Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnTweets:Mr McElroyLand!

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edit UnTweets:Mr McElroyLand!

Ok, so I came up with this idea for a parody of someones (anyones) twitter. I think it's turned out quite funny but I'd like some proper feedback (particularly on the concept and why it does or doesn't work). Formatting help would be nice too, if possible. In depth review please! ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 10:28 11 May 2009

Outhouse   Tagstit   doesn't believe in new fancy-pancy toilet systems with running water and all. Just a hole in the ground with a lil' cover will do. Now gimme' your article and I'll be done in a few minutes.

While you are welcome to review this, I suggest you find another article in need of help so that we can clear the ever growing Pee Request list.

Humour: 8 This is going to be a hard review because I have never reviewed a UnTweets before, naturally because this is the first one. Well...the humor was definitely there. The first time I thought it was hilarious. I was laughing at almost every part. But on the second read, it got a bit boring. That will be for concept, I suggest you read that first. But I think the situation is too average. The situations of course, don't happen to us everyday, but they happen in funny stories and articles all the time.

My first suggestion would be to change the character. A schoolteacher is boring. I have a few ideas. Maybe there is a secret agent of the president of the United States, Twittering things to his friends that are matters of national security. You know, top secret things that only a few people should know yet he is Twittering about them anyways. Another idea is maybe he is a lifeguard, or someone in charge of people's lives, yet he is still looking down, taking the time to Twitter on his phone. And when someone needs CPR, he Twitters that he needs to save the person before he actually does it.

Now, I know you are probably thinking these are all bad ideas, because one, they also work on only one joke, and two, changing it would mean completely ruining your original idea. Your original idea in itself is wonderful, and I don't think that should be changed. So what I suggest, is maybe a collection of different people's Twitters. Maybe a list of a few people all starting at UnTweets, that links to McElroy the School Teacher, Joe the Life Guard, and Phil the Secret Agent of the President. Again, this would be work, but it might turn out really nice in the end. I am sorry if this isn't too much help but it is hard to review something new like this.

As far as what you have now though, there is really nothing to take out or add. You really hit everything perfectly for what you did. Again, the only problem I had was the lack of potential in the character.

Concept: 6 I really thought this was very good. Again, on the first read, it was hilarious. People Twittering things that are absurd and crazy, like getting shot or driving while drunk is hilarious. What mainly works about this, is that everyone can relate. Well, most people. Most people know that Twitter is a place where you constantly see what people are doing, and it can be weird and stuff. Besides that though, I think you maybe could have done more with it. If your only making one UnTweets, I feel you could've picked a stronger main character. There are alot of funny things on this site dealing with average people doing average things. Now, that is not to say that what happens here happens everyday, but I feel more craziness could really help out. That is explained more in how to improve humor though.

Beyond that, I feel that this concept is solid. It is funny and very relateable. But best of all it is original. But there isn't that much more it can go. You have practically reached the concept's limit and as it is now, I really am lost as to whether it will be featured or not. I see alot of people seeing its humor and freshness and voting for, but I also see alot of people saying it is only funny in one way. Or maybe them saying it really isn't an article. But I thought it was funny enough that I would definitely vote for.

Prose and formatting: 4 A big concern for me. I will make this as brief as I can but there is just WAY too much white space. This makes the pictures, when they come up, look scattered and messy. An even bigger problem though, is that as of now I can think of no reason to fix it. But if you find a way, definitely use it. Because right now it looks slightly messy. For what isn't white looks nice though. The text under the Twitter saying the time and date looks nice. Also, I did find some misspelling. Mostly towards the end, for example, "I thought offies were always open?" Offices is spelled wrong. I would fix this but I don't know if it is intentional or not, because people often misspell on Twitter. Finally, get rid of the red links. They look really ugly.
Images: 5 Probably the weakest point of your article. The funniest one is the toilet one, done by Sonje of course. But I feel that the other two are just too random. The last one is fine though. The bulk of your article has no real randomness in it, but randomly you will find a picture of bubble wrap. I think the pictures should have more to deal with the rest of your article. A few random ones are fine though. If anything, add more to balance out this randomness.
Miscellaneous: 6 Roughly averaged.
Final Score: 29 Very good. Very funny and fresh. I would definitely vote for on this, but I can see some people going against. I strongly suggest adding more vareity, although that might take alot of work. If you have any questions feel free to ask me on my talk page! Good luck!
Reviewer:    Tagstit    talk    contribs    awards   22:53, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

hello. one comment on the article beside the excellent review above: it would take a lot of coding, but it'd be awesome if the article actually looked like a twitter webpage. like how imdb looks like... imdb.com --SoIwastolazytolearnGermanic.jpg-kun "whisper sweet nothings into thine ear..." 23:12, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

If you have any idea how to do that please share, I did my best with a little bit of code but honestly I'm not very good with it. ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 23:27 11 May 2009
whoa! don't look at me! i'm just the person who suggests we set up a moonbase government with kylie minogue at the helm. i don't actually know how to do anything! --SoIwastolazytolearnGermanic.jpg-kun "whisper sweet nothings into thine ear..." 23:30, 11 May 2009 (UTC)

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