I know it needs images - on my list of things to do as soon as I can find a good source of images for it. (Really wish I had kept a few of those work DVDs now.) Pupt 05:34, 24/07/2009
Yup. I'm here to fight for truth, justice and a smaller PEE queue. --ChiefjusticeDS 06:41, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
In your usual style POTR you have produced some solid work, though some work is needed before we consider forwarding it for anything else. I think the dialogue in your script works pretty well and the jokes come across. However where you are falling down is the execution of some of your jokes. Where you make jokes in this UnScript you generally make them about banks and in satire of banks in general, what I think you should do is to try and focus on the fact that this is a training video a bit more. By the end of the article I had almost forgotten that that's what it was, my advice is if you are going to use it in the name then you should make more reference to it in the text, especially since the Director's voice has the potential for far more amusement than it is currently being used for. The joke about Greg turning down the loan application could be tightened up a bit too, especially as the script comes to a close. Instead of Greg taking us through the 5 C's and then Candy realising the chair has paralyzed her, you could use Greg's benevolent and happy persona to your advantage. Consider working the fact he is being happy and cheerful into some of the later text, as Greg seems to go from chirpy and happy to dull and serious without much warning. My main advice on this section is to have a careful read of the article and then try and identify where there is potential for a joke and where a joke may have been executed incorrectly. Otherwise the article, while not laugh out loud funny, isn't too bad.
I like the idea behind the article, mainly because I have had to sit through a lot of similar videos at work. As far as your tone goes I think it's OK, but be careful in your UnScripts that you have consistency or clear development. My problem here is the somewhat confused development of Greg who goes from benevolent to unamused and irritable with very little warning and the lack of development from the director whom I thought was a very promising character. You might simply want to consider making sure that when you introduce a character they have a lifespan, that is: Initial appearance -> Development (Motives, Background (not always)) -> Action (Character carries out intended purpose often with reference to development) -> Character exits. The point of this development is that it gives you something to work from, and the entire scale can be carried out in a few lines. Make sure that a lifespan is applied to all speaking characters.
Prose and formatting:
The prose are OK and the spelling and grammar is pretty good. I suspect you knew that you would lose out on points for the lack of any images, but you know that needs work anyway so I won't dwell. Your formatting has one major difficulty, the text is a little small to be read comfortably, I understand why you have used it but make sure you don't trade accessibility for aesthetics. The font can remain, the size could be increased to simply allow a reader to enjoy the article without engaging the browser's zoom function, as when the text is this small the footnotes are nigh on invisible.
You knew that was coming and as such I won't take this into account in your overall score.
My overall grade of the article.
This is a solid piece of work, all it needs is a bit of polish and reconsideration to be even better. You write well and I'm confident you will make any improvements that are necessary. Good luck editing.