Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Unfomercials: New Shiatsu Massage Chair

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edit Unfomercials: New Shiatsu Massage Chair

Please message me on talk page after you do the review. It's Me Bitches! Don't worry, I won't kill you.

Oh Dear The preceding unsigned comment was added by Jedipickles (talk • contribs)

UUtea A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter UU Manhole
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).

As requested, I'll take a squint. --UU - natter UU Manhole 20:49, Jun 1

Humour: 4 OK, that's not a great score to start with, but don't get discouraged - let me explain why I've given it.

What I see here is a start. I see something that needs work, but has some timber in place from which to hang more stuff. In other words, it has potential. But it needs a lot more to realise said potential. For a start, it's quite short. Take out that unnecessary and ugly whitespace and it's not a very long article. So obviously you need to expand it. How? Well, I'll deal with that in the concept section. Just a couple more points here though:

  • Ridiculously high numbers don't add much humour - the price and the "soothing heat" are just too exaggerated to be funny. Make it closer to reality but still obviously too high, and you're getting closer. Particularly if you try to justify it amusingly - again, see the Concept bit
  • That last line about the team in Kansas - feels totally pointless, why is it there?
  • I do like the "Correct me if I'm wrong" / "you're wrong, I'll have to correct you" exchange, that's probably my favourite bit.
Concept: 5 I think you have the basic idea here - trying to shift a completely appalling product. But you're not really getting much use out of it at the moment. The way I see it, you have two choices here - either:
  • Have the salesman know he has a shonky product here, but be utterly determined to shift it anyway, really trying to make all of these hideous features seem like must-have benefits. This one can be a lot of fun if you're good at coming up with inventive ways to make the appalling seem desirable. Think Ryan Styles and Colin Mochrie on Whose Line Is It Anyway? they often do that kind of thing in their infomercial skits. You can take this as far as you like, and could go as far as to have someone in the audience volunteer, only to be hospitalised by the chair, and the salesman still trying to pass this off as a desirable product
Or:
  • Have the salesman bored, listless, really not caring a shit about shifting the product, and not even listening to what the audience are saying. You can have fun with this, and bring in reasons why he's so desperate for cash he's doing this dead-end shift - perhaps the audience can heckle him over his expensive celebrity divorce or something ("does the chair ease the pain of that, huh, you washed up nothing?!")

But whichever, you have to add more to it. What's here is not much more than a stub with a couple of light chuckles. What it needs to be is longer and funnier. I've given you a couple of ideas on how to achieve that. See where you can go with them.

Prose and formatting: 5 W h i t e s p a c e ! There's wayyyy too much of it. Put those lines closer together, and add more content.

That said, there aren't many typos to pull you up on - just "incudes". The single biggest problem with the prose, as I already mentioned, is that there isn't enough of it.

Images: 3 Well, you have one, and it's relevant. But that's about it. It's too small - can you find a larger version? If not, can you find another image that's similar but larger? And you need more images - at least two for the current length, but probably 3 or 4 when you add more to it. Think about having pics of the advertising actor - some mug with an obvious wig and a cheap suit, maybe a pic of the audience, and possibly one of the lucky winner showing his deep joy at his good fortune!
Miscellaneous: 4.3 Averaged.
Final Score: 21.3 OK, that's not a great score, but as I said, don't be put off. I think you can make this idea work, but you have to really push it - put in a bunch more content, so you don't have to pad it out with whitespace. Describe audience reaction a bit more, give the actor more personality, give it a direction, make it sing!

I hope you keep working on this, and remember: this is only my opinion, others are available. And good luck!

Reviewer: --UU - natter UU Manhole 21:18, Jun 1
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