Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Unscripts: How TV can solve the Third World Debt Crisis (rewrite)
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Makes more sense as UNscript. Or does it? Sog1970 20:49, 2 July 2009 (UTC)
- It's Puppying time so go away while I investigate this... Pup
|Humour:||6||Adequate in humour, but only just adequate. There were no chuckles but the occasional smile, however whenever you include BA Baracas in an article you'll get a smile from me.
Okay - there are three elements here. G8, A-team, and Bono and Bob.
Although I can see the logical link between the Bob Geldof and Bono thing with the G8, I don't think that they are adding anything to this article at the moment, (Although the song isn't too bad - can you extend that into an UnTune?) The "Bono for Pope" joke has wound itself down somewhat since Benny XVI (or however many he is) came into play, so that almost stopped me reading this as it is a tire joke and I didn't really want to read a litany of tired jokes.
I also feel that the call from the G8 to have the A-team involved is a little off-kilter. If I remember my A-team correctly they were called by the victims of the bad guys, and had to infiltrate the bad guys operation. In this script the bad guys are the G8, and the victims are the poor of the world, and their spokespersons are Geldof and Bono.
If we put the two of them together we have a phone call where Geldof is calling Hannibal. Now this doesn't even need to be scripted, but alluded to by Hannibal, and then the three disparate elements are brought into this one meshed whole. We then have a relationship between A-team and B&B, G8 and B&B, and A-team and G8.
Other thing. Murdoch and Face have no real role. Face is okay - he had no real role in the original either and having him as a bit part in here makes sense. But Murdoch was the comedy relief, as well as being a role model for children like me everywhere. He made me realise that sanity was dull, and that nothing was more fun than putting puppies on a radio.
Murdoch's insanity was often "translated" by the team members. If instead of:
Or something along those lines.
|Concept:||6||Retitle it to "How the A-team solved the Third World Debt Crisis" as this has nothing really to do with TV. Otherwise a good concept, just a little loose around the seams. There's not much more I can add into here without being redundant.|
|Prose and formatting:||4||Formatting and prose issues run wild. A couple of sentences stop in mid thought. And start again as though nothing has happened. It is really. Distracting when you read it.
Old trick that I was taught once. Take your piece of writing as hard copy. Walk to the corner of the room. Facing the corner of the room read your work aloud. When people read they hear a voice in their haed that is reading the words to them. If you listen to your voice reading it then you have a better idea of what your raeder is hearing.
An example of that is the old trick where you mix up the order of the letters in the centre of the word and keep the first and the last letters intact you can still read it. Did you pick up both spelling mistakes in the last paragraph? Did you still understand what the word was meant to be? Do you even know what a radeer is?
Layout is okay but nothing special. Can the images play more of a "storyboard" role? Not essential to change as it is a script. Images technically are not part of a script.
And I know I'm being picky here, but the layout of a script should be:
EXT. PARK - DAY We float down through a serene, leafy park to the children's play area. There, in the sandbox, a BEAUTIFUL FIVE YEAR OLD GIRL plays among a group of kids. GIGI (V.O.) I have a theory about how this all started... A SIX YEAR OLD BOY approaches. He watches the little girl for a moment as she gently shapes her sand castle.
That bit was taken from some girly movie I was forced to watch the other day. But that is standard for TV, Movie and now stage scripts. It means you have a distinction between setting, action, and speech. Easier for the reader.
(If you think I'm being picky, I once had a script for a play rejected because I had it on three rings instead of two and the producer refused to read it. If he read it he would have realised that it was crap anyway, but the point is they are picky about stupid things.)
|Images:||7||The saving grace of this article. I love the imagery on this - anything that over the top has to be good. Only two things that I would ask for.
a) BA in a suit and the US flag in the background doesn't suggest to me UN security council. If anything I'd be sticking that against a backdrop of the oval office. Who wouldn't vote BA for president. Regan was president. Schwartzin... Shvartzenheim... the Terminator is governor of California.
2) Angela Merkel - it's a little over the top. Tone it down to a suggestive photo and you're there... a trick I learnt here is the necklace - it's a good logical breaking point to cut off one model's head and add on the other's, which makes the overall seem more seamless. (I also didn't know who Angela Merkel was prior to reading this article - I should pay more attention to world politics really.)
|Miscellaneous:||5||This is not far from being VFH worthy material. At this stage I wouldn't vote for it, but I would comment that it had potential|
|Final Score:||28||Iron out the bugs, look for the potential improvement. Maybe even get a bit more Economist geek speak into it. But at the moment it's a average cup of instant coffee when I wanted a strong espresso. Hmmm... I think I might go and grab a coffee now...|
|Reviewer:||Pup 04:19, 8 July 2009 (UTC)|