Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:ASHPD

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This is my Homepage. Mine! I've remake the homepage. Give a rating. God Bless You!

edit User:ASHPD

ASHPD 17:50, 13 September 2008 (UTC)

Humour: 6 First of all, I don't know whether to commend you or smack you upside the head (figuratively) for putting your userpage up on Pee Review. It's the first time I've seen it done. Whether or not this trend should continue is up for debate. Anyway, I like the way you set it up in article format, it makes it much easier to review. Okay, let's start.

Title and Intro Paragraph and Sidebar and Userboxes, oh my! -- Okay, first thing I notice is that you've edited the Uncyc potato by adding an UNFEATURED bar thingie and turned it into ASHPDpedia. It's not terribly funny, and you would do well to improve it. Take a look at Zombiebaron's userpage to see a good example of the edited potato logo. Moving on, I notice the title goes <<<ASHPD>>>. Why, I don't know. Anyway, concerning the intro, I don't like the way how you adopt the top-secret stance. The line about a CIA agent shooting a civilian for every sentence I read is hard to read because of the bad formatting and red link. I make it a rule in my articles to get rid of any red links. They are ugly and distracting. You should make it a habit, too. Moving on, the only other problem I see is the "May the Force be with you" line. It's completely random and does not fit in with the rest of the intro. I would highly recommend deleting it. In the sidebar, the picture most definitely is not you. Looks rather like I do. But if that's the persona you wish to take, go right ahead. However, I would lighten the pic, it's kinda dark and hard to see. The info inside the box is very random, and not particularly funny. My suggestion is to unrandomize and pick a theme for the info, preferably one that goes with the picture. I liked the choice of Uncyclopedian nationality, 'twas the only thing I laughed at. The userboxes are well formatted and not ugly, which is a plus. However, I don't think I've ever seen the Rachael Cordingley userbox before, did you make it yourself? Also, it's good that you've discovered Adopt-A-Noob, and MrN9000 is a great teacher to learn from.

Introduction, The Fatal Mistake, The Aftermath, and Assimilation -- In the sidebar, I note that you like Command & Conquer. Now I've never played the games, but I think that you are going through the plotline of the game in these sections. Yes? Now, you may not agree with me on this, but I don't find C&C's concept to be funny. If it's funny you're looking for, C&C wouldn't be my first choice. Anyway, the sections are random, filled with dumb jokes that my dad wouldn't laugh at (and goodness knows he tells the worst), and quite frankly, weird. Instead, I would pick a concept and run with it for the entire userpage. It does wonders for the funny in your writing. I especially don't like where you write, and I quote (via the handy-dandy [Ctrl] + [C]), "Still reading? Wow, that is just amazing. You must have been a great student, because you're soooooo good at paying attention. Every teacher must have just loved you! A teacher's pet I supposed. Wow, I bet when you get up in the morning you piss excellence!" Why? Because I do piss excellence, that's why. Also, it's insulting to the other readers who don't. Please don't insult your readers. It reduces the impact of your jokes, and also hurts their pansy feelings.

The Future, the rest of the userpage--This was the part I laughed at. I like the way this is done. Very nice. This is what I want to see in the rest of the userpage. After The Future, you have a ninjastar, kudos, and for some reason, the C&C template. I don't think it works, and that you would do well to get rid of it.

Concept: 5 I still don't really know what your concept is. If it is what I'm thinking it is (you are a super mega what-have-you C&C supreme being), it needs work. My advice is to pick a single, definite concept and run with it for the entire userpage. It does wonders for the funny in your writing.
Prose and formatting: 7.5 Bleah on the prose part. OK on formatting. I gave you a Bleah b/c of the randomness, incorect speling, and bad grammar in your writing. If you wanted to, you could proofread it yourself and fix it, or you could send it out to be proofread. Add {{proofread}} and someone will be along.
Images: 4 You've only got one image not counting the userboxes, and it's not funny. You could definitely improve this with some C&C images, if you feel like it.
Miscellaneous: 5.6 Avg'd. Also, what the frak does ASHPD stand for? Or is it when the frak?
Final Score: 28.1 ... Good luck with you userpage?
Reviewer: Necropaxx (T) {~} 16:27, Oct 13
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