Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnScripts:The Crimefighting League of Crimefighting Crimefighters

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edit UnScripts:The Crimefighting League of Crimefighting Crimefighters

Finally got around to making this. I really want to make this good, as I spent a ton of effort on it, but I don't think it will be easy. That being said, an in-depth review would be great. ~~Sir Fightstar Rocks! CUN 01:24, 2 August 2009 (UTC)

Yeah. I'm here to take a look at this one.--ChiefjusticeDS 06:15, 2 August 2009 (UTC)

Humour: 6 OK, I think your humour is reasonable, you have some good jokes that work, but you also have a couple of issues that are keeping your article from being better. As I read I found myself feeling that this was good writing but in several instances you make some jokes that are much less funny. If you are going to do an UnScript like this one then base the story firmly in your preamble, if this is supposed to be a Police State then satirise that. My best advice here is to consider the source of your humour as throughout the article you don't really have a base for it. If you take a look at this one by Orian you will notice that throughout the article he satirises that genre of film, I think it would be good for your article if you carefully examined what Orian does and what you do.

You have a good idea of a humourous storyline but the events, which are slightly amusing, seem redundant rather than necessary, consider the building being set on fire, it shows the officer's incompetence and it provides a link to the next part of the story, everyone hating the officer. Here is a very good example of something you could consider taking a look at, the link feels forced and unnecessary, the joke would be far more amusing if you could provide other examples of his idiocy. In this regard there are hundreds of films around that demonstrate the antics of idiotic Police Officer's very humourously, I feel that you should follow their lead with yours. You should also make sure that you refer to the rules of HTBFANJS frequently, I encourage even experienced editors to continue to refer to it while they are writing so do not take this as a sleight on your writing, it is simply a suggestion to make sure it is employed usefully, it can also offer great inspiration if you have gotten stuck.

Concept: 7 The concept is pretty good and I like the idea behind this UnScript. My main issue here is the tone of your article. The point of an UnScript is, as you are no doubt aware, to satirise a normal script, therefore an awful lot of the humour can come from striking the correct tone with your article. Your difficulty here is that your tone seems less professional than is desirable. The way for you to sort this out is, again by taking some pointers from some of the featured UnScripts. The main pointer that I can give you is to try and make it sound like a script to read, you will have probably seen a script at some point and should notice that even when it refers to something amusing the tone is neutral, in your article the tone doesn't seem neutral, but rather seems to be geared against the protagonist of the piece, you should examine your word choices carefully to eliminate this problem.
Prose and formatting: 6 The prose are reasonable as is spelling and grammar, proofreading after every edit would certainly do no bad things to the article. However, what hurts your score in this section is the formatting of the Prose. The article does not look or act like a script quite as much as is desirable, the stage directions are not neutral instructions nor are they really separated from the text, to fix this you should just put stage directions into bold or italics that way a casual glance allows a reader to seperate them from the text. A quick note on one particular part of the article that caught my eye, when The Boss is on the phone and he says "Alright" then hangs up, and then speaks again, that should not be listed as a seperate piece of speech. There are lots of small mistakes in the article like this one and I think it would be in your own interest to trim them out. The image to text ratio is fine and you have the number of pictures correct for an article of this length.

My final point on this one is that you should consider expanding the article a bit, the ending, while reasonably amusing, seemed slightly rushed and I thought you could do far more with the middle section where the Officer(s) are demonstrating how useless they are.

Images: 9 Your first two images are good, I especially like the first one, but I would urge you to reconsider the final image. While I get the joke you are making with it, I think it would be far better to just stick to illustrating the script rather than possible feelings about the script. Images should be relatively easy to find, and my advice would be to find one that illustrates the article. I thought an 8 was too harsh for this one, so that is why it is a 9, but a new image is, in my opinion, a priority.
Miscellaneous: 7 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 35 Your article is by no means bad, what it is is good, but with some work needed to be be excellent. I enjoyed the majority of what I read and I would urge you not to be discouraged by a lot of negativity in my review, because your article has heaps of potential. I am always open for questions and views on my reviews and the advice given and yours would be welcome, just drop by my talk page. You can also get to me there if you would like help or clarification at any time. Good luck with any editing.
Reviewer: --ChiefjusticeDS 07:09, 2 August 2009 (UTC)
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