Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnScripts:steal Bank Customer Service training video (second time)

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edit UnScripts:steal Bank Customer Service training video

I changed the above line... teeheehee. Pup t 02:15, 8/10/2009

Bad puppy. BAD! /me taps your nose/ always leave a link. It's helpful for new users, you big austraillian cock.    Orian57    Talk   Union pink 04:58 9 October 2009
I plan to return your stolen video within 24 hours. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 06:09, October 12, 2009 (UTC)
Concept, which must be
the basis of your article
if I'm using this template:
8 Intro to me I usually introduce myself first, but you know me and I don't have any particular expertise on training videos. I will let you know I get somewhat nitpicky in my reviews, which I like to think helps the reviewee. Also I'm trying out Boomer's template for the first time, but thought you wouldn't mind as you're the one who told me about it. But it does mean those comments to the left of the scores are Boomer's, not mine.

I think you have a clear concept of what you're doing here, and think you develop it well.

Humor, without a second u,
because I'm American:
7 I'm putting Prose and Formatting here too, because I have a hard time separating them from Humour. But I do score them individually.
  • "In the modern and bustling corporate environment (comma) staff have very little time to sit through long training sessions and practise role-plays ad infinitum."--I like this (with the suggested changed), nice intro. "So here at steal ™[1] we have instituted the latest in technology (in order) to be able train multiple staff."--this is just me, but I'd like "Steal" capitalized like almost all real life corps.do. But it's a minor point, as you explain this in your footnote, so do as you will. "That's right, we have written a script and wandered around with(utilised) a video camera..." "...in the comfort of their own home."--ah oh (like it).
  • "That's right! We're so generous...." I'd like it better without this second "that's right." Really like "generous... work hours" part.
  • "Director: Pepé N d'Radio"--SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION! Ah, that's OK. I like the director's comments to Norma (who is?)

Lending Application SETTING--again, like note to Norma.

  • Narrator: "It's a typical...our gorgeous (attractive)...."
  • "Greg: (Sinister and evil)"--if this is a script, we can presume the company wouldn't have this. To me this part kind of kills the believability factor--yes, you get it back very soon (this is not how we do this), but in the meantime it kind of lost me. ...."Not on this side, where with the high backed...." "Over there, or on the ex high school surplus hard plastic chairs...."--she'll be sitting in one chair.
  • "Narrator: Oh no Greg...Although we treat them poorly in actuality...." again, this loses believability for me. If you're doing a takeoff here, I would suggest something more subtle, like "Although we treat them no better than they deserve, we need to pretend...." Other than that, like this.
  • Greg: (also bright and chirpy)...we discuss this at all?
  • "Narrator: And here we come to lesson 1...."--yes, nice.
  • "Most believable part of this script so far (comma) Norma."
  • "Candy: He's...an (a) mechanic."--I'm not positive about this, as it might be a British vs. American usage thing.
  • "Greg: Oh really, and how long has he been doing that for?
  • "Narrator: Now it is....Firstly (comma) he's...."
  • "Greg: These are the factors...next to nothing...lazy cow...stretch...."--here, I don't mind that it's not subtle. If you have a subtle build while the bank might still be doing business, then when the manager realises no way are we loaning you money, slam! This works for me.
  • "Candy: Look my back is really...."--what was she getting ready to say here? I don't get this part. Maybe something like "But we--ow, my back is really...."
  • "Greg: Oh do be quiet."--like this. "Haven't you realised...intelligent then you (?).
  • "Candy: I can't feel my fingertips...."--now I have an idea where you were going with the back bit.
  • "Candy: (slurring words) I can't mobe by lefd sideb"--this is a personal issue, but I find this painful, not funny. I would find it funnier if the whole paralysis bit here and earlier to be something painful but not permanent.

Footnotes--I like these, especially what steal stands for (sounds official), and I really like the beginning of footnote 5 where Global Financial Crisis is a trademark--I rarely laugh out loud when I'm reviewing, but I did on this one. "These are to bne (be) used as the excuse...." "see the GFC exuses (excuses) requirements...."

Your spelling and grammar,
which probably sucks:
8 See comments in Humour Section. (This score assumed you'll make grammar and spelling corrections).
Images, or lack of: 6 I think the pics are fine for the article, but that you have more than you need for your characters. I think finding "fantastic" pics for people who are talking in an office likely wouldn't work. I do have a couple suggestions, though--I pictured the narrator as the woman applying for the loan because I didn't see the actress for Candy until she was almost finished. I really think you could skip the photo for the narrator--most of the time we don't see them anyway. And really I don't think you need the office photo either--we know what an office looks like, and most readers will notice the man sitting in the chair more than they'll notice the chair.

What I think is most important is that we get a picture of our bank manager and loan applicant right away, before we start picturing them as looking like something different (notice in novels and stories the physical description generally comes very early.) The "Absolutely perfect for the role" photo--perfect for what? Who is this? I realize fewer pics will mean lots of text without pics, so you might want to figure out some kind of filler. Maybe a huge bank building, a pile of money, a loan application, or the home the couple wants to buy. Whatever it is I'd like to be able to picture the applicant and manager when I first hear them speak, meaning having these photos at the beginning.

Miscellaneous, not averaged,
despite what some would
have you believe:
8 General impression of article.
Final Score, totaled, as most
would have you believe:
37 I liked this. Please let me know on my talk page if you edit it.
Me: WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 02:17, October 13, 2009 (UTC)

As per request, additional notes (these based on revised version at http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/index.php?title=UnScripts:steal_Bank_Customer_Service_training_video&oldid=4168313}

I like the pictures much better, although Greg and Candy could be a little bit bigger and I think I'd like captions. I'm glad you took out the permanent paralysis. The chart works well, although if someone clicks on it they'll see that the heading doesn't fit the article, but that's a minor point (and I could change it for you if you have an idea for a different heading).

"In the modern and bustling corporate environment, staff (members) has have very little time to sit through long training sessions and practise role-plays. (And unfortunately,) we also have very little time to train a cadre of highly skilled and motivational trainers."

I kind of miss the part where Greg starts out hostile and the narrator says that's not the way to do it.

Narrator: This isn't really necessary, but to make sure the lazy reader realizes that it's the narrator and not the other actors speaking, you could put the narrator's speeches in italics.

Greg: Okay, and do you have anything saved towards buying a home at the moment (needs ?)

Narrator: ...This means when he finally does ask about money here, it feels like a natural conversation and Candy would (will) be happy to answer honestly.

Greg: Now That means that he is an apprentice, and as such will be being paid next to nothing....while he is off working his butt off

Candy: (slurring words) My back is killing me- (I think showing a slight slurring here might be OK, something like "My bl-back is klilling me)

WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 18:43, October 19, 2009 (UTC)

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