Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnScripts:Tech Support Transcript

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edit UnScripts:Tech Support Transcript

My second article, comments on how to improve it? --The Improver 01:17, 28 March 2008 (UTC)

Humour: 6 One of the best uses of repetition I’ve seen in a while. But that’s about all it has going for it so far, use more stage directions and add funny things to them.
Concept: 9 I really liked this; those horrible call centers are infuriating so a phone conversation like this really works!
Prose and formatting: 6 Stage directions such as “(Jim sighs slightly)” should be in square brakets “[]” (incidentally instead of “slightly” I’d put “heavily”) and you’ve got a couple of times where the characters use two lines consecutively and they shouldn’t If you want to put in a pause add in something like:

Jim: [Gritted teeth] I TOLD YOU. I. CAN'T. TURN. ON. MY. PC! [sucking in a deep breath] ALL. THE. CABLES. ARE. PLUGGED. IN. YET. IT. WON'T. TURN. ON!

And you could probably add in a few more directions as it is an unscript you don’t have to rely on silly sentences to create tones and imagery.

Images: 3 [sighs in disappointment] a bit boring and irrelevant. [more positive] Maybe get a gif of someone throwing a phone in frustration, or you could have a picture showing Jim and Suresh on the phone in a split screen. Do you know what I mean?
Miscellaneous: 6 (averaged other fields) I do like this, it has potential, just clean up some of the format, add some more stage directions and sort the images and this’ll be really good!
Final Score: 30 fancy returning the pee?
Reviewer: --orian57 03:06, 28 March 2008 (UTC)
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