Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Unbooks:Diary of a Monkey Lover

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edit UnBooks:Diary of a Monkey Lover

First Unbook I have written. The concept is normal high school drama, with the sweet girl, hot whorish girl, and big dumb brute bully as monkeys...sorta. Hope you like it! ~SirTagstitVFHNotMPEEINGCPTRotMBFF 06:37, 20 February 2009 (UTC)

SakiKasukabe

Nachlader will review this article.

So leave him alone. Honestly. You want to argue with a face like that?
SakiKasukabe2
Sorry it's late. --SoIwastolazytolearnGermanic.jpg-kun "whisper sweet nothings into thine ear..." 21:55, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
Humour: 7 A very nice article certainly, although it does take a few minutes, more than what's comfortable with some readers, for the joke to settle it's wings upon the text. Furthermore the UnBook does take on a rather old concept, the succesful-lawyer-with-wife-and-kids who wants an escape from his usual, boring daily routine.

However, it is saved by the fresh injection of what I categorise as 'grotesque humour' - which I haven't seen much of on this site - he falls in love with a monkey (or two), but the romance is presented as if the monkey was any old human and the grotesqueness is rather deepened, beneficial to the humour. For example, "Then, we performed things that shall go unexplained, because everyone I have told so far has thrown up. Except for my dad; he seemed to really enjoy this part and ran to the bathroom before I could finish." is a fantastic part of the article. Some people aren't attracted to this type of comedy, however.

Concept: 6 Appropriates a degree of independence with the designated humour brand, however it's the spine of the concept I have a problem with. I've seen a lot of articles that starts off with a person who is bored with their life so they embark on a rather dangerous adventure with hilarious results. However, all things get rather old someday. What I'm thinking is - you could potentially change the entire start of the article, but I'm also thinking you'd rather not go to such lengths.

The story is heartwarming and a pleasure to read. However, my concern is that, while the introduction can certainly be excused, the article takes a while to get to the jokes. I can do no more than raise a smile until the end of Chapter 2: Lost. Before then, it can be a bit boring while looking at the text simply drag on. I was able to stifle my interest concerns whilst reading it, but I can't say that every other reader will avoid losing interest if a humour article is unable to get to the humour. What's more, Chapter 1: Finding Myself seems quite useless. It's hard to understand why religion should be the reason why he never found love for monkeys.

I suggest shaving the opening chapters slightly. If you want to produce a more interesting opening to the UnBook, why not make it so that religion is replaced by love for female humans? "Ever since my wife shaved her batcave, it... Well it never worked out for me any more. I craved that fuzzy feeling of hair, the warm wavy fur that protects the skin... I just lost interest in my wife, and in human beings in general. But I knew this didn't make me an asexual. There was... something out there that I have feelings for". The retreat in Chapter 2: Lost could certainly remain though.

The ending is something of an anti-climax. I am unsure why Stacy's boyfriend goes round to rape the author. I'd suggest thinking of something else - perhaps he reveals he recently bought a dog and he's getting his "feelings" again?

Prose and formatting: 7 Not much to complain about here - the text acquires an ample word count, delivering an onslaught of interesting prose. This benefits the narrative superbly, giving it life and extra wheels to run on. I can't suggest much here, other than to say the only thing lacking is the special touch applied to the prose, such as the vocab and flow - for example "I went into depression" is far better presented as "I sank into deep depression". There are a few problems in the text as well:
  • She laughed as a slipped a few times. - As I slipped a few times?
  • "Good evening" I began, "it has been a while. - No closing speech mark. Also, italicise all quotes.
  • I paniced and stopped." - Should be panicked.

The very last chapter is killed off, rather than finished. I've already mentioned the issue with the final part of the article, but an extra problem is the prose: "Well...what is that? Oh I hear something. Is that a gorilla? Oh its Stacys gorilla coming to finish the job! Oh crap! What is he doing? He just flipped me over! Ahh! NO! He is raping me! AHHH! OOOWWW! Damn gorillas have big dicks. Passes out and dies." There is an attempt to present an imminently current event here as well as an 'action' to tell the reader what the author is doing and suchlike. These are two devices in writing that are very hard to put into effect, almost hard enough to not even be worth bothering about. It rather kills off interest, for me anyway, no matter how much the author wants them in there. If you still want this in the article, I'd suggest putting it out as thus New paragraph "Hold on, I need to finish this book now, I believe I can hear something outside that resembles a gorilla - oh shit, Stacy's boyfriend! SHIT AUUGH AUUUUUUUGHH! FUCK!" New paragraph "... Gorillas... have big... dicks...". It must be said that I usually judge the prose score quite harshly.

Images: 6 Highly suitable images, dressed upon the article appropriately. However, the thing I'm interested in with images is the sense of variety - of which is certainly lacking here. Only the first picture is ape-less, the rest see different monkeys - all clearly relevant but lacking in any special feature whatsoever, meaning that the captions are left to do the work.

However, if you're totally comfortable with what you've chosen, I can understand that. Sometimes images suit the page far too much to be considered for deletion.

Miscellaneous: 6.5 Average'd. Oh yeah, I really like Huey Lewis and the News.
Final Score: 32.5 Quite good, but not completely special. The story holds it's own, the humour needs a bit of nailing down but the concept is rather mildewed within it's foundations. But I absolutely enjoyed reading it, and found it much the ticket for my humour tastes.

For an UnBook, I'd say it's slightly stereotypical, as it is very upfront about the story nature ("This is a true account of all the events leading up to this moment. And although it is a tragedy, I feel there is much to be learned.") - but no matter. Good luck and there are other opinions available.

Reviewer: --SoIwastolazytolearnGermanic.jpg-kun "whisper sweet nothings into thine ear..." 21:55, 26 February 2009 (UTC)
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