Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Unfomercials: New Shiatsu Massage Chair
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|A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article|
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).
|Humour:||4||OK, that's not a great score to start with, but don't get discouraged - let me explain why I've given it.
What I see here is a start. I see something that needs work, but has some timber in place from which to hang more stuff. In other words, it has potential. But it needs a lot more to realise said potential. For a start, it's quite short. Take out that unnecessary and ugly whitespace and it's not a very long article. So obviously you need to expand it. How? Well, I'll deal with that in the concept section. Just a couple more points here though:
|Concept:||5||I think you have the basic idea here - trying to shift a completely appalling product. But you're not really getting much use out of it at the moment. The way I see it, you have two choices here - either:
But whichever, you have to add more to it. What's here is not much more than a stub with a couple of light chuckles. What it needs to be is longer and funnier. I've given you a couple of ideas on how to achieve that. See where you can go with them.
|Prose and formatting:||5||W h i t e s p a c e ! There's wayyyy too much of it. Put those lines closer together, and add more content.
That said, there aren't many typos to pull you up on - just "incudes". The single biggest problem with the prose, as I already mentioned, is that there isn't enough of it.
|Images:||3||Well, you have one, and it's relevant. But that's about it. It's too small - can you find a larger version? If not, can you find another image that's similar but larger? And you need more images - at least two for the current length, but probably 3 or 4 when you add more to it. Think about having pics of the advertising actor - some mug with an obvious wig and a cheap suit, maybe a pic of the audience, and possibly one of the lucky winner showing his deep joy at his good fortune!|
|Final Score:||21.3||OK, that's not a great score, but as I said, don't be put off. I think you can make this idea work, but you have to really push it - put in a bunch more content, so you don't have to pad it out with whitespace. Describe audience reaction a bit more, give the actor more personality, give it a direction, make it sing!
I hope you keep working on this, and remember: this is only my opinion, others are available. And good luck!
|Reviewer:||--UU - natter 21:18, Jun 1|