Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Unobtanium

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edit Unobtanium

Funnybony Icons-flag-th Agnideva-small.jpg AGT-logo-small.jpg 06:01, Jun 10

memememe--ShabiDOO 19:08, June 16, 2011 (UTC)

Humour: 5 There are funny moments though for me at least no LOL moments. Heres a play by play

Intro: The aphrodisiac part is funny but needs something more to be extra funny. The prediction for the future part as well. The genitalia part made me laugh. First section: This is all mostly disconnected and confusing, Ill talk about that in the prose section. The resistant to devaluation part made me laugh. Etymology: The part with the babes phone number is cute and I chuckled. But, this section isnt really well developed. Its a little all over the place and confusing and so the funny doesn't come across to me as you probably intended. History: The crack about a Rupee being valuable is cute. Again, we have the same problems as with the last section, a little confusing, not developed and all over the place. While I get where you are going with unobtainable technology, this really has to be better written and developed. I can feel myself laughing at something that is there in the paragraph but not written. I WANT to laugh at the potential humour. Science fiction: The same applies to the last section. There are also really badly written sentences so I cant laugh (and I write pretty bad sentences myself). So as you can see, I laughed or chuckled at a few ideas and I know what kind of article you are trying to write, but it isnt there, it isn't written and I think working on your concept will help you get there and trying to be really clear about what you want to say in each individual sentence will make that possible.

Concept: 9 Im giving you a really generous 9 for concept cause funny enough, the concept is really clear to me (even though its not there in the article). Youve already done whats quite difficult in writing, which is alluding to something without saying it. Unfortunately you have to make that clearer. This is a concept example that fits in with what you have written:

Unobtanium is an element that cannot possibly exist. However, we pretend that it is possible so that we can make science fiction spectacular, fun and mystical. And because of this we can give it any property that we want. And that can even mean creating things that we would want to happen even though it never will. Theres a lot you can do with that. If you are interested in that concept (which is pretty clear) then you could structure the article into this format. Your intro itself can summarise the concept (which is what you do in your introduction) the next section can ramble on, on just how completely impossible unobtanium is (which you do half hazardly all through out the article). It would not be difficult. Example: Unobtanium is so impossible than even twelve horny greek gods without condoms would find a faster way to have safe sex then discover unobtanium etc... The next section on how science fiction invents impossible scenarios that need to use unobtanium to make the story realistic (a great way to introduce irony into your topic). you have several examples of this in your article. Another example: In Avatar, the writers needed a way to place human brainwaves into a completely different biological life form...how did they do it? Well first they had a bunch of mystical ugly blue things pray and chant and hum, and, oh yeah, unobtanium was some how there behind the scenes and a pretty dramatic orchestra making it all the moreunbelievable. And a final section on desiring things that we can never get (by pretending unobtanium can actually exist) which is where you can place all the scientific information scattered throughout your article). No matter how you do it though, I strongly suggest that you make your concept solid and clear before you structure your article and pepper it with all of your jokes. You have a really great knack for that kind of thing.

Prose and formatting: 3 The prose is really all over the place. Im not sure if you are a native English speaker or not. In theory with a father Born in England I should be able to turn out perfect English sentences "I wish"!!! In any case Ill show you a whole slew of sentences that I can't understand.

Unobtanium is also used when fantasising about a sexual stimulant conceded perfect in all respects (no idea)

or passing unscathed through an asteroid belt = or when passing through an asteroid belt unscathed

for example, like a thousand dollar pizza delivery tip = for example: a pizza delivery boy getting a thousand dollar tip

The Core, but the concept under different names can be seen in fictional anti-gravity material that is super-strong, (not sure)

which requires an atomic strength on the order of the forces binding a married couple together in Rio (does this refer to Brazillian unfaithfulness or promescuity?)

And seeing as I don't write so well, there are probably quite a few more sentences that are a little garbled and could be written more naturally in English. I suppose you could use the proof reading service or ask SPIKE if he ever comes back.

Images: 7 I actually really like the second and third image. Did you chop those? Well done. The first image though...not so brilliant. If the piece of unobtanium was magically hovering below the hand and or glowing this would be cute. But I suggest a little more imagination while looking for images or chopping them for this space. In any case, your article needs more content and if it grows it will also need another image or two. The human mining unobtanium is pretty funny.
Miscellaneous: 5 Because goats don't know how to fart and regurgitate at the same time!!! Seriously!
Final Score: 29 As I said earlier, I see where you are going with the article, its a brilliant idea and there are funny moments and as well, great images chopped. Your concept needs to be far clearer and within each section you have to stick to the idea of that section. Otherwise your funny jokes are lost in the confusion. I would really suggest getting the article proofread. But I look forward to seeing the article in its polished awesome hilarious form.
Reviewer: --ShabiDOO 19:43, June 16, 2011 (UTC)
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