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memememe-- 19:08, June 16, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||There are funny moments though for me at least no LOL moments. Heres a play by play
Intro: The aphrodisiac part is funny but needs something more to be extra funny. The prediction for the future part as well. The genitalia part made me laugh. First section: This is all mostly disconnected and confusing, Ill talk about that in the prose section. The resistant to devaluation part made me laugh. Etymology: The part with the babes phone number is cute and I chuckled. But, this section isnt really well developed. Its a little all over the place and confusing and so the funny doesn't come across to me as you probably intended. History: The crack about a Rupee being valuable is cute. Again, we have the same problems as with the last section, a little confusing, not developed and all over the place. While I get where you are going with unobtainable technology, this really has to be better written and developed. I can feel myself laughing at something that is there in the paragraph but not written. I WANT to laugh at the potential humour. Science fiction: The same applies to the last section. There are also really badly written sentences so I cant laugh (and I write pretty bad sentences myself). So as you can see, I laughed or chuckled at a few ideas and I know what kind of article you are trying to write, but it isnt there, it isn't written and I think working on your concept will help you get there and trying to be really clear about what you want to say in each individual sentence will make that possible.
|Concept:||9||Im giving you a really generous 9 for concept cause funny enough, the concept is really clear to me (even though its not there in the article). Youve already done whats quite difficult in writing, which is alluding to something without saying it. Unfortunately you have to make that clearer. This is a concept example that fits in with what you have written:
Unobtanium is an element that cannot possibly exist. However, we pretend that it is possible so that we can make science fiction spectacular, fun and mystical. And because of this we can give it any property that we want. And that can even mean creating things that we would want to happen even though it never will.
Theres a lot you can do with that. If you are interested in that concept (which is pretty clear) then you could structure the article into this format. Your intro itself can summarise the concept (which is what you do in your introduction)
the next section can ramble on, on just how completely impossible unobtanium is (which you do half hazardly all through out the article). It would not be difficult. Example: Unobtanium is so impossible than even twelve horny greek gods without condoms would find a faster way to have safe sex then discover unobtanium etc...
The next section on how science fiction invents impossible scenarios that need to use unobtanium to make the story realistic (a great way to introduce irony into your topic). you have several examples of this in your article. Another example: In Avatar, the writers needed a way to place human brainwaves into a completely different biological life form...how did they do it? Well first they had a bunch of mystical ugly blue things pray and chant and hum, and, oh yeah, unobtanium was some how there behind the scenes and a pretty dramatic orchestra making it all the more
|Prose and formatting:||3||The prose is really all over the place. Im not sure if you are a native English speaker or not. In theory with a father Born in England I should be able to turn out perfect English sentences "I wish"!!! In any case Ill show you a whole slew of sentences that I can't understand.
Unobtanium is also used when fantasising about a sexual stimulant conceded perfect in all respects (no idea)
for example, like a thousand dollar pizza delivery tip = for example: a pizza delivery boy getting a thousand dollar tip
|Images:||7||I actually really like the second and third image. Did you chop those? Well done. The first image though...not so brilliant. If the piece of unobtanium was magically hovering below the hand and or glowing this would be cute. But I suggest a little more imagination while looking for images or chopping them for this space. In any case, your article needs more content and if it grows it will also need another image or two. The human mining unobtanium is pretty funny.|
|Miscellaneous:||5||Because goats don't know how to fart and regurgitate at the same time!!! Seriously!|
|Final Score:||29||As I said earlier, I see where you are going with the article, its a brilliant idea and there are funny moments and as well, great images chopped. Your concept needs to be far clearer and within each section you have to stick to the idea of that section. Otherwise your funny jokes are lost in the confusion. I would really suggest getting the article proofread. But I look forward to seeing the article in its polished awesome hilarious form.|
|Reviewer:||--19:43, June 16, 2011 (UTC)|