Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnScripts:Tech Support Transcript
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My second article, comments on how to improve it? --The Improver 01:17, 28 March 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||One of the best uses of repetition I’ve seen in a while. But that’s about all it has going for it so far, use more stage directions and add funny things to them.|
|Concept:||9||I really liked this; those horrible call centers are infuriating so a phone conversation like this really works!|
|Prose and formatting:||6||Stage directions such as “(Jim sighs slightly)” should be in square brakets “” (incidentally instead of “slightly” I’d put “heavily”) and you’ve got a couple of times where the characters use two lines consecutively and they shouldn’t If you want to put in a pause add in something like:
Jim: [Gritted teeth] I TOLD YOU. I. CAN'T. TURN. ON. MY. PC! [sucking in a deep breath] ALL. THE. CABLES. ARE. PLUGGED. IN. YET. IT. WON'T. TURN. ON!
And you could probably add in a few more directions as it is an unscript you don’t have to rely on silly sentences to create tones and imagery.
|Images:||3||[sighs in disappointment] a bit boring and irrelevant. [more positive] Maybe get a gif of someone throwing a phone in frustration, or you could have a picture showing Jim and Suresh on the phone in a split screen. Do you know what I mean?|
|Miscellaneous:||6||(averaged other fields) I do like this, it has potential, just clean up some of the format, add some more stage directions and sort the images and this’ll be really good!|
|Final Score:||30||fancy returning the pee?|
|Reviewer:||--orian57 03:06, 28 March 2008 (UTC)|