just talk about them first. The pictures about the Malcolm and the Middle cover or whatever you call the picture of the show, are well made, but aren't generally that funny. The first picture is fine though, because it serves as an introductory image to the article and doesn't need to be as funny as the rest. The other three pictures though, are just repeats of each other with lame captions. I really don't see any value in them and if you are considering to delete the section they are in, you don't have to worry about this. However, if I were you, I would insert pictures that can actually be made funny or at least have a clever caption attached. Put some pictures of the actual cast, like Frankie Muniez with a caption like, "Frank Muntz Francine MuckMalcolm, from Malcolm in the Middle. Or a picture of Francis with a caption like, "No, this isn't Neil Patrick Harris. God..."

Maybe insert a picture of a scene from the show with a funny caption attached to it. You simply need more, relevant pictures to the show. Otherwise, the article loses a lot of its humour value and is worse off for it.

The picture of the that other family from a different sitcom is ok, but I'm not sure if its relevant and its feels kind of random...I suggested some things you might be able to do with it in the humuor section, I believe...

Miscellaneous: 2.8 My gut feeling. Also, my gut says hello.
Final Score: 16.3 So that's about it. Sorry it took so long and sorry I've been so harsh, but this article really needs a lot of work. Jump over to my talkpage if you have any questions, comments, or whatnot. I'll be more than glad to answer them and help you out. Hope I was able to help you here a bit, good luck with the article.
Reviewer: --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 01:40, March 27, 2011 (UTC)
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