Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnScripts:The Crimefighting League of Crimefighting Crimefighters (resubmission)
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After getting an absolulety amazing review from Chief, I have made changes enough so that I think I am closer. I am resubing it to improve it more, so indepth or nothing. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 23:30, 4 August 2009 (UTC)
I'm going to try my hand at this. It's my first UnScript review, so I hope it's okay.Sequence 09:06, 5 August 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||Since this is your second review I'm going to refer back to the first review by ChiefjusticDS. At the moment many of the comments that he made are still applicable. So far the only real change to the humour side of it has been the insertion of an additional scene, which doesn't really add that much to the overall humour. I would suggest you take the advice that has already been given to you regarding the satirising of the genre. Your basis is that it is in a police state, but as far as I can see there is nothing seperating what you have from any normal police station. I would suggest that you consider rewriting or expanding upon some parts that make a heavier emphasis upon either the fact that it is a police state (e.g show the police being over the top oppressive) and satirise that or focus upon the fact they are incompetent and satirise that.
Since pretty much everything that I would say has been said in the first review I'll have a special part for the extra scene you've done. It fills out what has happened out a bit more...but...humour through insulting only works in certain situations. If you give an extra scene or two that shows how the police dude is the victim of some unfortunate events then we might care about him a bit more and the humour would be a bit funnier. You may want to reconsider the use of the F word, as random swearing is less funny and more random. I also wondered why the boss 'sparing his life'? It isn't like he was going to kill the guy was it?
The overall score for this hasn't changed since the first review, mostly because the article has hardly changed.
|Concept:||7||The concept of satirising police in a script is pretty good, in fact there were a whole series of police movies called Police Academy that did just that. But you haven't really explored the topic properly. If you focus more upon the under-riding issue (the actions of the police) then this article would probably work better. At the moment half the script is about the 'aftermath' while only a single scene deals with the 'event'. You could also include a part where it comes back to bite the boss in the ass, he is the one who assigned an incompetent dude after all. I'd suggest you go back and re-read some of the other UnScripts to see how they satirise their subjects.|
|Prose and formatting:||8||Your prose and formatting have improved since the first review since you have started putting the stage directions into italics, but there are still some that are not italicised, and a few spelling errors. The number of images is good.|
|Images:||8||The first two images are good, but the third one doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't relate to the article as far as I can see, and while it might have something to do with the police and the people who they deal with it should be more closely related to the article. You should find a different image for that one.|
|Miscellaneous:||7||This is a fair piece at the momment.|
|Final Score:||36||The article hasn't changed that much since it has been reviewed last, so most of the advice that was given last time still applies. I would go back and read the earlier review as well and then really try and take into account what has been said in that one. At the moment this article still has a lot of potential it can fulfill so it would probably be good if you make a few significant additions/alterations. I don't have that much experience with writing scripts so I'm sorry that I can't give any substantial suggestions. If you want to talk about it more then you can do so on my talk page.|
|Reviewer:||Sequence 09:06, 5 August 2009 (UTC)|