Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Uncyclopedia Beach Local

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edit Uncyclopedia Beach Local

Yo ho ho and a bottle of soma!

Funnybony Icons-flag-th Agnideva-small.jpg AGT-logo-small.jpg 20:22, Mar 8

pk, who am I kidding, I can't take a break! I'll just have to be dilligent to do my schoolwork. Oh by the way, I'll get this over the next 48 hours --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 18:10 EST 8 Mar, 2010

Too much real world shit right now, I'll get this later if no one else has, but consider this open to anyone, my apologies --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 00:40 EST 10 Mar, 2010
OK, I have a lot of homework, so anyone can do this if they want in case I get caught up, but I'm going to start on it. Sir ¬_¬ | Banter HOMOPHOBE!!! CUN Icons-flag-us NOTM 22:36, March 10, 2010 (UTC)
Somebody else review this please, I have to go somewhere in about 1 hour and I'm going to spend Sunday doing homework. OK, I'm not booking anymore reviews until spring break. There.Sir ¬_¬ | Banter HOMOPHOBE!!! CUN Icons-flag-us NOTM 20:05, March 13, 2010 (UTC)
Hey hey, midterms are over and I'm home on spring break and got nothing to do since every other college in the universe is NOT out this week lol. I'll be happy to get this review like I originally said, 24 hours --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 17:35 EST 15 Mar, 2010
I'm trying my best, I just had my wisdom teeth taken out, I think I need to save this for tomorrow... --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 19:39 EST 16 Mar, 2010
Anyone can review this from now, sorry Skinfan13, we can't hold other potential reviewers off this one, you are still welcome to it tomorrow, but anyone else can have a go before then. --ChiefjusticeWii 23:44, March 16, 2010 (UTC)
OK, my vicodin has worn off, I'm ready to finish this up lol, it'll be done in the next few hours --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 15:57 EST 18 Mar, 2010
Humour: 5.5 The way I review, I generally put the majority of my comments and suggestions in the humor section. This allows me to be lazy keep all of my thoughts organized. I'll give you my first impressions after one read through and then go in for a more detailed look.

Initial Impressions

I really like the concept and I think it has a lot of good potential, but I feel as though you didn't quite carry the concept that well. One of the things I noticed up front is an excessive amount of boldface and italicized font. There is also an apparent inconsistency of narration.

Section by Section

Introduction

I understand that what you're trying to do here is capture surfer lingo as it would exist within an Uncyclopedia surfer culture, but I feel as though it needs to be turned down just a bit, I had to reread the first paragraph a few times to completely digest it. I feel as though the tone you take toward the end towards to concept of "content" makes it seem like the registered users don't give a shit about content, but the kooks (wikipedians and such) do. I don't know if that's intentional, but I would suspect otherwise. It should be clear to the reader that the "locals" aka us are all about content and we get all high and mighty about it. The kooks should be the ones lacking content.

Where Is?

Well, I really feel as though this gets lost in translation. You switch tone here from the more neutral tone of the introduction to that of a local. I don't know if this is the right approach. I think consistency of tone is really important, so that's where I'm coming from with this. Another thing I don't quite understand is why pee review is considered the Uncyclopedia beach. Also later on you seem to refer to other elements of Uncyclopedia as the beach. Somehow I feel as though having VFH as the beach would make more sense, or even just having the whole website as the beach.

What Is?

This section I really don't get. I feel as though this section covers the kind of stuff that could be lumped in with the previous section. I kind of like the idea of having the "locals" defined as having specific niches, like the "VFH locals" since most users have their own thing they do around here. I really don't think that the line where you say the definition has already been given is unnecessary and really isn't funny. There really doesn't feel like there would be a reason to re-define the term here (or at all) so it doesn't really make the reader look stupid when you say you won't define the term there.

What Types?

Your definition of kook is a little overly goofy I think. Along these same lines, your definition under surfer is a little bit complicated. I feel as though you need to narrow your definitions. Perhaps simply having kooks, non-registered users as out of town surfers, and registered users as beach locals would serve your article better.

The Rest

I feel as though there is no need for the section in which you list the beach as either being the real beach or the internet beach. I really don't understand the necessity of that section. I kind of like your bit on the initiation though, I got a little bit of a kick from that. After that the rest just falls off.

Final Humor Comments

Well, I feel as though you have a really good idea here, but It didn't really translate in a funny way. I think a bunch of the formatting got in the way as well. The whole thing I feel could be a lot funnier with some simple editing and scaling back.

Concept: 8.5 Ok, I actually think your concept is really clever. I like the metaphor of the high and mighty Uncyclopedia users who look down upon the non-regular users because of their lack of "humor" or "content" as compared to surfers and non-surfers. I do feel as though your concept was good, but you didn't develop it well. I think with a little work, you could definitely turn this into a really clever article. My suggestions for doing this would be to figure out a concrete definition for who your kooks are, who your surfers are, and who your locals are. Within this framework, you'll need to figure out where wikipedians, unregistered users, random internet traffic, and registered users all fit. You also need to define exactly what the Uncyclopedia beach is, it needs definite boundaries and it needs to be clearly defined.

You also have a few problems with tone. You need to figure out from whose perspective this article should be written from. You seem to bounce between a neutral tone and a tone from the perspective of a "local."

Prose and formatting: 4.5 You use extensive amounts of italicized and bold font, and it doesn't flow well and gets really annoying very fast. You need to severely curtail this. I would very sparingly use the boldface and italics. Taking a more encyclopedic approach to this would work better I think. You make a lot of use of two sentence paragraphs, which also contributes to the visual clutter of your text that goes hand in hand with your use of italics and boldface. You also have a lot of sections that are very short or are unnecessary. A good step toward making this more coherent and funny would be to reformat your text with broader sections that contain more text with less italics and boldface.
Images: 7 For your amount of text, I think you may have one too many images, but for the most part your article doesn't feel cluttered in terms of images. Your images correspond to the subject matter you're dealing with, but I don't know, I feel like you need some more images that tie in Uncyclopedia to the beach stuff. Your images for the most part feel a little bland. I don't really have any specific ideas in terms of jazzing-up what you have, but perhaps finding a way to combine the two concepts into one image would be a good idea. On the whole what you have isn't bad and is fairly adequate. You could easily get away with keeping what you have.
Miscellaneous: 4 My level of enjoyment from reading the article. I really didn't think that what you have was excessively funny or entertaining. I do really like your concept though, but I feel as though it fell flat.
Final Score: 29.5 I think you have a good concept, but you didn't exactly go down the best path with it. I think what you need to do is refine what you're trying to do with the article and stick with it. Removing the excessive italicized and boldface font will go a long way to making this more readable also. I wouldn't totally redo what you have, but I feel as though this still needs a bit of work in order to become a complete article. I hope that this has been helpful to you, and if you need anything or wish to discuss any of this, please drop me a line.
Reviewer: --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 00:30 EST 19 Mar, 2010
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