Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnTunes:Entrails Ripped from a Virgin's Cunt (Christian Edition) (finished)

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edit UnTunes:Entrails Ripped from a Virgin's Cunt (Christian Edition)

I got this reviewed by Allison before it was completely finished, but now it's pretty much done (mp3 included). GO ahead and do your thing. Oh yeah, please. »» Back ² Tha Hood»» 4-leaf-clover 17:52,18April,2010

I did this because it has been sitting in the queue way too long.--Sir HELPME Talk (more? --> CUN ROTM NOTM Pleb USS Pees SK ) On Monday, 07:31, May 31 2010 UTC
Humour: 6.5 A line by line review, I suppose.
  • General comments: I kind of wish you wouldn't use strikeouts for the jokes, as I feel these make the jokes too obvious. I think it would help to just put in the Christian edition, and then link to the original song (which you already did). Also, I think with this kind of idea, subtlety is not the best angle, and you should come out and say differences. Also also, this doesn't seem to have too much of a point besides as just a Christian song. The dialogue hints at a story being told, but there is none. It would help to give this further direction. Finally, remember that it's OK to occasionally compromise the similarity between your UnTune and the original song's lyrics for the sake of humor and coherence.
  • Intro: One thing: I think you mean "Death Metal" bands rather than "Christian bands". I felt this could have been expanded.
  • First line: I would actually like it better if you kept "alone" rather than "alive", as that fits better and makes a little more sense. I like the "with God" thing.
  • Second line: I would have preferred you just say "Now that the sinners have gone" instead of just linking to sinners. See the comment up there about subtlety.
  • Third line: I didn't understand this. Who is it referring to? I know it's probably about Jesus, but the rest of the article doesn't seem to be about him.
  • Fourth line: What unfolded? Resurrection, a God sighting, or something else?
  • Fifth line and sixth line: Again, why are they feeling glory? You could put an extra line to clear up why they were, and that would clear up a huge amount of the problems listed here.
  • Seventh and eighth line: Why did they forget? I thought they were overjoyed. Did something happen? You should make this clear what made them forget.
  • Ninth: Fine.
  • Since doing every line is becoming tedious, I'll just review the ones that have problems.
  • Seventeenth: What's tied to your heart? That sounds painful. Seriously though, this doesn't make a lot of sense to me- is "tied to my heart" an expression of some sort?
  • Eighteenth: Why are arms better? This is either funny irony or totally random.
  • Nineteenth: The problem here is that that still sounds like a Cannibal Corpse line. I would recommend you just take out "yanked from _'s insides" because I really don't think there's a way for that to sound sweet and nice.
  • Twenty-second: I didn't quite get what this meant. "Manger, full"? What does that mean? I think this could use some clarification.
  • Thirty-third: Why does God no longer look human? Later in the tune, you say you never see him, so how can you tell how he looks? I would just remove this, as it's not all that important.
  • Overall: This is funny, but see advice above. About average.
Concept: 7 Interesting idea behind this. Your execution is OK, but not great. See above.
Prose and formatting: 6 I gave prose advice in humor. As for formatting, there is a red link, as bed is not an article. However, you could link to Mattress, which conveys the same meaning, without the red link. I would have liked you to separate your work into stanzas, as the lines look a little messy all separate. Finally, there appears to be a huge abundance of linking here, with a link in almost every line. I feel like it would be a little less glaring if you removed some.
  • Spelling/grammar mistakes:
  • "A new band photo was taken to represent the new musical stylings" - This is only one song, so you should just use "styling".
  • "though it has" "has" should be "had".
Images: 7 Could use one more. That would help develop the article's humor and it would make it look less like a wall of text. A good idea may be to show a gathering of their new fanbase at a concert or performance.
  • First image: OK, but I think it could be funnier. I think if you added some one-liner to the caption you already have, it would be good as gold. I would recommend putting in a line about their new audience's reception of the album cover. For example "A major complaint received for this cover was that it did not show any Jews betraying Jesus." Not too good, but you get the idea.
  • Second image: The image is kind of blurry. I trust you're able to fix this. Also, I think the halos should be brighter yellow, as a dark yellow doesn't look as "holy and nice". Just like the one above, the caption is only OK, nothing special. You could do something just like I recommended above; how did the audience feel about this new photo? I would like the angle of "Not nice and wholesome enough for Christians" for this caption, but that's just me.
Miscellaneous: 6 penis
Final Score: 32.5 Sorry about the briefness of this review- I see what people mean when they say UnTunes are hard to review. Just do these things:
  • Try to find a storyline and stick with it.
  • Change lyrics to the point of coherence.

And some other stuff, and you'll have a good Tune. Signed,

Reviewer: --Sir HELPME Talk (more? --> CUN ROTM NOTM Pleb USS Pees SK ) On Monday, 07:31, May 31 2010 UTC
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